HOW TO
STUBBORnLY
REFUSE TO
MAKE
YOURSELF
II
ALBERT ELLIS, Ph.D.
3. uthor of A NEW GUIDE TO RATIONAL LIVING
How to
Stubbornly Refuse
to Make Yourself
Miserable About
Anything Yes,
Anything!
Books and Monographs by Albert EUis
.An Introduction to the Principles of ScientiBc
Psychoanalysis The Folklore of Sex
New Approaches to Psychotherapy Techniques
Sex, Society and the Individual (with A. P. Pillay) Sex Life of the American Woman and the Kinsey Report
The American Sexual Tragedy
The Psychology of Sex Offenders (with Ralph Brancale)
How to Live with a "Neurotic"
Sex Without Guilt
What is
Psychotherapy?
The Place of Value in the Practice of Psychotherapy
The Art and Science of Love
A Guide to Rational Living (with Robert A. Harper)
Creative Marriage (paperl:iack edition title: A Guide to Successful Marriage) (with Robert A. Harper)
The Encyclopedia of Sexual Behavior (with Albert Abarbanel) Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy
If This Be Sexual Heresy •• ,
The Origins and Development of the Incest
Taboo Sex and the Single Man
The Intelligent Woman's Guide to Manhunting
Nymphomania: A Study of the Over-sexed Woman (with Edward Sagarin)
;Homosexuality
The Case for Sexual Liberty
Suppressed: Seven Key Essays Publishers Dared Not Print The Search for Sexual Enjoyment
The Art of Erotic Seduction (with Roger 0.
Conway) Is Objectivism a Religion?
How to Prevent Your Child from Becoming a Neurotic Adult (paperback edition title: How to Raise an Emotionally
Healthy, Happy Child (with Janet L. Wolfe and Sandra
Moseley)
Growth Through Reason (with Ben N. Ard, Jr., John M. Gullo, Paul A
Hauck, Maxie C. Maultsby, Jr., and H. Jon Geis)
Executive Leadership: A Rational Approach
Sex and Sex Education: A Bibliography (with Flora C. Seruya and Susan Losher)
Murder and Assassination (with John M.
Gullo) How to Master Your Fear of Flying
The Civilized Couple's Guide to Extramarital Adventure
The Sensuous Person: Critique and Corrections
Humanistic Psychotherapy: The Rational-Emotive Approach
A New Guide to Rational Living (with Robert A.
Harper) Sex and the Liberated Man
Anger: How to Live With and Without It
Overcoming Procrastination (with William Knaus)
Handbook of Rational-Emotive Therapy (with Russel Grieger)
A Garland of Rational Songs
The Intelligent Woman's Guide to Dating and Mating
Theoretical and Empirical Foundations of Rational-Emotive Therapy (with John M. Whiteley)
A Guide to Personal Happiness (with Irving Becker)
Rational-Emotive Approaches to the Problems of Childhood (with Michael E. Bernard)
Overcoming Resistance
Applications of Rational-Emotive Therapy to Problems of Living (with Michael E. Bernard)
Rational-Emotive Therapy and Cognitive Behavior Therapy
How to
Stubbornly Refuse
to Make
Yourself Miserable
About Anything
Yes, Anything!
by Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
A LYLE STUART BOOK
Published by carol Publishing
Group
Carol Publishing Group Edition, 1995
Copyright© 1988 Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy All rights reserved,. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except by a newspaper or magazine reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review.
A Lyle Stuart Book
Published by Carol Publishing Group
Lyle Stuart is a registered trademark of Carol Communications, Inc.
Editorial Offices: 600 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10022
Sales & Distribution Offices: 120 Enterprise Avenue, Secaucus, NJ 07094
In Canada: Canadian Manda Group, One Atlantic Avenue, Suite 105
Toronto, Ontario, M6K 3E7
Queries regarding rights and permissions should be addressed to: Carol Publishing Group, 600 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10022
Manufactured in the United States of
America ISBN 0-8184-0456-6
22 21 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11
Carol Publishing Group books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases, sales promotions, fund raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details contact: Special Sales Department,
Carol Publishing Group, 120 Enterprise Ave., Secaucus, NJ 07094
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication
Data Ellis, Albert.
How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything-yes, anything! I by Albert Ellis.
p. em.
Bibliography : p.
Includes index.
I. Rational-emotive psychotherapy. I.
Title. RC489.R3FA43
1988
616.89'1 c 19
87-37577
CIP
Contents
1. Why Is This Book Different from Other Self-Help
Books?
9
2. Can You Really Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything?
13
3. Can Scientific Thinking Remove Your Emotional
Misery?
21
4. How to Think Scientifical y About Yourself, Other People, and Your Life Conditions
29
5. Why the Usual Kinds of Insight Won't Help You
Overcome Your Emotional Problems
39
6. Insight No.1: Making Yourself Fully Aware ofYour Appropriate and Inappropriate Feelings
42
7. Insight No. 2: You Control Your Emotional Destiny 48
8. Insight No. 3: The Tyranny of the Shoulds
59
9. Insight No. 4: Forget Your "Godawful" Past!
69
10. Insight No. 5: Actively Dispute Your Irrational Beliefs 75
11. Insight No. 6: You Can Refuse to Upset Yourself About Upsetting Yourself
85
12. Insight No. 7: Solving Reality Problems as Wel as Emotional Problems
93
13. Insight No. 8: Changing Thoughts by Acting Against Them
107
14. Insight No. 9: Using Work and Practice
117
15. Insight No. 10: Forcefully Changing Your Beliefs and Behaviors
131
5
6
CONTENTS
16. Insight No. 11: Achieving Emotional Change Is Not Enough. Maintaining It Is Harder!
141
17. Insight No. 12: HYou Backslide, Try, Try Again 153
18. Insight No. 13: You Can Extend Your Refusal to Make Yourself Miserable
161
19. Insight No. 14: Yes, You Can Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Severely Anxious or Depressed About
Anything!
171
Notes
177
References
181
Appendix. Sample Rational-Emotive
Therapy Homework Report
203
Index
209
How to
Stubbornly
Refuse to Make
Yourself Miserable
About Anything
Yes, Anything!
CH
AP
TER
1 Why Is This Book Different from
Other Self-help BooksP
Hundreds of self-help books are published every year, and many of them are truly helpful to millions of readers. Why bother to write another? Why should I try to surpass my own and Robert A. Har- per's A New Guide to Rational Living, which has already sold over a million copies, and try to supplement derivative books, such as Your Erroneous Zones, which have also had literally millions of readers? Why bother?
For several important reasons. Although Rational-Emotive Therapy (RET), which Ioriginated in 1955, is now a major part of the psychological scene today, and although most modem therapists (yes, even psychoanalysts) include big chunks of it in their treatment plans, it is often used in a watered-down, wishy-washy way.
Aside from my professional writing, no book as yet gives a hard- headed, straight-from-the-horse's-mouth version of RET; and
those few that have attempted to do so are not written in simple, popular, self-help form.1 The present volume aims to make up for this omission.
More specifically, this book has the following goals-which I do not think you will find presented, all together, in any other book on acquiring mental health and happiness.
• It encourages you to have and to express strong feelings when something goes wrong with your life. But it clearly distin- guishes between your feeling appropriately and helpfully con- cerned, sorry, sad, frustrated, or annoyed and your feeling
9
Why Is This Book
inappropriately and destructively panicked, depressed, en- raged, and self-pitying.
• It shows you how to cope with difficult life situations and how
to feel better when you are faced with them. But, more important-much more important-it demonstrates how
you can get better as well as feel better when you needlessly
..neuroticize" and plague
yourself.
• It not orrly teaches you how you can control your emotional destiny and can stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable over anything (yes, anything!), but it also specifical y explains what you can do to use your potential for self-control.
• It rigorously stays with and promotes scientific thinking, reason, and reality, and it strictly avoids what most self-help books carelessly counsel today-huge amounts of
mysticism, religiosity, and utopianism.
• It will help you achieve a profound philosophic change and a radically new outlook on life instead of a Pollyannaish
"positive
thinking" attitude that will only help you cope temporarily with difficulties and will often defeat you in the long run.
• It gives you many techniques for changing your personality, which are not backed merely by anecdotal or case-history ..evi-
dence," but which have now been proved to be effective by scores of objective, scientific experiments that were con- ducted with control groups.
• It efficiently shows you how you are now still creating your
present emotional and behavioral problems, and it doesn't en- courage you to waste endless time and energy foolishly trying to understand and explain your past history. It demonstrates
how you still needlessly upset yourself and what you can do
today to refuse to keep
doing so.
• It encourages you to take full responsibility for your
"upsetness" and for reducing it rather than copping out
Why Is This Book
by blaming your pare nts or social conditions for your going along
with
their
silly
teachings.
• This book presents the ABCs of RET (and of other forms of cognitive and cognitive-behavioral therapy) in a simple, un- derstandable way, and it shows how stimuli or Activating Events (A) in your life do not mainly or directly cause your emotional consequences (C). Instead, your Belief System (B)
largely upsets you, and you therefore have the ability to
Why Is This Book Different
11
Dispute (D) these irrational Beliefs (iBs) and to change them. It especially shows you many thinking, many emotive, and many behavioral methods of disputing and surrendering your irrational Beliefs (iBs) and thereby arriving at an Effective New Philosophy (E) of life.
• It shows you not only how to keep your present desires, wishes, preferences, goals, and values; but how to give up your grandiose, godlike demands and commands-those abso- lutistic and dogmatic shoulds, oughts, and musts that you add to desires and preferences and by which you needlessly dis- turb yourself.
