Other than his lips on hers, Judd didn’t touch her, which somehow made the moment all the more poignant. Every nerve ending in her body tingled, alive with love and desire. She could no more stop loving him than she could grab a heavenly star and hold it in her hand.
He ended the brief, tender kiss, opened his eyes, and lifted his head. Lindsay looked up at him, staring into his face, unable to speak. He had taken her breath away with his gentleness. And the sincerity of his words.
I’m sorry, sweetheart. You’ll never know how sorry I am.
He pressed his forehead against hers, his breathing heavy and erratic. Closing her eyes, she savored the sweet moment. She could feel the warmth of his breath mingling with hers, the scent of his body soap-and-water clean.
“I swear to God, Lindsay, if you can forgive me, I’ll never do anything to hurt you ever again.”
She sucked in air, so taken aback by his declaration, knowing in her heart that this time he meant every word. There was not one doubt in her mind.
He lifted his head again, then reached down and took each of her hands in his. Loosely. No pressure. Holding her hands as if they were made of fragile glass.
“Any other woman would have given up on me a couple of years ago,” he told her. “I’ve managed to methodically alienate every friend I ever had, including Cam and Griff. The only reason Griff has given me numerous second chances is because of you.”
“Judd—”
“Shh … Let me get it all out while I can. Then you can say whatever you need to say. Okay?”
She nodded.
Continuing to hold her hands between their bodies, arms down in a relaxed manner, he said, “When Jenny died … when she was murdered …”
Lindsay squeezed his hands.
“I lost my mind. That’s the only way I know how to describe what happened. I hurt so much. I couldn’t bear the pain. You know how I was. You were there. You and Griff and Cam. Then day by day the agony grew worse until one day, there was nothing left inside me—no pain, no love, nothing except anger and vengeance.
“And no matter what I said, what I did, how I roared and bellowed, you were always there, trying to help me, caring about me when I wasn’t worth caring about. I kept trying to push you away, but you wouldn’t let me. Not until …”
Silence.
Their gazes met and locked. Lindsay thought she saw a shimmer of moisture glazing Judd’s eyes, but quickly realized the tears were in her eyes, not his.
“You offered me love and I threw it back in your face.”
“You couldn’t help it that you didn’t love me. We don’t choose who—”
“I cared about you, Lindsay,” he admitted. “That was the problem. I didn’t want to care. I didn’t want to feel anything, and there you were making me feel again, making me want and need again. I hated you for making me feel. And I hated myself for needing you so badly.”
“Judd?”
He lifted her hands to his lips, kissed each in turn, then gently grasped her shoulders. “I’m a mixed-up mess, sweetheart. I don’t know if I can straighten up and fly right or if I’m just a lost cause. But I … uh …” He swallowed hard. “I’m a real bastard for doing this, but here goes—I don’t want you to give up on me. I need you. At least as a friend. Maybe … maybe more than a friend. I don’t know.”
She felt lightheaded, as if she were going to faint. It wasn’t until she gasped for air that she realized she’d been holding her breath.
“You know how much I loved Jennifer. A part of me will always love her. There’s nothing I can do about that. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to come to terms with her death. If her killer is ever caught …? Maybe not even then.”
“You’re not going to lose me,” Lindsay managed to say, her voice quivering slightly. “I’ll always be your friend. As for my being more than your friend … I love you.”
He pulled her into his arms and held her. “I don’t deserve your love. But God help me, I want it.”
With her head on his chest, Lindsay wrapped her arms around his waist and held him as she had longed to hold him. Leaning down, he kissed the top of her head and when she looked up at him, he kissed her forehead.
This was a side of Judd she had never seen. The kind, caring man he must have been at one time, before Jennifer’s murder.
He gently shoved her away from him, but smiled at her. “Let me work on cleaning up my act. And let me try this friendship thing. I used to be pretty good at it. Just ask Griff.”
“He’s told me. You two and Cam were dashing bachelors, partying together, dating the same women—”
“I guess he told you that we all three wanted Jennifer, and that she dated both him and Cam before she dated me.” Judd’s smile vanished. “I’m sorry. I can’t seem to stop talking about her.”
“It’s all right. She was your wife. You loved her. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t want to know everything about you, including your relationship with Jennifer.”
Judd studied her for a few seconds. “You’re a remarkable woman, Lindsay McAllister.”
Smiling, she replied, “I’ve been trying to convince you of that fact for nearly four years.”
