Forty-two
We never saw Azuka again. Four days after he was
due back in Nigeria, I rang the Tehran hotel and confirmed that he
had not come back to his room since his first night. I rang the
airline and was informed that his return ticket had not yet been
used. I rang his mugu’s contact numbers and was greeted by a polite
female voice who responded in Arabic from beginning to end. Or
maybe the language was Iranian. After a week of searching and
trying, the whole Central Intelligence Agency was bleak with
despair.
‘Kings, do you think he’s been arrested?’ Buchi
asked.
‘I have no idea.’
‘But had he seen the mugu by the time he called
you?’ Wizard asked.
‘No. They had spoken, but he was just leaving the
hotel for the meeting. The hotel said he hasn’t come back since.
All his stuff is still in the room.’
‘Can’t we go to the Iranian Embassy and make a
report?’ Buchi asked.
‘How can?’ Wizard and Ogbonna replied at the same
time.
‘Even if we pretend to be his relatives,’ I
explained, ‘that means we’ll have to give them our contact details
to get back to us when they find him. That could just be a neat
trap for them to catch all of us.’
The two new recruits flashed wide open eyes, their
faces flooded with dread.
‘How about the Nigerian Embassy in Tehran?’ one of
them asked.
‘Who will we tell them we’re looking for?’ Ogbonna
asked back. ‘Sheik Shamshudeen or what?’
‘What do you think they could have done to him?’
the second one asked.
‘Ah,’ Wizard replied. ‘You know in Iran they use
Sharia law. They can either cut off his two hands or just behead
him. Simple.’
There was a deathly silence.
‘Kings, maybe you should let Cash Daddy know,’
Buchi suggested quietly.
‘Let’s wait a little and see what happens,’ I
replied. ‘I’ll try to think of something.’
After all, it was all my fault. Why had I changed
Azuka’s mind about his bad luck? His pessimism might have been his
salvation. Perhaps, I did not present my misgivings strongly
enough. He might have been dissuaded from going.
‘We’re here worrying ourselves,’ Wizard said with
an attempt at cheer in his voice. ‘For all we know, they might have
given him seventy virgins to keep him busy. That might be why he’s
forgotten to call.’
Nobody laughed.
I went through the rest of the day’s tasks like a
zombie. All my colleagues looked as if they had been sautéed in a
deep fog. I thought, kept thinking, and continued thinking, but no
solution came to mind. This 419 thing had always been like a game
to me - hooking mugus, making hits, returning to the scene of the
crime and making more hits. For the first time, I was seeing a
chill wind in our game. My sang-froid was in ribbons.
Eventually, I rang Merit. Thankfully, her evening
was free.
‘I’ll be at your house around six,’ I said.
‘OK, I’ll ask my brother to watch out for
you.’
At least there was something cheerful to look
forward to after all this gloom. Merit’s company was a true
delight. She could discuss any topic intelligently, her opinions
always made sense, but unlike Ola, she was quick to say whatever
she thought. At first, I was concerned that she might be an Aunty
Dimma in training, but Merit knew the limits of womanhood. On one
of the evenings we were out together, I got tired of wincing each
time she leaned towards me and finally told her what I thought of
her new hairdo.
‘You look much better with your natural hair,’ I
said. ‘I don’t think you need to use hair extensions.’
Plus, the hair reminded me too much of the Camille
crew. There was never any of them who did not have someone else’s
hair stitched into her scalp.
For almost thirty minutes after my comment, Merit
made her strong arguments for hair extensions. At a point, I just
kept quiet and let her talk.
‘And who says it’s someone else’s hair?’ she
concluded. ‘After all, I paid for it with my own money.’
Nevertheless, she had taken off the extensions the
very next day.
After all was said and done, I preferred a girl who
was forthright from the beginning to one who was coy and submissive
when things were good and who ended up shutting you out coldly when
things went bad.
And best of all, since meeting Merit, I had never
once rung Camille.