• It informs you how to be independent and inner-directed and how to think for yourself rather than be gullible and suggest- ible, going along with what others think you should think.
• It gives you many practical, action-oriented exercises, which you can use to work at and practice RET ways of rethinking and redoing your way of living.
• It shows you how to be rational in a highly irrational world- how to be as happy as you can be under some of the most
difficult and ..impossible" conditions. It insists that you can
stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about some truly gruesome happenings-poverty,.terrorism, sickness, war; and that you can, if you choose to do so, work more effectively to change some of the worst situations that confront you, and perhaps even the entire world.
• It will help you understand some of the main roots of mental disturbance-such as bigotry, intolerance,
dogmatism, tyr-
anny, and despotism-and to see how you can combat
these roots of neurosis in yourself and in others.
• It presents a large variety of RET methods for dealing with se- vere feelings of anxiety, depression, hostility, self-denigration, and self-pity. More than any other major school of therapy, RET is truly eclectic and multimodal. At the same time, it is selective and does its best to eliminate harmful and inefficient methods of psychotherapy.
• RET is highly active-directive. It gets to the heart of human disturbance quickly and effectively, and presents self-help
procedures that can be unusually effective in a short period of time.
• This book shows you how to be an honest hedonist and
Why Is This Book
individualist-to be true to thine own self :first, but at the same time live happily, successfully, and relatedly in a social group. It lets you keep and even sharpen your own special values, goals, and ideals while being a responsible citizen of your chosen community.
• It is simple and, I hope, exceptionally clear, but far from sim..
plistic. Its wisdom, gleaned from many philosophers and psy
chologists, is practical and earthy-but nonetheless profound.
• It presents rules and methods derived from today's fastest growing type of therapies-RET (Rational-Emotive
Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy)-which have grown enormously in recent years through their efficacy in helping millions of clients as well as thousands of therapists. It takes the best of the self-help techniques from which these therapies are formed and adapts them to the ability of the average reader to use them. That means Y-0-U.
Does this book, finally, uniquely tell you how to stubbornly r fuse to make yourself miserable about anything-yes, anything? Really? Honestly? No nonsense about it? Yes, it actually does-if you will sincerely listen (L-I-S-T-E-N) and work (W-0-R-K) at r ceiving and using its message.
Will you listen?
Wil you work?
Will you T-H-I-N-
K? You definitely
can. I hope you will!
CHAPTE
R 2
Can You Really Refuse to Make
Yourself Miserable About Anything?
This book has a strange message, that practically all human misery and serious emotional turmoil are quite unnecessary-not to men- tion unethical. You, unethical? When you make yourself severely anxious or depressed, you clearly are acting against you and are be- ing unfair and unjust to yourself.
Your disturbance also badly affects your social group. It helps to upset your relatives and friends and, to some extent, your whole community. The expense of making yourself panicked, enraged, and self-pitying is enormous. In time and money lost.
In needless
effort spent. In uncalled-for mental anguish. In sabotaging others'
happiness. In foolishly frittering away potential joy during the one life-yes, the one life-you'll ever have.
What a waste. How unnecessary!
But isn't emotional pain the human condition? Yes, it is. Hasn't it been with us since time immemorial? Yes, it has. Isn't it, then, inevitable as long as we are truly human, as long as we have the capacity to feel?
No, it isn't.
Let us not confuse painful feelings with emotional disturbance. Humans distinctly feel. Other animals feel, too, but not as deli- cately. Dogs, for example, seem to feel what we may call love, sad- ness, fear, and pleasure. Not exactly as we do, butthey definitely have feelings.
But how about awe? Romantic love? Poetic ardor? Creative pas- sion? Scientific curiosity? Do dogs and chimpanzees have these
feelings
too?
13
1
Can You Real y Refuse To Make Yourself
I doubt it. Our subtle, romantic, creative feelings arise from complex thoughts and philosophies. As Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius, ancient stoic philosophers, pointed out, we humans mainly feel the way we think. No, not completely.
But mainly.
That is the crucial message that Rational-Emotive Therapy
(RET) has been making for over thirty years, after I adapted some of its principles from the ancients and from later thinkers- especially from Baruch Spinoza, Immanuel Kant, John Dewey, and Bertrand Russell. We do largely create our own feelings; and we do so by learning (from our parents and others) and by in- venting (in our own heads) our own sane and foolish thoughts.
Create? Yes, create. We consciously and unconsciously
choose
to think and hence to feel in certain self-helping and self-harming ways. 1
Not totally. Not altogether. Not by a long shot! For we have great help, if you want to call it that, from both our heredity and our environment.
No, we are hardly born with specific thoughts, feelings, and be- haviors. Nor does our environment directly make us act or feel. But our genes and our social upbringing give us strong tendencies to do (and enjoy) what we do. And although we usually go along with (or indulge in) these tendencies, we don't exactly have to. We definitely don't.
Not that we have unlimited choice or free will. Heck, no.
We can't, no matter how hard we try, Hap our hands and fly.
We can't easily stop our various addictions to substances such as cigarettes, food, and alcohol, or to habits such as procrastination. We have one hell of a time changing any of our fixed habits. Alas, we dol
But we can choose to change ourselves remarkably. We are
able to alter our strongest thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Why? Be-
cause unlike dogs, monkeys, and cockroaches, we are human.
As humans, we are born with (and can escalate) a trait that other crea- tures rarely possess: the ability to think about our thinking. We are not only natural philosophers, we can philosophize about our phi- losophy, reason about our reasoning.
1
Can You Real y Refuse To Make Yourself
Which is da mned lucky! And which gives us some degree of self- determination or free will. For if we were just one-level thinkers and could not examine our thinking, could not weigh
our feelings, could not review our actions, where would we be? Pretty well
st
uck! Actually, we are not stuck or habit-bound-if we choose
not to
Can You Really Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable 15
be
. For we can be aware of our surroundings and also aware of
our selves. We are born-yes, born-with a rare potential for observ- ing and thinking about our own behavior. Not that other animals (primates, for example) have no self-consciousness. They do have some. But not very much.
We humans have real self-awareness. We can, though we do not
have to, observe and judge our own goals, desires, and purposes. We can examine, review, and change them. We can also see and reflect upon our changed ideas, emotions, and doings. And we can change them. And change them again-and againl2 Now let's not run this idea of ..self-change" into the ground. Of course we have this capacity. Of course we can use it, but not with- out limits-not perfectly. We get our original goals and desires largely from our biological tendencies and from our early childhood training.
We like mother's milk (or bottled formulas), and we enjoy
nest- ling up to our parents' bodies. We like mother's milk and parental cuddling because we are born to like them, are
trained to like
them, and become habituated to liking them. So what we call our desires and preferences are not all freely chosen.
Many are in- stilled in us by our heredity and our conditioning.
The more we choose to use our self-awareness and to think about our goals and desires, the more we create-yes, create-free will or self-determination. That also goes for our emotions, both our healthy and our disturbed feelings. Take, for instance, your own feelings of frustration and disappointment when you suffer a loss. Someone promises to give you ajob, for example, or lend you some
money, and then backs down. Naturally, you feel annoyed and sad. Good. These negative feelings acknowledge that you are not get- ting what you want and encourage you to look for another job or another loan.
So, your feelings of annoyance and sadness are at first uncomfortable and "bad." In the long run, however, they tend to help you get more of what you want and less of what you don't want.
Do you have a choice of these healthy negative feelings when something goes wrong in your life? Yes. You may choose to feel very annoyed--or a little annoyed. You may choose to focus
on the advantages of losing a promised job (such as the opportunity to try for a better one) and hardly feel annoyed at all. Or you may choose to put down the person who falsely promised you the job and feel happy about being a ''better person" than this "louse."
16 Can You Realy Refuse To Make Yourself
You may also choose to highlight the disadvantages of getting
the promised job (for example, the hassle of commuting to work)
and actually make yourself feel quite pleased about not getting
it. You might have to work at not feeling sad and annoyed about
losing the job, but you could definitely choose to do so.
So you do have a choice about your natural or normal
reactions
to losing a job (or a loan or anything else). Usually, you
would not
bother to exert this choice, and you would choose to accept
the normal, healthy feelings of annoyance and disappointment,
using them in the future to help you. You would live with
them and benefit from them.
Now let us suppose that when you are unfairly deprived of a
job or a loan you make yourself feel severely anxious,
depressed, self- denigrated, or enraged. You see that you are
being treated un- fairly. You upset yourself immensely about
their unfairness.
Can you still choose to have or not have these very strong,
off- the-wall feelings?
Definitely, yes. Clearly, you can.
That is the main theme of this book: No matter how badly
you act, no matter how unfairly others treat you, no matter
how crummy the conditions you live under are-you virtually always (yes, A-L-W-A-Y-S) have the ability and the power to change your intense feelings of anxiety, despair, and hostility.
'' Not only can you decrease them, you can annihilate and
'
h:
remove them. If you use the methods outlined in the following chapters. If you work at using them!
When you suffer a real loss, are your feelings of panic, depres- sion, and rage unnatural? No, they are so natural, so normal that
they are a basic part of the human condition. They are exception- ally common and universal. Virtually all of us have them-and of- ten! It would be most strange if you did not feel them fairly fre-
.....-: quently.
; , But normal or common doesn't mean healthy. Colds are very common. So are bruises, broken bones, and infections.
But they
are hardly good or beneficial!