He nodded toward the hallway. “I’ve got groceries. How about I whip up some soup and sandwiches for us, unless you’ve already had dinner.”
“Callie and I ate a late lunch and the kids both had after-school activities, so she was just putting supper on the table when Griff called.”
He grabbed her hand. “How about I fix the soup and you make the sandwiches?”
Nodding agreement, Lindsay’s smile broadened.
As he pulled her along with him into the foyer and down the hall, he said, “I’ve got a box of shortbread cookies. The last time you bought groceries for me, you picked up some. I remember your saying they were your favorites. You said that they were great with coffee or with milk.”
“Milk? Don’t tell me you actually have milk in your refrigerator?”
“Sure do. And bacon and eggs and a fresh loaf of bread.”
She paused when they reached the kitchen door. When she hesitated, he stopped, turned, and looked at her. “What?” he asked.
“Are you sure you’re not an alien who’s taken over Judd Walker’s body.”
He laughed. Honest-to-God laughter.
Lindsay’s breath caught in her throat.
I don’t know what’s happened. I don’t know if this miracle is permanent or temporary, but thank you, Merciful Lord. Thank You.
Sandi and Earl Ray rested on the sofa, their legs spread out, her hips nestled between his thighs and his arms draped around her. They had sent the kids to their rooms shortly after dinner and had just finished off the chilled bottle of white zinfandel. The mantel clock struck ten.
“We should head on up to bed,” he told her. “Five-thirty will roll around pretty quick.” He nuzzled her neck. “Feel like fooling around a little tonight?”
She sighed. “I’m tired, but …” She maneuvered her body just enough so that she could raise herself up and kiss him. “If you’ll get on top and do all the work …”
“You’ve got a deal.” He rubbed his hand over her buttocks. “All you’ll have to do is lay back and enjoy yourself.”
She jumped up off the sofa, planted her hands on her hips, and glared at him. “Well, big boy, what are you waiting for?”
He grabbed her, yanked her down onto his lap and gave her a tongue-thrusting kiss. Just as they came up for air, the telephone rang.
“Who the hell would be calling at this time of night?” Earl Ray grumbled.
“I’ll get it.”
When she tried to stand, he held her down. “Let the machine get it.”
She pulled free and stood. “It might be one of the mothers calling about the costumes for the recital next month.”
After searching for the portable phone, she found it by the fifth ring, on top of the magazine rack beside the recliner. She picked it up, hit the On button and said, “Hello” without glancing at the caller ID.
“Mrs. Ford?” a male voice asked.
“Yes, this is she.”
“I’m Donald Holloway. My wife and I moved here from Tallulah, just last month, and Missy heard about your dance classes. Our girls were taking ballet and tap back in Tallulah and sure do miss it.”
“Welcome to Parsons, Mr. Holloway.” Two new students? Yes, yes, yes! “Are you and your wife interested in enrolling your daughters at my studio?”
“Yes, ma’am, we sure are, but we’re both working and the only time we might get by downtown to see you would be at night. Is that a problem?”
“Why, no, I teach private lessons from six until seven three nights a week.”
“Then would tomorrow night be all right? We could stop by between seven and seven-thirty. And after you see how talented our older girl, Melissa Lee, is, you might want to give her some private lessons. We don’t spare any expense when it comes to our children.”
Two more students, and one might take additional private lessons. This was great. Just when Sandi thought she had tapped all the potential students to be found in Parsons, new residents appeared like magic. How lucky was that?
Although she had planned to come home right after the last class at six tomorrow—Wednesday evening—so she wouldn’t miss church services again this week, she knew the Lord would understand.
“I’ll see you and your wife and daughters tomorrow even ing,” Sandi said. “My studio is downtown, on Main Street. You can’t miss it. The building is pink, with a lavender front door and a ballerina painted on the display window, and there are costumes in the window.”
“Yes, ma’am, my wife knows just where the place is. So, we’ll see you tomorrow evening.”
After Sandi hung up the phone, she whirled around and around. Earl Ray caught her and pulled her into his arms. “I thought you weren’t going to work late tomorrow. We promised the kids we’d go to the Wednesday night service with them. We’ve missed the past three weeks.”
“I know.” Sandi stroked her husband’s cheek. “But these are two potential new students and one might take private lessons. Do you know how much more money that could mean for us?”
Earl Ray frowned.