Days later, I was still worrying about Azuka. I
acknowledged defeat at last. Cash Daddy’s phone rang out the first
time. The second time, he answered after seven rings. His
environment sounded rowdy.
‘Cash Daddy, please, there’s something I’d like to
discuss with you.’
‘What is it?’
‘It’s about the office.’
‘What type of rubbish is that?’ he yelled. ‘Why
didn’t he sign the document?’
I heard a cowering response from someone in the
background and was relieved to realise that my uncle had not been
talking to me.
‘And so what if it’s not their policy?’ he yelled
on.
The beneficiary of his tirade said something.
‘What car does he drive?’ Cash Daddy asked.
I did not hear the response.
‘Burn down that old car and resurrect another one
for him within three days,’ Cash Daddy replied. ‘Then take that
document back for him to sign.’
Cash Daddy then returned to me.
‘Kings, what’s the problem? How can you be
disturbing me with office matters now? I’m beginning to get very
suspicious of you. Do you want me to be the next democratically
elected executive governor of Abia State or not? You’d better tell
me now.’
‘Cash Daddy, we haven’t heard from Azuka since he
went to Iran. He was due back more than a week ago.’
He was silent for a very long while.
‘I have meetings lined up the whole of today,’ he
said at last, in a mellowed voice. He was silent again. ‘Anyway, no
problem. Come and see me tonight. I’ll be at my hotel.’
If anybody had any doubts before, Cash Daddy was
clearly now a very important man in Abia State of Nigeria. Four
policemen were standing outside the seventh-floor elevator. There
were several more policemen and men in dark suits lining the
corridor. And they were not the usual noise-making otimkpu; these
ones were fully armed to the toenail. My uncle’s head of security
identified and passed me, but I was still stopped and searched
three different times before finally reaching his suite. Obviously,
Cash Daddy had heeded the warnings of his lawyer about the dangers
of Nigerian politics. He was not taking any chances on his enemies
sneaking up on him while he slept.
Protocol Officer was sitting with Cash Daddy’s
campaign manager in the outer room. He asked me to go inside.
The ticket holder of the NAP gubernatorial ticket
was sitting on the bed with a towel wrapped around his waist,
shouting into his cellular phone. There were three Indian girls in
exotic Indian wear, massaging different parts of his body.
Apparently, the local market was no longer sufficient; my uncle was
now hiring expatriate genitalia.
‘Kings, what did you say happened to Azuka?’ he
asked as soon as he finished his call.
I leaned forward in my chair.
‘Cash Daddy, honestly, I don’t even know where to
start.’
‘Make up your mind quickly,’ he replied, and lay
flat on his belly in bed. ‘My eyes are almost closing.’
I told him everything, not forgetting to mention my
warning to Azuka and all my efforts to trace him so far. All the
while I was speaking, Cash Daddy’s eyes were closed and the girls
continued moving their hands up and down his body. He remained like
that for a long time after I finished. Just when I had concluded
that he had fallen asleep, he spoke, still without opening his
eyes.
‘Kings, tell me what you think. If a man is
standing on the rail track and a train comes and knocks him down.
What would you say killed him?’
I did not say anything.
‘Kings.’
‘Yes, Cash Daddy.’
‘What will you say killed him?’
‘Azuka?’
‘Noooo. The man standing on the rail track.’
‘The train?’
He laughed.
‘It’s not the train. It’s his stupidity that killed
him. Or his deafness. One of the two. Did he not hear the train
coming? I’m disappointed. I’m very, very disappointed. I knew Azuka
had bad luck, but I didn’t know he was this stupid. I can’t believe
I had such a stupid person working for me. How can he carry his two
legs and go to Iran?’
Listening to him was somehow a relief. Cash Daddy
was right. Azuka had been stupid, and there I was thinking it was
my fault. There I was worrying that this business of ours was more
dangerous than I had previously thought, that I might someday fall
into unforeseen troubles. It was all about sense and craft. And I
was certainly not as stupid as Azuka. Like the spider spinning her
web and knowing which threads were safe for her to tread on and
which were the sticky ones meant to trap her meals, I was quite a
master at the work of my hands. One of the Indian girls started
cracking the knuckles of Cash Daddy’s toes.