17 Can You Realy Refuse To Make Yourself
/ So it is with f
eelings of anxiety. Concern, caution, vigilance, and what we may call lig
Can You Really Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable 17
But severe anxiety, nervousness, dread, and panic are
normal (or frequent) but unhealthy. Severity of anxiety leads to dismal overconcern, to terror, and to horror. It can freeze you and help you to behave incompetently and unsocially. So by all means, keep your feelings of concern and caution but junk your feelings of overconcern, "awfulizing," panic, and dread.
Firs Ho
t, acknowl w
edge t ?
hat
the two feelings are quite different
and don't quibble or rationalize that anxiety is a healthy condition. Don't claim that anxiety is inevitable and has to be accepted as long as you live. No. Concern or caution is almost inevitable (and good) for you. But not panic and horror.
What is the difference between concern and panic? l The difference stems from seeing the things you desire as abso ']
1'
lute necessities. As I pointed out in A New Guide to Rational
Liv- ing, you create severe anxiety when you jump from inclination to "musturbation."
--
Ifyou prefer to perform well and want to be ac'(.-epted by others, you are concerned that you will fail and be rejected. Your healthy concern encourages you to act c'Ompetently and nicely.
But if you devoutly believe that you absolutely, under all conditions, must perform well and that you have to he accepted by others, you will then tend to make yourself-yes,
make yourseU:-panicked if you don't perform as well as you supposedly must.
What luck! Ifthe theories of Epictetus, Karen Horney (who first talked about the "tyranny of the shoulds"), Alfred Korzybski (the
founder of general semantics), and RET are correct, you almost al- ways bring on your emotional problems by rigidly adopting one ba- sic method of crooked thinking-musturbation.
Therefore, if you
understand how you upset yourself by slipping into irrational shoulds, oughts, demands, and commands, unconsciously sneaking them into your thinking, you can just about always stop disturbing yourself about anything.
Always? No, just about always.
For there are, as we shall discuss later, a few exceptions to the rule of musturbation. But in about ninety-five out of a hundred cases, you can spot your musturbatory thinking,
quickly change it, and refuse to be miserable about the hassles that you "normally" upset yourself about.
Real y?
Can You Really Refuse To Make Yourself
Yes, really, as you can rationally figure out if you think about it. Can I prove this RET claim? I think that I can. Modern psychology has done many experiments showing that panicked and de- pressed people have been able, by changing their outlook, to over- come their disturbed feelings and to lead much happier lives. Recently, thanks to researchers who do studies of Rational- Emotive Therapy, Cognitive Therapy, and other cognitive- behavioral therapies, we now have more than two hundred con- trolled scientific studies showing that teaching people how to change some of their negative ideas helps them to feel and act much better. We also have hundreds of other studies indicating
that the main techniques used in RET work effectively.
Still another batch of scientific studies-at the present writing, over 250 of them-have tested whether the main irrational Beliefs (iBs) that people hold (and that I pointed out in 1956) actually show how emotionally disturbed they are.
About 95 percent of these
studies show that people who have serious emotional problems ad- mit that they have more irrational beliefs than people who have lesser problems. 5
Does all this scientific evidence prove that you can easily dis- cover your unconditional, rigid shoulds, oughts, musts, com- mands, and demands that make you miserable and soon give them up? Can you quickly become a clear thinker and thereafter lead a carefree life?
Not necessarily! It takes, as the rest of this book will show, more than
that.
But there is an answer. You definitely can see, dispute, and sur- render the irrational ideas with which you upset yourself.
You can use scientific thinking to uproot your self-defeating dogmas.
How?
Read the next chapter and
see. But first, an exercise.
Can You Really Refuse To Make Yourself
RET
1
Exercise No.
At first, the following exercise seems very simple, but it is not quite as easy as it appears. It gives you practice at distinguishing between
your
appropriate and
your
inappropriate negative feel-
Can You Really Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable 19
ings when you view something in your life as "unfortunate"
or when you are concerned about a "bad" event occurring.
Distinguishing between appropriate concern, caution,
vigilance and inappropriate anxiety, nervousness, and panic.
Imagine some very bad or unfortunate thing that might happen to you soon, such as losing a good job, being hurt in an accident, or losing a loved one. Vividly imagine that this event may easily OC· cur. How do you feel? What are you telling yourself in order to create this feeling?
If you feel appropriate concern or caution, you are telling your· self something such as, "I certainly wouldn't like this unfortunate
thing happening, but if it does occur, I can handle it." "If my mate
were very ill or dead, that would be very sad, but I could still live and be reasonably happy." "If I lost my sight, that would be excep· tionally handicapping, but I could still have a good many enjoy- ments."
Notice that all these thoughts state how deprived and sorry you would be if certain events occurred, but all add a but that would still leave you an option for living and enjoying life.
If you feel inappropriate anxeity, nervousness, or
panic, look for these kinds of musts, necessities, awfulizings,
1can'tstandits,
"If
selfdownings, and overgeneralizations:
I lost
my job, as I must
not, I could never get a good one again, and that would show what a wholly incompetent person I ami" "I must have a
guarantee that my mate must not die, for if he or she did, I
couldn't stand being
alone and would always be miserable." "It's absolutely
necessary that I not lose my sight, for if I did, my life would be awful and horrible, and I could never enjoy anything again!"
Note that these are predictions of unconditional and complete pain and that they leave you no way out of continual suffering.
Imagine, again, that something dreadful has actually happened
to you, such as losing all your money, having a boss who is always
criticizing you, or being treated very unfairly by your best friend or mate. Do you, as you imagine this, feel only sorry, sad, and regret- ful? Or do you also feel inappropriately depressed or angry?
If you feel depressed, look for shoulds, oughts, and
musts like these: "I should have been more careful with my money. What a
Can You Really Refuse To Make Yourself
fool I was for not being more cautious!" "My boss ought not criti- cize me like that! I can't bear that kind of continual criticism!"
If you feel very angry, look for musturbating self-statements like
these: "My best friend must not treat me that unfairly! What a thor- ough louse he is!" "My living conditions have to be better than they are! How unjust and horrible it is that things are this way!" Whenever you have strong negative feelings because unfortu- nate things are actually happening to you or you imagine that they might occur, see whether these feelings appropriately follow from your wishes and desires to have better things occur. Or are you cre- ating them by going beyond your preferences and inventing pow- erful shoulds, oughts, musts,
demands, commands, and necessi ties? If so, you are turning concern and caution into overconcern, severe anxiety, and panic. Observe the real difference in your feelings!
CHAPTER 3
Can Scientific Thinking Remove Your
Emotional MiseryP
You can figure out by sheer logic that if you were only-andImean der
onlyto stay with your desires and preferences, and if you practically
were never-and Imean neverto stray into unrealistic demands all
that your desires have to be fulfilled, you could very rarely conditions,
disturb, re· aUy disturb, yourself about anything.
must have
Why?
it. And ifl
Because your preferences start off with, .. would very much don't get it,
like
as I
or prefer to have success, approval, or comfort," and then end completely
with the conclusion, ..ButIdon't have to have it.Iwon't die
must, it's
without it. And Icould be happy (though not as happy)
awful,
without it."
can't stand
Or your preferences begin with, "I would distinctly dislike or
it, am an
ab hor failure, rejection, or discomfort." They then conclude, if
inferior
"But,
Iexperience failure, rejection, or pain,I can stand
it.
person for
Iwon't col
lapse.
not
Ican still be reasonably happy (though not as
if
happy)
arranging
I
have
these
unfortunate
to get it,
experiences."
and the
When you insist, however, that you always must have or world is a
do something, you think in this way: ..BecauseIwould very much
horrible
like
place for
or prefer to have success, approval, or pleasure, not giving
Iabsolutely, un-
me what
I must
have! Iam sure that I'll never get it, and therefore Ican't be
happy at all!"
When you think in this rigid, musturbatory way, you will
fre- quently feel anxious, depressed, self-hating, hostile, and
self- pitying. Just stick to your profound, rigid shoulds,
oughts, and musts and you will see how you feel!
21
ijlrl.t<.._ ;?.,.(_t0
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<)
0 '' '
') 1' A
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1 -
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Can Scientific Thinking Remove Your
Are dogmatic and unconditional musts the only causes of emo- tional problems? No, not exactly. Some disturbances, such as psy- chosis and epilepsy, may include few musts. Other mental prob-
; ' - !i\ lems, such as severe depression and alcoholism, may involve
, physical ailments that actually create, as well as are created by,
..., '
musts and other fOrms of crooked thinking.
:( -; But the usual kinds of emotional disturbances or neuroses (such
·
; :, . i as most feelings of anxiety and rage) largely come from gran tdiose
·._.) .
\
thinking. Even when you have great feelings of
t l {
inadequacy?fres,
your inferiority feelings are, ironically, the result of your
·l -,,
!
godlike
-
demands']
...;.
Take Stevie, for example. Twenty-three, with a law degree and
._;· wel on his way to becoming a CPA, Stevie seemed to have every-
thing anyone could want. Including a great build, almost perfect features, and adoring-and filthy rich-parents. Yet, Stevie was a social basket case-with no friends, no dates, unable to talk about anything but law and business. And he thoroughly hated himself.
Did Stevie have an older brother who was much better than he at socializing?
Was he unconsciously guilty about lusting after his mother?
Had he struck out on the ball field with three kids on base and been laughed at by all his sixth-grade classmates?
Did his father yell at him for masturbating and threaten to cut his penis off?
None of the above. Stevie had few childhood traumas and suc- ceeded at almost everything he did.