She ran her hand over his chest and down to his belt. “You can take the kids to church tomorrow evening, can’t you? And I promise, I’ll make sure I’m free next Wednesday night.” She lowered her hand until it covered the zipper of his jeans.
Grinning, he laid his hand over hers and pressed it against his crotch. “Well, since you put it that way.”
Pudge laid the prepaid cell phone on the bedside table, smiling to himself as he thought about his Oscar™-worthy performance as mild-mannered husband and father, Donald Holloway. Once again, the pretty flower he’d chosen was making things easy for him. He and Ruddy had occasionally discussed how trusting these women were, how easily fooled and manipulated. Apparently none of them were very bright. All were beautiful, but stupid.
He had driven through downtown Parsons this evening and noticed how desolate the place was after six o’clock. The old saying about the streets being rolled up certainly applied to this place. The only business other than the dance studio that stayed open after six was a mom & pop restaurant a block over from Main Street on Tipton Avenue. All the traffic lights in town went to caution yellow after six, except for the ones on Main. By seven o’clock, the town was dead. Tomorrow night nothing on the street where Sandi’s Dance Studio was located would be open. A good eighty percent of the traffic would be near the three downtown churches, none of them located on Main.
Cutting off Sandi’s feet would be so much easier if he could simply use a small chain saw, but they were such noisy tools. A sharp axe or meat cleaver should work just as well. Sandi was petite, with slender ankles. One good chop on each foot should do the trick.
He wanted to hear her scream. But could he risk someone else hearing her? It would all depend on where he could isolate her inside the studio. A backroom would be perfect. Doors closed and locked, lights dimmed, the mood set.
This would be one of his last kills. He needed to make every moment count before this game ended.
After feasting on thick ham sandwiches and potato soup, Lindsay and Judd sat at the kitchen table drinking milk and eating shortbread cookies. They had talked a bit during food preparation, sharing memories of childhood meals with their families.
“My mom was a great cook,” Lindsay had said. “Every day when I came home from school, she’d have homemade cookies and a glass of cold milk waiting for me.”
“My mother didn’t know how to cook,” Judd had said. “Of course, she didn’t need to know how. She grew up with a live-in cook and so had my father. But my grandmother Walker knew how to cook, at least I recall when I was a small boy her preparing breakfast for me: Scones and orange marmalade. And she cooked quite a bit when we came here to the lodge. God, how I adored her.”
“What did you call her, Grandmother?”
“I called her Mimi.”
“How sweet. I don’t remember either of my grandmothers, but I had a Pops. My father’s father. He died when I was ten.”
“Mimi died when I was sixteen. I didn’t shed a tear. Not until almost a month later, then I broke down and cried for days.”
Lindsay had known Judd for nearly four years, but tonight was their first “getting acquainted” conversation in all that time.
During supper, they’d talked very little, both enjoying sharing the meal. Lindsay had the oddest feeling that she was dreaming and would wake up at any minute. How often had she longed for an evening such as this?
When they finished off their cookies and milk, Judd stood, then stacked their dirty dishes. “I’ll wash,” he said, “if you’ll dry.”
“Okay.” She picked up the silverware and followed him over to the old farmhouse sink.
“This kitchen needs overhauling. New stove, refrigerator, and definitely a dishwasher,” Judd said. “Maybe one of these days, I’ll remodel the whole place.”
“It would make a wonderful home, out here in the country with all the woods and meadows and animals everywhere. You could get a couple of dogs—collies or golden retrievers. And you should put a swing on the porch.”
Judd grinned at her. “The last woman who loved this old lodge was my mimi. She came out here with my grandfather on weekends, and believe it or not, she liked to hunt wild turkey.”
“You’re kidding?”
“Nope. She wouldn’t have anything to do with deer hunting, but she was an expert shot. She’s the one who had the flower garden put in out back. And in her day, there was also a herb garden and a vegetable garden. She loved flowers and fresh herbs and homegrown vegetables.”
“So do I. Sanders and I have a herb garden at Griffin’s Rest. And every spring we plant tomatoes in big pots on the deck.”
Judd put a rubber stopper in the old sink, turned on the faucets and picked up the newly purchased bottle of dish detergent. “Mimi had a greenhouse built on the family property on Lookout Mountain. It’s still there, but I believe it’s empty now. When I lived there, Cook kept a herb garden in it.”
