Chapter Thirty-Nine
Adoption

As one foster daughter was preparing to leave, another was preparing to stay – forever. That same evening as I said goodnight to Paula, and then Adrian, I told them what Lucy had just said about wanting to be adopted and asked what they thought, for clearly it had to be a whole-family decision. They were both happy with the idea, feeling that Lucy was already like their sibling and they’d assumed she would be staying for good. So the following morning, after I’d taken Alice to school and before I began her packing, I telephoned Lucy’s social worker and told her that Lucy had asked if I could adopt her.

She was sympathetic and said she would support my application, but added the same warning I had given to Lucy: that her mother could (and probably would) object. Parents of children in care often accept that their child has to be looked after but fiercely oppose adoption, when they would lose all legal rights to the child. Lucy’s social worker also said Lucy’s mother had no fixed address, so it was going to be difficult and would take time to trace her, and then set up a meeting to try to get her permission to begin the lengthy process of adoption.

‘And you can’t free Lucy for adoption without her mother’s consent?’ I asked. ‘She’s never been a proper mother to her.’

‘Not really, not at Lucy’s age. It would be too costly and time consuming for the department; I’d never get the funding. It would be different if Lucy was younger: the department would consider the cost of pursuing an adoption a good investment, as it would take Lucy out of foster care, but not with a teenager. If we can’t find mum or she won’t give her permission, I assume Lucy can still stay with you as a long-term foster placement?’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘Leave it with me and I’ll see what I can do, but warn Lucy she may be disappointed.’

‘I already have.’

We said goodbye, then I went down the hall and opened the door to the cupboard under the stairs. Switching on the light, I reached in and pulled out two suitcases – the suitcases Alice’s grandmother had asked me to keep so I had them ready if Alice was ever returned to her. It was a hope that had seemed completely unrealistic at the time as Alice had been going to live with her father and Sharon within the month. Now, as I wiped off the thin layer of dust, I was about to complete Mrs Jones’s request: ten months later and against all the odds, Alice was returning to live with her.

It was just after eleven o’clock when I started the packing and it took over two hours. Apart from all the clothes Alice’s nana had sent and the many I’d bought, Alice had had a birthday and Christmas since she’d been with us, so there were boxes and boxes of toys. Kitty had offered to take some of Alice’s possessions in her car to the grandparents, after she’d seen us that evening. At the time I’d thought that wouldn’t be necessary – that everything would go in one car – but I now realized this had been wildly optimistic. Apart from the two suitcases, boxes and bags covered all available floor space in Alice’s bedroom and more bags were lined up on the landing, ready to be taken downstairs. Alice’s bike – her Christmas present from her nana and grandpa – was in the shed and I would bring that in later. I smiled reflectively as I thought of Mr and Mrs Jones at the family centre just before Christmas, when we’d secretly transferred the bike from their car boot to mine and, with litte hope of Alice ever returning to them, Mrs Jones had said sadly: ‘Hopefully we’ll see Alice ride it one day.’ Now, very soon, they would.

While I’d been busy packing, I hadn’t really had time to dwell on the gap Alice’s departure would leave in my family, but as I checked under the bed for any stray objects, and then stood and surveyed the room, I got a sudden flash of what it would be like tomorrow, after Alice had gone. I felt very sad and empty. I’d taken down all her posters, so the walls were bare, and her shelves were empty of her books, photographs and knick-knacks. Likewise now that I’d packed her clothes, her drawers and wardrobe were empty and had a hollow sound. All that remained were Alice’s pyjamas, folded under her pillow, a change of clothes for tomorrow on her chair, and Brian the Bear in his usual place at the bedhead – I would pack him first thing in the morning. Brian and I had become well acquainted during all the Saturday afternoon football matches, when he either jumped up and down as a goal was scored or covered his eyes with his paws in shame as a goal was missed. Tomorrow Brian too would be back where he belonged – sitting on the sofa between Alice and her grandpa as Mrs Jones doubtless fussed over them. I came out and closed Alice’s bedroom door, aware that the next few days were going to be very difficult for all of us.

When I collected Alice from school that afternoon, Alice’s teacher gave me a bunch of spring flowers with a card thanking me for all I’d done, which was very thoughtful and entirely unexpected. This was my last trip to the school, for on Monday Alice’s grandpa would take and collect Alice, just as he had been doing nearly a year before when Alice had attended nursery. I thanked Alice’s teacher and teaching assistant for the flowers and also thanked them for all they’d done. Between us we had kept the school/home continuity running smoothly without any major upheaval to Alice. As Alice and I left I had the chance to say goodbye to a couple of mothers I’d got to know – mothers of Alice’s friends – but there were other mothers I’d chatted to in the playground, whom I didn’t see, so I missed the chance to say goodbye. Sadly, they would simply arrive at school on Monday morning to find me gone.