But ... ?
By the time he reached puberty, in spite of the love and accept- ance of his parents, and in spite of his fine performance at school and at sports, Stevie hated himself.
Why?
Because he was lousy at conversation. He had a high-pitched voice and a slight lisp. And, perfectionist that he was, he demanded of himself that he speak beautifully. But the more he in- sisted that he had to speak very well, the more he
Can Scientific Thinking Remove Your
2
stuttered and stammered. Then he mainly shut up and withdrew.
By the time he was twenty-three, everyone knew Stevie as an exceptionally shy, inhibited young man. No one doubted his self- hatred. But few realized his underlying grandiosity-his absolute need to be perfect and ideal in every respect and his complete re-
Can Scientific Thinking Remove Your
fusal to accept any kind of mediocrity. Only after several months of RET was I able to show Stevie that he was laying many shoulds
on himself. Such as: "I have to be great at every important thing.
And when I talk stupidly or badly at aU, as I absolutely must
not, I am completely worthless. So why, when I cannot speak outstandingly well, try at all?"
At first, Stevie couldn't admit his perfectionism. But he finally saw his godlike demands on himself. Once he reeognized these de- mands and began to use RET to dispute them, and once he began to feel that he didn't have to speak beautifully, he lost his feelings of inadequacy. Even though he still lisped and talked in a high- pitched voice, he stopped withdrawing, and foreed himself to keep talking and talking-and finally became a good conversationalist.
Not all emotional disturbanee stems from arrogant thinking.
But \ most of it does. And when you demand thaf you must not ham. _;
mgs, you cal ' also demand that you must not be neurotic.
Stevie,
for example, clearly saw that he was neurotic-and then put himself down for being disturbed and hence made himself
more neu- rotic.
Thus, he told himself, "Other people aren't as shy as I am. How nutty of me to be so shy when most others don't have this problem. I must not be so neurotic! How stupid of me to be this disturbed!" So he created a secondary problem-a neurosis about his neurosis!
When you are neurotic, you almost always make yourself that way with illogical and unrealistic thinking. First, you are born with a talent for accepting and creating self-damaging ideas. Then you are considerably aided by your environment-which gives you real troubles (such as poverty, disease, and injustice) and whieh often encourages your rigid thinking (such as, "Since you have musical ability, you absolutely ought to be an outstanding musician").
But neurosis stil comes mainly from you. You consciously or unconsciously choose to victimize yourself by it. And you can
ehoose to stop your nonsense and to stubbornly refuse to make yourself neurotic about virtually anything.
You real y can?
Can Scientific Thinking Remove Your
2
Yes, that is the main thrust of this book. You can thi nk icientifically. As a bril iant psychologist, George Kel y, pointed out in 1955, you are a natur.al sc!e_Qtist. Thus, you predict what will happen if you decideto save money to buy a good car. And, once you decide, you observe the results of your decision and
check
Can Scientific Thinking Remove Your
them to try to confirm your predictions. Will you actually be able to save enough? Will you, if you do, get a good car? You check to see.
That is the essence of science: setting up plausible hypotheses or guesses and then experimenting and checking to uphold or dis- prove them. For a hypothesis is not a factonly a guess, an as- sumption. And you check it to determine if it is correct.
Ifit proves false, you reject it and try a new hypothesis. If it seems correct, you tentatively keep it-but always stand ready to change it if later
_, evidence against it arises.
This is the scientific method. It is hardly infallible and often pro- duces uncertain results. But it is probably the best method we
have of discovering "truth" and of understanding "reality."
Many
mystics and religionists have argued that science gives us only a limited view of reality and that we can achieve Absolute Truth and Cosmic Understanding by pure intuition or direct experience of the central energy of the universe. Interesting theories-or hypotheses! But hardly as yet proved. And most likely we can
.never prove or disprove them. Therefore, they are not science, Science is not merely the use oflogic and facts to verify or falsify
a theory. More important, it consists of continually revising and
\ changing theories and trying to replace them with more valid ideas I \ and more useful guesses. It is flexible rather than rigid, open-j minded instead of dogmatic. It strives for a greater truth but not for
l_absolute and perfect truth (with a capital Tl). 1
The principles of RET outlined in this book uniquely hold that anti-scientific, irrational thinking is a main cause of emotional dis- turbance and that if RET persuades you to be an efficient scientist, you wil know how to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about practical y anything. Yes, anything!
\ For if you are consistently scientific and flexible about your de-_
J-;t.
. . ires, preferences, and values, yQl U.!!.<_>!_ scalate theiJl i to elf-:
·"· d l!ting <toginas. You wilf then think, "I strongly prefer to have a
Can Scientific Thinking Remove Your
2
fine . c areer- and be with a partner I love.'' But y ou will not fanatically-and unscientifically!-add: (1) "I must have a fine ca- reer!" (2) "I can only be happy with a partner I love!"
(3) "I am a thoroughly rotten person if I don't achieve the fine career and great relationship I must achieve!"
RET also shows you that if you do, somehow, devoutly believe these rigid musts and thereby make yourself miserable, you can al-
Can Scientific Thinking Remove Your
ways use the scientific method to dispute and uproot them, and can -
,..., .1
start thinking sanely again. For that is what emotional health
\ '"' 1
largely is-sane or scientific thinking. It is next to impossible, RET 1
lJ.j,,.r
holds, to make and keep yourself seriously neurotic if you give up
if
all dogma, all bigotry, all intolerance. For
you think
scientifically, you can acceptthough hardly like-unchangeable - > t.l·•I\.•J
hassles and stop making them into "holy horrors."
..-
Of course, you always won't do this. In no way!
You have as much chance to be a perfect scientist as you have, say, to be a perfect pianist or writer. As a very fallible
human, you'll hardly reach perfection!
You can strive, if you wish, to be as good as you can be.
But you'd better not try for perfection! You can wish for it,
prefer to achieve it, and thereby refuse to upset yourself if you fall short. Even desiring real perfection seems futile.
But to demand it
seems-well, almost perfectly
insane!
So even if you thoroughly read this book and energetically strive to follow its suggestions, you will not become a perfect scientist-or make yourself completely "unmiserable" for the rest of your life. To reap this kind of utopian harvest, try some devout cult which will promise you pure bliss forever. Science will not. But here is a more realistic RET plan:
To challenge your misery, try science. Give it a real chance.
Work at thinking rationally, sticking to reality, checking your hypotheses about yourself, about other people, and about the world. Check them against the best observations and facts that you can find. Stop being a Pollyanna. Give up pie-in-the-sky.
Uproot your easy-to-come-by wishful thinking. Ruthlessly rip up your
childish
prayers.
Yes, rip them up! Again-and again-and again!
Will the millennium then arrive? No. Will you never again feel disturbed? I doubt it. Will you reduce your anxiety, depression,
and
rage
to
near-zero?
Probably not.
Can Scientific Thinking Remove Your
2
But I can, al
most, just about promise you this: The mor e
scientific, mtional, and realistic you become, the less emotionally
uptight you will be. Not zero uptight-for that is inhuman or su· perhuman. But a hell of a lot less. And, as your years go by, and your scientific outlook becomes more solid, less and less neurotic.
Is that a guarantee? No, but a prediction that will probably be fulfilled.
26 Can Scientific Thinking Remove Your
Misery?
RET Exercise No. 2
T
hink of a time when you recently felt anxious about anything. What were you anxious or overconcerned about?
Meeting new people? Doing well at work? Winning the approval of a person you liked? Passing a test or a course? Doing well at a job interview? Winning a game of tennis or chess? Getting into a good school? Learning that you do not have a serious disease? Being treated un- fairly?
Look for your command or demand for success or approval that was creating your anxiety or overconcern. What was your
should, ought, or must? Look for these kinds of anxiety-creating thoughts:
"I must impress these new people I am meeting."
"Because I want to do well at work, I have to!"
"Since I like this person very much, I've got to win his or her approval!"
"Passing this test or course is very important. Therefore, I
have
to
pass it!"
..Because this looks like a good job, it is necessary that I please
the
interviewer."
"If I win this tennis (or chess) game, I will prove how good a player I am. Therefore, it is essential that I win it and show everyone that I'm really
good!"
"This school that I've applied to is one of the best I could enter and I really want to get in it. Consequently, I must get accepted and it would be horrible if I didn't!"
..It would really be terrible if I had a serious disease and if I did I
couldn't stand it. I must know for certain that I don't have it!" "I treated these people very well and therefore they
must not
treat me unfairly and it would be awful if they did!"
In every instance where you have recently felt anxious and overconcerned, look for your preferences ("I would very much
like to get this job") and then find your command or must
("Therefore, I have to get it and I couldn't bear it if I don't!").
Do the same for your recent feelings of depression. Find what
you are depressed about, then persist till you find your
should, ought, or must that is creating your depression.
Examples:
"Because I want this job and should have prepared for the inter- view and didn't prepare as well as I must, I'm an idiot who doesn't deserve a good job like this!"
Can
"I coul S
d h c
ave i
p e
racti n
ced ti
more f
to ic
win t
Thi ki
his tennis match but
didn't practice as much as I should have, and that proves that I'm a lazy slob who will never be very good at tennis or anything else!"
Find your shoulds, oughts, and musts that recently made you feel quite angry at someone about some event. For example:
"After I went out of my way to lend John money, he never paid it back, as he absolutely should have! What an irresponsible louse he is! He must not treat me that way!"