‘The thing about our business is that one has to be
smart,’ Cash Daddy continued. ‘There are mugus in America, Britain,
Germany, Russia, Argentina, France, Brazil, Switzerland, Spain,
Australia, Canada, Japan, Belgium, New Zealand, Italy, Netherlands,
Denmark, Norway . . . Kings, remind me. What other
countries?’
‘Spain.’
‘No. I’ve already mentioned that one.’
‘Japan.’
‘I’ve also mentioned that one.’
‘Errr . . . Israel.’
‘Good! Even Israel. There are mugus all over the
world. Yet it’s the one in Iran that Azuka went to look for.
Doesn’t he know that those ones are not real oyibo people? Their
level of mugu is not as high. In fact, they are almost as smart as
we are. Me, I’m not afraid of anybody, but I know where to put my
leg and where not to put my leg. That’s one of the secrets of my
success. Azuka was just stupid.’
He hissed and kept quiet.
‘But, Cash Daddy, isn’t there anything we can
do?’
‘Of course, there is. Why not? First thing tomorrow
morning, you can go to the Iranian Embassy and tell them you’re
looking for one of your brothers who went to Tehran to collect from
a mugu. Tell them that both of you do jobs together, that your
brother hasn’t yet come back and you’re missing him at the office.’
He paused. ‘Or, you can go all the way to Iran and try and find the
mugu. You have the man’s address, don’t you?’
I sat there, gripping the arms of my chair. My head
was woozy, my palms were sweaty, my heart was thumping fast. Azuka
was gone. Vanished. Just like that. And there was nothing any of us
could do about it. Not even Cash Daddy who usually had a solution
to every problem.
To think that Azuka had been so gay and confident
on his way to doom, like the moth as it dances into the flame. What
if disaster suddenly overtook me while I was feeling safe and smug?
What if the FBI or Interpol were waiting when next I turned up at
an airport? What if a disgruntled mugu somehow traced me back to
Nigeria and did my family harm? I could almost feel my hair
whitening with fright.
‘Don’t you?’ Cash Daddy repeated.
I jumped.
‘Yes, I do,’ I replied slowly.
‘Good. You can go tomorrow. If you leave for Lagos
tomorrow morning, you should be able to catch the first flight to
Iran. But before you go, make sure you tell me what story you want
me to tell your mother when you don’t come back. Which reminds me.
Why have you been having problems with your mother?’
‘What problems?’ I asked, surprised. I had never
discussed anything about my mother with him.
‘This woman phoned the other day. What’s her name?
That mad woman who left her husband’s house.’
‘Aunty Dimma?’
‘Yes, that’s the one. I couldn’t talk to her, but
she left a message with Protocol Officer on my phone. She said your
mother is very worried about you, that I should leave you alone to
go and find a job. What’s the problem? What’s happening?’
Aunty Dimma and her uninvited opinions yet again.
But there was something about the atmosphere, something about the
realisation that Azuka might be gone forever and Cash Daddy’s swift
change of subject beyond that problem, that made me gush. Like a
geyser, I vented everything, complete with my mother refusing my
gifts and better medical treatment when she was ill.
‘Sometimes when I go to visit her,’ I concluded, ‘I
wonder if all the money I’m making is worth it. I think she was
even happier when she had nothing except the hope that I would one
day get a job and start taking care of her. Honestly, I don’t know
what to do. Sometime ago, I was considering maybe going back to
school to do a postgraduate or something. I really don’t
know.’
‘There’s a pimple on my cheek,’ Cash Daddy said.
‘Press it.’
‘Sorry?’
‘There’s a pimple on my cheek,’ Cash Daddy said
again. ‘Press it.’
I realised that he was talking to his Indian girls.
Apparently, none of them expected that talking or listening would
be part of the job description. They ignored his instruction.
‘Kings, I don’t think these girls understand
English. Explain to them what I’m saying.’