Lindsay ran her hand across the lip of the oversized farmhouse sink. “If you ever redo the kitchen, you should leave this sink. It’s in great condition and this type of sink is back in style.”
Judd poured detergent into the running water, then set the bottle aside, and placed the dishes and silverware into the warm suds. “You grew up in Chattanooga, didn’t you?”
“Sure did. Out in Lookout Valley. But both of my parents were originally from Sand Mountain, down in northeast Alabama.”
“My family has been in Chattanooga for generations.” He washed the first dish, rinsed it, and handed it to Lindsay.
They talked about this and that, the way friends would idly chitchat while doing a chore, and before long, the dishes, silverware, soup pot, and glasses were washed, dried, and put away.
“Did you bring a suitcase?” Judd asked as he took the dish towel from her and hung it over the edge of the sink to dry.
“An overnight bag,” she told him.
“I’ll have to put some linens on one of the beds downstairs. You can take your pick.” He clenched his jaw. “I don’t figure you’ll want your usual room, the room where we …” Closing his eyes, a pained expression crossed his face. “You should have let Griff horsewhip me for what I did.”
Lindsay grasped his arm just above his elbow. He opened his eyes and looked at her. “I think maybe you’ve suffered as much from what happened between us that night as I have. If we’re going to be friends, we both have to get past what happened.”
“Can you do that?”
“Yes, I think I can.” She released his arm.
“You might be able to forgive me, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.”
“All either of us can do is take things one day at a time,” Lindsay said. “You’re taking the first steps toward recovering from a horrible tragedy. I don’t expect miracles overnight and neither should you.”
He huffed. “Thank God, because I’m still a mess and I may always be screwed-up. I’ll never be the same person I was before Jennifer was murdered, and I’m still the revenge-hungry, crazy guy I was last week. It’s just …” He took Lindsay’s hand in his. “You make me want to work my way back to being a decent human being again.”
“I–I make you …?” Lindsay nervously bit down on her lower lip.
He reached up and cupped her face with his open palms. “I have fought you tooth and nail, haven’t I? I’ve done nothing to deserve your friendship or your love. I know that. But our good friend Griff made me realize that I’ve depended on you, needed you, wanted you, expected you to take all my shit, and keep coming back for more.”
Blinking her eyes to dissolve the teardrops, Lindsay offered him a trembling smile. “Griff’s good at giving come-to-Jesus talks, isn’t he?”
“I can’t promise you anything and I can’t offer you anything. Not now. Maybe not ever.”
She placed her hands over his where he held her face with gentle force. “You have to know that when it comes to you, I don’t have any pride. I’d do anything for you. I’d—”
He lowered his head and kissed her, all the while clasping her face with tender strength. She responded, opening her mouth for his invasion, savoring the moment. When they were both breathless, they broke apart and stared at each other. Judd let his hands drop away from her face.
“If I asked you to come to bed with me—”
“Ask me,” she said.
“No. Not tonight.”
“Oh.” She felt as if he’d slapped her.
“It’s not that I don’t want you,” he told her. “I do. God, sweetheart, I want you so bad it hurts.”
“Then why—?”
“I don’t deserve you.” He stuffed his shaky hands into his jeans pockets. “I’m a crazy hermit, a vengeance-crazed renegade, and an alcoholic, too. I’m no prize for any woman and certainly not for you.”
Lindsay released a long, deep sigh. Judd had just admitted not one horrible truth, but three. She didn’t realize he knew, let alone would admit, that he had gradually become an alcoholic. Talk about major progress!
“You don’t love someone because he’s perfect. You love him in spite of his flaws,” she told Judd. “Please, let me help you. Let me love you.”
“And if I can’t give you anything in return?”
You can. You will. Someday. “I’m not asking for anything, only that you open yourself up enough to let me in. As a friend, as a lover. Whatever you want or need.”
“I want to do it right this time. Slow and easy. And wait until you don’t have any doubts, when you won’t be thinking about the last time. I want you to be able to trust me.” He held out his hand.
She took his hand and went with him back into the front parlor. He restarted the CD player, and the moment the soft, melodic strands of a tenor sax and a guitar spread through the room, like warm molasses over hot bread, Judd pulled Lindsay into his arms.
“I used to be a pretty good dancer,” he said.
She closed her eyes, laid her head on his chest, curved one arm around his waist, and lifted the other up to his shoulder.
If this was a dream, she hoped she never woke up.