"I could have gone to the beach on Saturday, but foolishly waited until Sunday-when it rained. The weather should have continued to be good on Sunday. How horrible it was that it rained. I can't stand rain when I want to go to the beach!"
Assume that every time you really feel anxious, depressed, or angry you are not only strongly desiring but also commanding
that something go well and that you get what you want.
Cherchez le should, cherchez le must! Look for your should, look for your must! Don't give up until you find it. If you have trouble finding it, seek
the help of a friend, relative, or RET therapist who will help you find it. Persist!
CHAPTER 4
How to Think Scientifically About
Yourself, Other People, and Your Life
Conditions
Let us suppose that I have now sold you on using the scientific method to help yourself overcome your anxiety and to lead a happier existence. Now what? How can you specifically apply sci- ence to your relations with yourself, with others, and with the world around you?
Read on!
Science, as I pointed out in the previous chapter, is flexible and nondogmatic. It sticks to facts and to reality (which always can change) and to logical thinking (which does not contradict itself and
hold two opposite views at the same time). But it also avoids rigid ali-or-none and either/or thinking and sees that reality is often two- sided and includes contradictory events and characteristics.
Thus, in my relations with you, I am not a totally good person
or a bad person but a person who sometimes treats you well and sometimes treats you badly. Instead of viewing world events in a rigid, absolute way, science assumes that such events, and espe- cially human affairs, usually follow the laws of certainty.
The main rules of the scientific method are these:
\
\.>\,
1. We had better accept what is going on (WIGO) in the
worldl
,f·'-..
0-\
as "reality," even when we don't like it and are trying to change it.
\-•
tt
"'-·
We constantly observe and check "facts" to see whether they are 1
:\tv.\ G:<S-
''<'
still "true" or whether they have changed. We call our
! .
observing
:"'""' S'' v
\f;
and checking reality the empirical method of science.
_ o
..., " '
' " .-"
2. We state scientific laws, theories, and hypotheses in a logical,
· (..
/
consistent way and avoid important, basic contradictions (as well as
29
30 How to Think
Scientifically
false or unrealistic "facts"), We can change these theories when they are not supported by facts and by logic.
3. Science is flexible and nonrigid. It is skeptical of all ideas that hold that anything is absolutely, unconditionally, or certainly
true-that s, true under all conditions for all time. It willingly re- vises and changes its theories as new information arises.
4. Science does not uphold any theories or views which cannot be falsified in some manner. For example, the idea that invisible, al -powerful devils exist and cause all the evils in the world. It
doesn't claim that the supernatural does not exist, but since there is no way of proving that superhuman beings do or do not exist, it does not include them in the realm of science.
Our beliefs in super- natural things are important and can be scientifically investigated, and we can often find natural explanations for "supernatural" events. But it is unlikely that we can ever prove or disprove the "reality" of superhuman beings.
5. Science is skeptical that the universe includes
"deserving- ness" and "undeservingness" and that it deifies people (and things) for their "good" acts or damns them for their "bad" behavior. It Jloes n2!-h!!v any absolute, universal standard of"good" and "bad" benavior and assumes that if any group sees certain deeds as "good,. it will tend to (but doesn't have to) reward these who act that way and will often
(but not always) penalize those who act
•<1
u...ad
ly,.
s
6. In regard to human affairs and conduct, science again does not have any absolute rules, but once people establish a standard or goal-such as remaining alive and living happily in ocial groups-science can study what people are like, the conditions un- der which they live, and the ways in which they usually act; and it can to some extent judge whether they are meeting those goals and whether it might be wise to modify them or to establish other ways to achieve them. In regard to emotional health and happiness, once people decide their goals
and standards (which is not easy for them to do!), science can often help them achieve these aims. But it gives no guarantees!
Science can tell us how we probably-but not certainlycan
have a good life.
H these are some of the main rules of the scientific method, how can you follow them and thereby help yourself be emotionally healthier and happier?
31
How to Think Scientifical y
Answer: By taking your emotional upsets, and the irrational B liefs (iBs) that you mainly use to create them, and by using the scientific method to rip them up.
To show you how you can do this, let us take some common irrational commands and show how you can scientifical y examine them.
Irrational Belief: "Because I strongly prefer to do so, I must act competently."
Scientific Analysis:
Is this belief realistic and factual? Obviously not. Because I am a human with some degree of choice, I don't have to act competently
and can choose to act badly. Moreover, since I amfal ible, even if I
ii"'''•H(
chose always to act competently, I clearly have no way of realistical y doing so.
Is this belief logical? No, because my fal ibility contradicts the demand that I always must act competently. Also, it doesn't logically follow, from my strong preference to do so, that I have to do so.
Is this belief flexible and unrigid? No, it says that under all conditions and in al ways, I must act competently. It is therefore an unflexible, rigid belief.
Can this belief befalsified? In one way, yes. Because I can
prove that I do not have to behave competently at all times.
But the be-
lief that I must act competently implies that I am a supernatural 1
god whose desire for competence must always be fulfil ed and who
'
has the power to fulfill it. There may be no way to fully falsify this _, godlike command, because even if I at times act incompetently, I can claim that I deliberately did so for some special reason and that
I can always, if I will to do so, act competently. I can also say, "God's will be donel"-and that, as God, I don't have to explain
why I acted "incompetently."
Does this belief prove deservingness? No, this again is an idea that cannot, except by fiat, be proven or disproven. I can legitimately hold that because I am intelligent and because I try hard, I will usual y or probably act competently. But I cannot
show that because of my intelligence, my hard work, my
aliveness, my desire to succeed, or anything else, the universe undoubtedly owes me competence. That kind of obligation,
eservingness, or necess1
clearly doesn't exist-or else, once again, I would always be com- petent.
Does this belief show that I wil act wel and get good,
happy
32 How to Think
Scientifically
results by holding it? Definitely not. H I act competently all
the time, I may actually get bad results-because many people may be jealous of me, hate me, and try to harm me for being
so perfect. And if I rigidly believe that "because I strongly prefer to do so, I must act competently," I will at times see that I do not act as well as I presumably must, and will therefore tend
to hate myself and the world and make myself anxious and
depressed. So this idea won't work-unless I somehow manage
to always act quite competently!
Irrational Belief: "I have to be approved by people whom I find important, and it's awful and catastrophic if I am not!"
Scientific Analysis:
Is this belief realistic and factual? Clearly not, because there is no law of the universe that says that I have to be approved of by people whom I find important and there is a law of probability that says that many of the people I would prefer to approve of me definitely will not. It's not awful or
catastrophic when I am not ap- proved of, because only uncomfortable (but hardly dreadful) things will happen to me when I am not approved of. When something is
..awful" it is (a) exceptional y bad; (b) total y bad; or (c) more
cthan
bad. Being disapproved of by important people may not even be exceptionally but only moderately bad. It is certainly not totally
., \ bad-for it couJP always be worse. And it cannot be more than
!
·
bad, or 101percent ·bad. So this belief doesn't by any means t
conform to reality.
Is this belief logical? No, for just because I find certain people important it does not follow that they must approve of me. And even if I find it highly inconvenient when important people do not approve of me, it doesn't follow that my life will be catastrophic or if
1 awful. Indeed,
someone I like does not quickly like
me, I may
: 1 actually gain: for this person might first like me and later frustrate
.,...
'
i
/
'r, or leave me. !_,,_,., .,\
,_,.'.'.·.
.)' )'
- ·1 ....i\"':J
""'- ( .:.:.["'<'r
Is this beliij flexible and unrigid? Definitely not, because it
h s people whom I find important absolutely have to approve of o me. Quite inflexible!
l
Can this belief be falsified? Yes, because important people d can disapprove of me and I can still find life desirable. But it s also implies omniscience on my part, since I am commanding
that peo-
t ple whom I find important must under all conditions approve h of me; and even when they don't approve, I can view them as a approv- ing or contend that they really do approve, even t when the facts
under all conditions and at all time
How to Think Scientifically
33
show that they most probably don't. I can always claim that I
am omniscient and that I know people's secret thoughts and feelings; and this kind of belief is unfalsifiable.
Does this belief prove deservingness? No, I cannot prove that even if I act nicely to important people that there is a rule of the universe that they ought to and have to approve of me. Deservingness is another unfalsifiable belie£
Does this belief show that I will act well and get good,
happy results by holding it? On the contrary. No matter how hard I try to get people to approve of me, I can easily fail-and if I then think that they have to like me, I will most probably feel depressed. By holding the idea that at all times under all conditions people whom I find important must approve of me I will almost certainly fail to work effectively at getting their approval and also hate them, my self, and the world when they do not do what they supposedly must.
Irrational Belief: ..People have to treat me considerately and fairly, and when they don't they are rotten individuals who deserve
to be severely damned and
punished." Scientific Analysis:
It
Is this belief realistic and factual? No, it isn't.
commands
that
under all conditions and at all times other people have to treat me considerately and fairly. Obviously, they don't and the facts of life often prove that they won't. It is also not factual that they are rot.. ten individuals---for such people would be rotten to the core, would never do good or neutral acts, and would be eternally
doomed to act rottenly. No such totally rotten people seem to ex
ist. This belief also implies that people who treat me inconsider· ately and unfairly always deserve to be severely punished and that somehow their damnation and punishment
will be arranged. This is not what happens in reality.
Is this belief logical? No, because it implies that because people sometimes do treat me inconsiderately and unfairly, they are to tally rotten individuals and always deserve to be punished. Even if I can indubitably prove that, by usual human standards some pe ple treat me badly, I cannot prove that
therefore they are totally rotten and therefore always deserve
to be punished. Such conclu sions do not follow from my empirical observations that people treat me badly.