I reached out and tapped one of the girls. With
fingers on my face, I puffed out my cheek, and showed her what Cash
Daddy wanted.
‘Ahhnnnnnnnnnnnn,’ she said and smiled, then went
to work.
‘So how is your mother’s health now?’ Cash Daddy
asked. ‘Is she feeling better?’
‘Yes, she’s a lot better. She eventually saw the
eye specialist and they did some tests. The medicine he gave her
seems to be working.’
He nodded.
‘Kings, I don’t believe that at this stage in your
life you’re still talking about going back to school. Look, don’t
burn down your whole house because of the presence of a rat. You
know what we shall do? Just hold on for a while. Just hold on. Once
I become governor, I’ll find you one small political appointment
that will keep her happy.’
He flapped his right hand in the air like someone
flicking through a bulky file.
‘Maybe something in the Ministry of Education or
Ministry of Finance,’ he said, arriving at the page he wanted at
last.
‘How about the Ministry of Works and Transport?’ I
asked. Since my father had worked there, my mother would definitely
be thrilled.
‘If that’s what you prefer,’ Cash Daddy replied.
‘But it has to be something small that won’t take too much of your
attention. Because as soon as I become governor, I’ll have even
less time for business than I have now.’
It was understandable for Cash Daddy to be
concerned about the future of his business. He had spent years
building things up to this level - the local and foreign contacts,
the staff, the expertise. He had also taken great pains to recruit
and groom me. His suggestion made sense.
‘The problem with you is that you don’t know how to
think,’ Cash Daddy continued. ‘Too much book has blocked your
brain. You see all these problems you’re having with your mother?
They will all disappear as soon as you get married. Can you imagine
how happy she’ll be if you brought a wife for her? Once your mother
starts seeing grandchildren all over the place, she’ll forget about
your job.’
Hmm. This sounded quite attractive. And Merit had
the sort of appearance that my mother was likely to fall for. She
looked like a utensil, not an ornament.
‘Even me,’ Cash Daddy continued, ‘I’m thinking of
picking an extra wife. Because of my new status. You
understand?’
He asked the question solemnly, like a humble man
struggling to cope with the greatness that had suddenly been thrust
upon him. I nodded.
‘After my first term in office, when I’m
campaigning for second term, I want to have a beautiful young woman
who’ll be following me around. I hear that’s the way they do it in
America. I hear they even carry their children around with them
sometimes. Maybe, I’ll bring my boy to join me, too. You know he
speaks very, very good English. His English is even better than
yours.’
How would his current Mrs react to the concept of
her husband bringing in a second wife who would be the face of her
husband’s campaigns? I could only imagine.
‘But Kings, sometimes you make me wonder.’
He shook his head out of the pimple-presser’s grasp
and turned to me.
‘Look, there are many different ways to kill a rat.
You just need to forget all the books you read in school and learn
how to think smarter. A person who doesn’t know how to dance should
look at those who know and imitate their steps. Look at me for
example. You know I have my car showrooms and my filling
stations?’
I nodded.
‘You know I have my hotels and my rented
properties?’
I nodded.
‘That’s being smart. That way, when people ask, I
can always point and say, this is what I do that brings in my
money, that’s what I do that brings in my money. Do you understand
what I’m saying?’
I nodded.
‘You need to look for ways to invest the money you
have loaded in your account. There are so many business
opportunities for you to choose from. Take telecommunications for
example. With this new GSM technology, soon, everybody is going to
be able to afford cellular phones. What stops you from getting
involved in that? Then there’s the Internet. From what I hear, very
soon, even poor people won’t be able to do anything without using
the internet. What stops you from importing equipment and starting
your own business centre?’
He waited for me to answer.
‘Nothing.’
‘You see? Kings, use your brain. If the cow makes
its tail beautiful, it will be useful for swatting flies; if it
makes its horn beautiful, it will be useful for drinking wine.
Learn how to make your money work for you.’
As usual, Cash Daddy was making a great deal of
sense. The best thing was just to put Azuka out of my mind and move
on with my life.