Kitty came as promised at four o’clock and was met by a very excited Alice. Once settled in the sitting room, Kitty confirmed what I had already told Alice: that she would be returning to live with her nana and grandpa the following day, and would see her mother and father every week at the family centre. Kitty also explained to Alice that she wouldn’t be seeing Sharon any more, as she and her father had separated and were no longer living together. Alice, having never warmed to Sharon and resenting her mothering role, accepted this news without comment, although I felt sorry for Sharon. Sharon had been married for only just over a year and was now separated, and during that time she’d had her hopes of motherhood built and then dashed. I hoped things worked out for her and, wherever she was, she found happiness. Kitty finished by saying that Alice’s grandparents would come and collect Alice the following morning at about eleven o’clock. Then Kitty asked Alice if she had any questions.

‘Will you take some of my things in your car?’ Alice said. ‘Cathy said you would. There is too much for one car.’

Kitty smiled. ‘Yes, of course. Don’t you worry: nothing will be left behind. Is there anything else you want to ask me?’

‘Can I still see Cathy, Adrian, Lucy and Paula?’

I knew this was more difficult for Kitty to answer, for although we would be allowed to phone Alice and see her once or twice after the move, like most of the children who left us we had to withdraw from their lives to allow them to bond with their forever families, or in Alice’s case re-bond with her grandparents and ultimately (we hoped) her mother.

‘Cathy will phone you in two weeks,’ Kitty said gently – two weeks is now the accepted time for this phone call. ‘Then she will arrange to visit you.’

‘Can Adrian, Lucy and Paula come too?’ Lucy asked.

‘Yes, of course, if they’re free.’

‘They will be,’ I confirmed.

Thankfully Alice was so looking forward to returning to live with her dear nana and grandpa that she didn’t dwell on not being able to see us regularly, which was good. Kitty then thanked me for all I’d done and said she hoped to work with me again in the future. I thanked her for all she’d done. Then Alice helped Kitty and me load Kitty’s car with the boxes of toys Adrian had brought down from the landing. We had soon filled the boot, and just managed to squeeze Alice’s bike on to the back seat. ‘The rest should go in Grandpa’s car tomorrow,’ Kitty said. ‘If not I’ll pop back for it next week.’

Kitty then asked if she could say goodbye to Adrian, Lucy and Paula, which was thoughtful. I called them and they appeared from their bedrooms and the front room.

‘Bye, kids,’ Kitty said. ‘Thanks for looking after Alice so well. Might see you again one day. And Lucy, good luck with your application. I hope you get what you want.’ News travels fast, I thought, for I’d only spoken to Lucy’s social worker about her adoption that morning. ‘You couldn’t do much better for a mother,’ Kitty added, smiling at me.

‘Thank you very much,’ I said.

I tried to keep our last evening together as normal as possible and followed Alice’s usual routine of play-time, television, dinner, bath and bed; I told the children to keep it low key too. I knew Alice must have many conflicting feelings, for although she dearly loved her nana and grandpa and couldn’t wait to return to live with them, ten months is a long time in a child’s life, and goodbyes are always difficult. Once Alice was tucked in bed I read her a story and then prepared to say goodnight. I saw her face grow serious as she looked around her room, now bare except for the two suitcases and the remaining boxes stacked at one end.

‘I’ll miss you,’ she said, suddenly throwing her arms around me and hugging me tightly.

‘I’ll miss you too,’ I said. ‘We all will.’

‘I love you, nearly as much as I love my nana, grandpa and mummy,’ Alice said.

‘We love you too, pet. You’re very special.’

I gave Alice a final hug and then called to Adrian, Lucy and Paula to come and say goodnight. They came in and kissed Alice; then Adrian fooled around with Brian the Bear, making him dance and appear to speak, which made Alice laugh. Saying goodnight and ‘See you in the morning’, we filed out and I closed Alice’s bedroom door for her last night with us. Dear Alice: I hoped her mother made a full recovery, for while adoption seemed absolutely right for Lucy, who had no proper family of her own, I couldn’t for the life of me see how it could work for Alice, who loved her nana, grandpa and mummy more than anyone else in the world.