Is this belief flexible and unrigid? No, because it states and
34 How to Think
Scientifically
implies that in every single case all people who treat me inconsid- erately and unfairly are totally rotten and invariably
deserve to be severely damned and punished. No exceptions!
Can this belief befalsified? Part of it can be, because it holds that people who treat me badly and unjustly are totally rotten individu- als and it can be shown they often do some good and neutral acts. My belief in deservingness and damnation, however, cannot be falsified, because even if no one else in the world upheld me and believed it to be true, I could always claim that all the other people in the world were sadly mistaken, that my view of punishment and damnation is unquestionably the right one, and that punishment for those who treat me unfairly should exist, even when it doesn't. When people who wrong me are, in fact, not severely punished, I can always contend that there are special reasons why they have not been penalized so far, and that they indubitably will be in the future or in some afterlife.
Does this belief system prove deservingness? No, even if people treat me inconsiderately and unfairly, and even when they some- times are punished after they do so, I cannot prove that (I) they were punished because they treated me badly; (2) that some uni- versal fate or being dooms them to this punishment; or (3) that hereafter they (and other people like them) will always be damned and doomed for treating me (and others) unjustly. I will even have trouble proving that their acts against me indubitably are bad- because in some respects they may be "good" and because some others may not view them as "bad." The concept of deservingness for one's
"sins" implies that certain acts are unquestionably under all conditions ..sinful." And this is impossible to prove.
Does having this belief mean that I will act well and get
good, happy results by holding it? Not at all! If I strongly believe that people have to treat me considerately and fairly, that they are rot- ten individuals when they don't, and that they then deserve to be severely damned and punished, I will very likely bring on several unfortunate results: (I) I will feel very angry and vindictive, and will consequently stir up my nervous system and my body in a way that will often prove harmful to me. (2) I will be obsessed with the people who I think have done me in, and will spend enormous amounts of
time and energy thinking about them. (3) When I try to do something about people's unfair acts, I will tend to be so enraged that I will fight with them in a frantic manner, and will often
How to Think Scientifically
fail to convince them or stop them. Indeed, they are likely to see me as an overly enraged, and therefore unfair, person and to delib- erately resist acknowledging their wrongdoing.
They may even vindictively harm me further. (4) I will probably be unable to un· derstand why people treat me "wrongly,"
may unjustly or
paranoically accuse them of wrongs that they have not committed, and wil often interfere with my amicably and objectively dis- cussing with them and perhaps arranging for suitable compro- mises.
If you resort to scientifically questioning and challenging your own irrational Beliefs, as shown in the above examples, you will
tend to see that they are unrealistic, distinctly illogical, often
inflexible and rigid, they cannot be falsified, and are based on false concepts of universal deservingness. If you continue to hold these unrealistic and illogical notions, you will frequently-sabotage your own interests.
This kind of analysis and disputing of your irrational Beliefs (iBs) is one of the main methods of RET. If you continue to use it, you wil take advantage of the most powerful antidote to human misery that has so far been invented: scientific thinking.
Science will not absolutely guarantee that you can stubbornly refuse to make your- self miserable about anything. But it will greatly help!
RET Exercise No.3 \:_
Whenever you feel seriously upset (anxious, depressed, enraged, self-hating, or self-pitying), or are foolishly behaving against your own basic interest (avoiding what you had better do or addicted to acts that you'd better not do), assume that you are thinking unscientifically. Look for these common ways in which you (and practically all your friends and relatives) deny the rules of science: Unrealistic thinking that denies the
facts of life. Examples:
"If Iam nice to people, they will surely love me and treat mo w
ell."
"If Idon't pass this test, 111 never get through school and will end up as a bum or a bag lady."
Illogical and contradictory beliefs. Examples:
"Because I strongly want you to love me, you have to do so.,.
36 How to Think
Scientifwally
"When I fail at a job interview, that proves that I'm hopeless and will never get a good job."
"People must treat me fairly even when I am unkind and unjust to them."
Unprovable and unfalsifiable beliefs. Examples:
"Because I have harmed others, I am doomed to roast in hell and suffer for eternity."
<<I am a special person who will always come out on top no matter what I do."
"I have a magical ability to make people do what I want them to
d
o." "Because I strongly feel that you hate me, it is certain that you
d
o." Beliefs in deservingness or undeservingness. Examples:
"Because I am a good person, I deserve to succeed in life and fate will make sure that nice things will happen to me."
"Because I have not done as well as I could, I deserve to suffer and get nowhere in life.''
Assumptions that your strong beliefs (and the feelings that
go with them) will bring good results and lead to comfort and
happi ness. Examples:
"Because you treated me unfairly, as you should not have done, my making myself angry at you will make you treat me better and make me happier."
"If I thoroughly condemn myself for acting stupidly, that will make me act better in the future."
When you have discovered some of your unscientific beliefs with
which you are creating emotional problems and making yourself act against your own interests, use the scientific method to chal- lenge and dispute them. Ask yourself: Is this belief realistic? Is it opposed to the facts of life?
Is this belief logical? Is it contradictory to itself or to my other beliefs?
Can I prove this belief? Can I falsifY it? Is there any sense in my holding it if it is unfalsifiable?
Does this belief prove that the universe has a law of deservingness or undeservingness? If I act well, do I
completely deserve a good life, and if I act badly, do I totally deserve a bad existence?
37
How to Think Scientifically
If I continue to strongly hold the belief (and to have the feelings and do the acts which it often creates), will I perform well, get the results I want to get, and lead a happier life? Or will holding it tend to make me less happy?
Persist at using the scientific method of questioning and challenging your irrational Beliefs until you begin to give them up, increase your effectiveness, and enjoy yourself more.
CHAPTER
S Why the Usual Kinds of Insight Won't
Help You Overcome Your Emotional
Problems
Will insight into your emotional problems help you overcome them? It may help-providing it is not conventional or psychoana- lytic insight.
Conventional insight will help you very little. For it says that your knowledge of exactly how you got disturbed will make you less neurotic. Drivel! It will often help make you become nuttier!
Suppose, for example, that your parents insisted that you make a million dollars, else you are a slob. Suppose you have actually made little money and you now "therefore" feel worthless. Your wonderful "insight" about the "origin" of your self-hatred may only push you to loathe your parents. Or to hate yourself more for lis- tening to them! Or to think that they were right-that you should have made a million dollars and are a turd for not following their great teachings.
Insight, even when it is correct, doesn't automatically make you better, though-if you use it correctly-it may help. And it can easily-very easily!-be false. For even if you did take your self- ·
hating idea from your parents, we still had better ask: Why
did you accept these ideas? What are you now doing to carry them on? How do we know that if your parents taught you to always accept yourself, you still wouldn't have concluded that you must make a million dollars to be worthwhile?
In other words, conventional "insight" is• usually dubious and hardly tells you what factors really caused your disturbance. Nor what you can do to overcome it.
31:}
40 Usual Kinds of Insight Won't Help
You
Psychoanalytic insight is worse. Because it is based on many dif- ferent and contradictory guesses-and they cannot possibly all be true. Thus, if you now believe that you absolutely must make a mil- lion dol ars to accept yourself, different analysts will try to convince you that you believe this because:
1. Your mother gave you pleasurable enemas and you are there- fore ..anally fixated" and are obsessed with money.
2. You unconsciously think that a bag of money represents your genitals and therefore your obsession with money really means that you want promiscuous sex.
3. Your father was cruel to you, so now you have to win his love and think you can do so only by making a million dollars.
4. You hate your father and want to shame him by making more money than he made.
5. You have a small penis or bosom and have to make lots of money to compensate for it.
6. Your unconscious views money as power and you really are obsessed with gaining power, not money.
7. Your great-grandfather was a pauper and you now have tore-move the family shame about this by becoming a
millionaire.
Et cetera, et cetera. 1
All these psychoanalytic interpretations-and a thousand similar ones-are possible, but none of them is very plausible. 2
And even if one of these "insights" were true, how would knowing it help you change your obsession about making money?
H, for example, you truly think you have to win your father's love and that you can only do so by making a million dollars, how does
that knowledge make you surrender your dire need for his ap- proval? To change, you still would have to dispute that idea and to act against it. And psychoanalysis helps you do nothing like this- and encourages you (and your analyst) to keep looking for more
brilliant
"true"
interpretations.
Conventional and psychoanalytic "insights," then, are not enough-or are too much. They frequently block scientific think-
ing and prevent aCtive change. Does RET therefore ignore insight?
Not at all! It uses-and teaches-several kinds of
unconventional
41
Usual Kinds of Insight Won't Help You
insight
that
help
you
understand
your emotional
problems, and
what you can
specifically to
do
uproot them.
In RET terms,
insight first
means
understanding
who you are.
Actual y, you are
a human being
who
various
has
likes and dislikes
and who many
does
acts to get more
of what you like
and less of what
you dislike. So
RET helps you
explore
your
likes
and
dislikes
and
what you can
do to achieve
the former and
avoid the latter.
RET,
then,
helps you not
only
to
understand
what you "are"
but to
what
change
you harmful y
think, feel, and
do. It accepts
your
desires,
wishes,
preferences,
goals,
and
values,
and
tries to help
you
achieve
them. But RET
shows you how
to
separate
your
from
pref erences
your
thus
insistencesand
keep
from
sabotaging
your own goals.
It gives you
insight
into
what you are
now
doing
rather
than
into what you
(and
your
damned
parents!) have
done.
