Smith & Wollensky

I’m with Craig McDermott in Harry’s on Hanover. He’s smoking a cigar, drinking a Stoli Cristall martini, asking me what the rules are for wearing a pocket square. I’m drinking the same thing, answering him. We’re waiting for Harold Carnes, who just got back from London on Tuesday, and he’s half an hour late. I’m nervous, impatient, and when I tell McDermott that we should have invited Todd or at least Hamlin, who was sure to have cocaine, he shrugs and says that maybe we’ll be able to find Carnes at Delmonico’s. But we don’t find Carnes at Delmonico’s so we head uptown to Smith & Wollensky for an eight o’clock reservation that one of us made. McDermott is wearing a six-button double-breasted wool suit by Cerruti 1881, a tattersall cotton shirt by Louis, Boston, a silk tie by Dunhill. I’m wearing a six-button double-breasted wool suit by Ermenegildo Zegna, a striped cotton shirt by Luciano Barbera, a silk tie by Armani, suede wing-tips by Ralph Lauren, socks by E. G. Smith. Men Who’ve Been Raped by Women was the topic on The Patty Winters Show this morning. Sitting in a booth at Smith and Wollensky, which is strangely empty, I’m on Valium, drinking a good glass of red wine, wondering absently about that cousin of mine at St. Alban’s in Washington who recently raped a girl, biting her earlobes off, getting a sick thrill not ordering the hash browns, how my brother and I once rode horses together, played tennis—this is burning from my memory but McDermott eclipses these thoughts when he notices I haven’t ordered the hash browns after dinner has arrived.

“What is this? You can’t eat at Smith and Wollensky without ordering the hash browns,” he complains.

I avoid his eyes and touch the cigar I’m saving in my jacket pocket.

“Jesus, Bateman, you’re a raving maniac. Been at P & P too long,” he mutters. “No fucking hash browns.”

I don’t say anything. How can I tell McDermott that this is a very disjointed time of my life and that I notice the walls have been painted a bright, almost painful white and under the glare of the fluorescent lights they seem to pulse and glow. Frank Sinatra is somewhere, singing “Witchcraft.” I’m staring at the walls, listening to the words, suddenly thirsty, but our waiter is taking orders from a very large table of exclusively Japanese businessmen, and someone who I think is either George MacGowan or Taylor Preston, in the booth behind this one, wearing something by Polo, is eyeing me suspiciously and McDermott is still staring at my steak with this stunned look on his face and one of the Japanese businessmen is holding an abacus, another one is trying to pronounce the word “teriyaki,” another is mouthing, then singing, the words to the song, and the table laughs, an odd, not completely foreign sound, as he lifts up a pair of chopsticks, shaking his head confidently, imitating Sinatra. His mouth opens, what comes out of it is: “that sry comehitle stale … that clazy witchclaft …”