Annabel, one
of my clients
who cherished
her
perfectionism
be· cause she
felt
that
it
made her a
fine writer and
an
excellent
mother,
was
having a hard
time with some
of David Bums's
teach- ings
against
perfectionism
in his book, Feeling Good.
Dr. Bums, she
thought, told
her to give up
all ideal goals
and stick only
to realistic and
average ones.
Then
she
couldn't
be
disappointed or
depressed.
"But if I don't
strive for ideal
goals, I will never
achieve half the
good things
I do achieve,"
she
said.
"How about
that?"
"True,"
I
replied,
"you
and
many
outstanding
inventors and
writers
have
striven for the
ideal and have
thereby helped
yourself
do
remarkably
wel .
RET,
therefore, does
not
oppose
competition or
striving
for
outstanding
achievement. It
advocates
taskperfection, but
not
self-
perfection."
"What does
that mean?"
"It means that
you can try to
be as good, or
even as perfect,
as you can-at
any
or You
project
task.
can try to make
ideal. But are
it
you
not a good
person if
is
it
perfect. You are
still a person who
completed
a
perfect project,
but never a good person
for doing so."
"How, then,
do I become
an
incompetent
or had
person?" "You
don't! When
you do
incompetent
or evil you
acts,
become
a
a
person who acted badlynever
bad person."
"But why, then,
should strive for
I
perfection-or
even for good
ac
hie
ve
me
nts
?"
42
Usual Kinds of Insight Won't Help You
"Because you presumably find them, the achievements, desir- able. And if your achievements are outstanding or ideal, you will find them more desirable-more enjoyable. But your achieve- ments, no matter how good, never make you a totally good per son."
"But isn't Bums right about my being disappointed if I try for the ideal and don't reach it?"
''Yes-disappointed, but not self-hating if you use
RET." ''And how do I do that?"
''By not giving up your preference for perfect motherhood or perfect writing, but eliminating your demands, or musts. As long as you tell yourself, 'I really would like to write a perfect novel-but I don't have to,' you'll retain your task-perfectionism but not your self-perfectionism."
"So the crucial difference is the must. I can strive for perfectionism in my writing as long as I don't think I must achieve it and do not view myself as a sleazy writer and a rotten person if I don't." .Exactly!"
Annabel continued to work hard at perfecting her mothering and her writing. But she overcame the anxiety that drove her to ther- apy by changing her perfectionist musts back to
preferences.
RET at times deals with your past-for if you are disturbed, you most likely had crooked thinking then as well as now. But it mainly shows what you did and what you thought in your early years-and spends little time on what your dear parents and others did to you. It especially shows you how you are now
thinking, feeling, and acting-and how to change your weaknesses.
Insight, then, can help you see exactly how you are sabotaging yourself and what you can do to change. RET-which uses philoso- phy more than most other forms of therapy-stresses many differ-
ent kinds of self-understanding. The following chapters will de- scribe many insights that RET teaches and how you can use
them in your efforts to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about practically anything.
RET Exercise No.4
Tr
y to remember some of the worst incidents that took place dur- ing your childhood. How about the time your mother bawled you
43
Usual Kinds of Insight Won't Help You
out in front of several of your friends? Or the time you were called upon to recite in class and were so panicked that you couldn't say anything and the whole class laughed at you. Or the time when your skirt or pants were hung too low and half of your behind was sticking out for everyone to see. Or the occasion when you told an- other child how much you really liked him or her and got only a cold or negative response.
Do you remember that very "traumatic" event or events?
Do
you still think that it greatly influenced the rest of your life?
Well, it really didn't! Not if you think about it carefully.
First of all, try to remember--or to figure out-what you told yourself to make this past event so "traumatic" and
"hurtful."
When your mother bawled you out in front of your friends, weren't you telling yourself that she shouldn't have done that and that you couldn't stand your friends' knowing something negative about you? When you were panicked about reciting in class, weren't you thinking, "I must answer my teacher well.
Isn't it awful when I do poorly-and when the other kids laugh at mel" When you neg- lected to hitch up your skirt or pants and your behind was showing, weren't you telling yourself,
"How shameful to be so careless about my clothing! I must not behave so foolishly!"
Track down-as you definitely can-the irrational Beliefs that
made you feel hurt and upset when you were young. Then also look for the self-defeating ideas that you have kept repeating to yourself since that time and that have made you keep this
"traumatic" inci- dent alive.
Such as: "My own mother knew I was no good and that's why she
kept criticizing me. She was right!" "I still can't recite well in front of people. How terrible!" "Because I dressed so sloppily as a child, everyone could see what a slob I was. And I still haven't improved, as I should. I am a fool who deserves to have others laugh at mel" Use your knowledge of RET, and ofhow you upset
yourself with your musts and commands, to understand exactly how you upset yourself during your childhood and how you are still preserving
your upset feelings
today.
CHAPTE
R 6
Insight No. 1: Making Yourself Fully
Aware of Your Appropriate and
Inappropriate Feelings
Insight is another name for awareness. Awareness is a first step to- ward ridding yourself of misery. The more you are keenly aware of your misery-creating thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, the greater your chances are of ridding yourself of them.
Let us-as we usually do in RET-start with your
miserable feelings. Ho w can you be aware of what you feel-and how appro- priate your feelings are?
The first part of this question is fairly easy to answer: You know how you feel by merely asking yourself, "How do I feel?"
You sometimes may, of course, be defensive. You may deny that you feel anxious or angry because you are ashamed to admit such
"wrong"
feelings.
Usually, however, you won't. If you are severely anxious or depressed, you will tend to feel so uncomfortable that you will freely admit-at least to yourself1-that you have these miserable feel- ings. Such misery is easy to feel-and to acknowledge.
But how appropriate are your uncomfortable emotions?
Oh, that's a much harder question to answer. But RET gives you a
pretty good key. For it is the one system of
psychotherapy that
learly distinguishes between appropriate and inappropriate feel-·
mgs.
How? By stressing Insight No. 1: You create both appropriate
and inappropriate feelings when your goals and desires
are blocked.
You can-and had better-learn how to clearly distinguish be-
45
6
In
tween these self-i s
ndu i
ce g
htd emotional reactions. Most other therapies-such as the behavior therapy of Joseph Wolpe and the cognitive the rapies o
f Richard Lazarus, Aaron
Beck, and Donald Meichenbaum-emphasize strong feelings, like severe sadness and irritation, and put them into the same category as feelings of depression and anger. 1
Not so RET!
RET considers your strong feelings of sa.dness, irritation, and concern healthy, because they help you to express your displea- undesirable happenings and to work at modifying them. But RET defines your feelings of depression, anger, and anxiety as (almost always) harmful, because they stem from your unrealistic commands that unpleasant events absolutely
must not exist, and because they usually interfere with your changing these events when they do exist.
Unlike most other therapies, therefore, RET shows you not only
how to get in touch with your negative (and your positive) feelings, but also how to be aware of-to have insight into-whether they are appropriate or inappropriate. It
encourages you to feel your feelings-and also to weigh how desirable they are. Do you really want to feel them? And what good or bad results do they get you?
Thus, if you feel concerned about losing your job, you will try to
be on time, to work hard, and to cooperate with your boss and your associates. If, however, you are overconcernedor
severely worried-about losing it, you will tend to be obsessed with it, take
away time and energy from doing it, and lose confidence that you
can
perform
it
adequately.
Result? No damned job! Or a job and an ulcer. Or great misery while working.
Again: Ifyou are disappointed and regretful about being rejected by a love partner, you will try to discover why you were abandoned, to win back that person's love, or to attempt to mate with a
6
mo
re suitable partner. But I
if n
sig
hty ou are angry at your rejector, you will probably antagonize him or her and remain an enemy instead of a friend. And if you are depressed about being rejected, you will tend to withdr
aw completely and see
yourself as quite unlovable.
Your feelings of disappointment and regret, then, are usually
ap propriate feelings that help you withstand undesirable events and strive for a happier future. Panic, depression, and rage, on the other hand, are inappropriate feelings that interfere with your cop-
Making Yourself Ful y Aware
47
ing and block your improving of your
life.
How about mild or moderate anxiety or anger? Don't those
feel- ings spur you to act against life's hassles? Aren't they
therefore beneficial?
Not exactly.
Almost any negative feeling occasionally can be useful. Extreme panic may energize you to outrun a forest fire. Intense rage may help you fight against an unfair bureaucracy.
May! But they probably won't!
Extreme panic wil usual y disorganize and freeze you so that you won't efficiently escape from the fire. Intense rage will nor mal y make you stew instead of do when you encounter unfairness; and ifyou act while enraged you will often fight foolishly and badly.
You have, moreover, better choices. You can choose to be strongly concerned rather than grippingly panicked about escaping from a fire and you can decide to be greatly displeased
and deter mined to act against unfairness.
With, most probably, better results! And with, almost certainly, less dreadful wear on your system!
RET holds that you can choose between great concern about your safety or panic or horror about it. And RET contends that you can decide to be strongly displeased about and
determined to change injustice or rashly infuriated about it.
And you'd better be concerned about unpleasant
happenings. For your feelings of concern, caution, care, and vigilance help keep you safe and satisfied; while your feelings of overconcern, anxiety, panic, and horror help keep you insecure and dissatisfied. Simi- larly, when you are treated unfairly or badly, you can choose to feel appropriately displeased, sorry, frustrated, and determined to change the unfair situation. Or you can choose to feel inappropriately angry, enraged, furious, and homicidal-and consequently
whining
and
inactive.
Can you clearly distinguish between inappropriate and appropriate feelings? Not always, since your emotions are rarely pure and
often include appropriate and inappropriate elemenh. At one and the same time, you can be rationally concerned
about escapin from a fire and irrationally overconcerned or panicked about escaping. Where does the first feeling end and the second one be- gin?
RET has an answer. It holds that when you are appropriately
Insight
8
concerned about any danger, you are sensibly desiring, wishing,
or preferring to avoid it. But when you are overt'<mcerned, panicked, or horrified about the same danger, you are still desiring but also insisting that you absolutely mustyes, have
to-avoid it. You le gitimately and wisely desire to avoid danger. Because why should you not want what you want and why should you not prefer to avoid what you don't want?
No reason!
But your dogmatic command that you always must get what you desire is illegitimate and self-defeating-because the universe clearly does not owe you your heart's desire. And you will interfere with getting your preferences by fanatically demanding that they have to be fulfilled.
I have said that RET is more philosophic than other systems of psychotherapy. Now perhaps you can see how it is. When you are disturbed, RET's Insight No. 1holds that you have both appropriate and inappropriate emotions. Usually (not always!) you can dis- tinguish between the two by looking for the cognitions-the Jhoughts-that accompany them.
Your appropriate feelings arise from thoughts that express your preferences-such as, "I strongly want to avoid this fire but I don't have to escape and live happily ever after." And: "I abhor injustice and am determined to fight against it."
Inappropriate feelings stem from commanding, dictatorial,
thoughts-such as, "I absolutely must avoid this fire because the universe ordains that I have to live and be happy!" And:
"I hate everyone who acts unjustly! They absolutely must not
behave that way! At all costs, I have to stop them and make them see that they must always treat me fillrly!"
Insight No. 1 of RET, once again, states: "You create both
ap propriate and inappropriate feelings when your goals and desires are blocked; and you can, and had better, learn how to clearly dis- tinguish between these two self-created emotional reactions." By using the ABCs of RET-which are outlined in the next chapter--.
you can learn how to do
this.
RET Exercise No.5
Insight
9
Co
back to the end of Chapter 2 and once again do the RET
exer- cise that gives you practice in distinguishing between your appro-
49
Making Yourself Fully Aware
priate and inappropriate negative feelings. Also try to see the dif- ference between some of your appropriate and inappropriate positive feelings.
Imagine, for example, that you are performing something re- markably well-for example, playing tennis, or acting, or writing, or painting, or running a business in an outstanding manner. Let yourself feel very happy about this
accomplishment.
Now observe your happy feeling. Is it only a feeling of being happy and pleased about it, your performance? Or do you also-be honest now!-feel great about you, about
yourself, about your
whole being? Do you feel like a great persona noble, godlike, almost
superhuman
individual?
If you do feel like a noble, superhuman, holier-than-thou per
son, you are then, according to RET, experiencing an inappropri- ate positive feeling. For you are then in a grandiose, egotistical state and have raised yourself above other humans. You have
jumped from the idea th at "My behavior is outstanding" to "I am\
therefore an outstanding, great person!"
,..\
This is dangerous. Because when you don't perform remarkably well the next time, back to slobhood you will go! And even when you do perform well, you will be anxious about not doing so next time. So you had better like your fine perfonnancebut
not deify yourself for doing it.
When you do feel like a godlike, noble person, look for your
shoulds and musts. Such as: "I have just done as well as I have
to do. Good. My success makes me a fine, worthy individual."
And: "Now that I have done this thing so well, people will see me as a marvelous person. I need them to see me in that light in order to accept myself and be happy with my life."
When you feel inappropriately bad or great, make a list of the disadvantages of having these feelings. You will find it easy to list
the disadvantages of negative feelings, like those of depression, guilt or self-hatred. But your positive
inappropriate feelings also have distinct disadvantages. Thus, when you feel like a great and superior person, here is a checklist of disadvantages which these
feelings may bring
you.
-Unrealistically assuming that you will always continue to per- form well.
-Acting in an egotistical, arrogant, and obnoxious manner to others.
Insight
-Thinking that you are so great that you do not have to bother to work at performing well in the future.
-Being anxious about later falling on your face and greatly disappointing others who admire
you. -Maintaining and increasing your belief that you have
to do
well and that it is terrible if you
don't.
-Making too much of the tasks at which you do well and ne- glecting other aspects of your life.
-Becoming so absorbed in your own ego that you lose your feel- ings for and understanding of others and ruin your human relation- ships.
-Striving so hard to continue to perform well that you put your- self under great stress and possibly interfere with your mental and physical health.
Ask yourself whether you are bringing on any of these-or other- disadvantages by making yourself feel inappropriate positive (or negative) feelings. Ifso, look again for the demands and commands with which you are creating these self-defeating feelings and work at disputing them and giving them up.
C
HA
PT
ER
7
Insight No. 2: You Control Your
Emotional Destiny
Many modern therapies-particularly psychoanalysis-let people cop out on their responsibility for their own neuroses.
Not RET. Over a decade ago, Psychology Today titled it, ·1he No-Cop-Out Therapy"-which indeed it is.1
Not that RET (like some extreme cults) says that you are total y
responsible for your upsets. You aren't. As noted before, you are influenced by your biology and your learning, which also help you to become disturbed. Nonethelessl-you will, to some
degree, control your emotional destiny. To some extent you choose how of- ten and how intensely you upset your own emotional applecart. For you listen to your parents and
teachers. You carry on their nonsense. You choose to indulge
in your panic and despair--even when you sometimes know how to stop these feelings.
Yesyou.
Which is quite fortunate. For ifemotional problems simply over- whelmed you, if outside conditions really made you as neurotic as
you are, what could you do to help yourself be undisturbed?
Damned little!
But ifyou, no one but you, mainly create your nervous destiny, you most likely can change this destiny. Whatever you
choose to
do, you can also refuse to do. Whatever you choose to think and
feel, you can also refuse to think and feel. This is RET's Insight No.
2: You largely (not completely) create your own disturbed
thoughts and feelings; and therefore you have the power to
control and change them. Providing that you accept this insight
and work hard at using it/
51
In
sig
Let me outline the fa
h
mous A t
BC
s of
RET. A stands for Activating
Event-which is usually some happening that blocks or frustrates your important goals, desires, or preferences. For example: you want a job and you fail the interview and get rejected. A (Activating Event) is your failure and your rejection.
Please note! In RET, we start the ABCs of emotional disturbance with your goals, purposes, desires, and values. You enter these ABCs with (conscious and unconscious) Goals (G).
What, usually, are your main goals, about which you sometimes make yourself miserable?
They are, first, that you stay alive and, second, that you be
satisfied or happy. Once you are born, you have strong biological tendencies to want to remain alive and to strive for contentment. If you didn't have the wish to survive, you rarely would. And if you didn't have the desire-the Goal-<>f being happy, you would probably not want to keep living. So your Goals of surviving and being happy while you are alive are inborn tendencies and help perpetuate you and your species.
How do you want to be happy or satisfied? In many ways, espe- cially these:
When you are by yourself,
alone. When you are with other
people.
When you are intimately involved with a few special people.
When you are doing well in business or a career and are earning a good living.
When you are involved in art, science, sports, or other recrea- tions and creative acts.
Once you desire to survive and be happy, you bring these Goals to the ABCs of human living. You go to A (Activating Events) wishing, preferring to get your Goals fulfilled; and when you feel miserable and act foolishly (at point C, Consequences of A and B), your Goals are usually being blocked at A. So now we have:
In
G-your Goal of gettin si
g wh g
htat you want (especially, success and approval).
You Control Your Emotional Destiny
53
A-the Activating Events that block your Goal (especially, failure and rejection).
C-the Consequences ofG and A (especially, feelings of anxiety and depression and self-defeating behaviors, like
withdrawal and addiction).
Whenever your Goals (Gs) are thwarted by unfortunate Activating Events (As) and whenever you feel disturbed at Consequences (Cs), you tend to falsely blame Con A. Thus, you say,
"Because I failed and got rejected at A and because I then felt depressed at C, A causes C. Failure and rejection make me
depressed!"
Wrong!
False!
Mistaken
! A (failure or rejection that blocks your Goals) contributes to
but never really causes C.
Why?
Because, obviously, if a hundred people with the same Goal (say, desire to obtain a job) all were blocked at A (got rejected), would they all feel equal y depressed at C?
Obviously not.
Some would feel very depressed and suicidal. Some would feel disappointed and sorry but not really depressed. Some would feel relaxed or indifferent. A few would even feel happy. Why? Be- cause these few would conclude that the job they wanted was really unpleasant. Or that they would rather be unemployed than be working.
So, you see, Activating Events (As) do not directly cause disturbed Consequences (Cs) in your gut-though they may contrib- ute to these feelings.
This is not a new discovery of RET. Many philosophers have pointed this out-especially the Greek and Roman stoics, almost 2,500 years ago. One of their outstanding thinkers, Epictetus, put
it very clearly in the first century A. D.: "People are disturbed not
by things, but by the views they take of them." And Shakespeare restated this idea in Hamlet: "There's nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."
So RET's view of the ABCs of emotional disturbance has an hon-orable history. Not that RET-as you will see later-is pure stoi-
In
cism. It isn't! But it agr sig
ht
ees wit
How can you prevent
h Epictetus: You largely (not
en tirely) create your own misery. And you can choose not to do so.
and undo your upsetness? By
gaining in-
sight into the Bs in the ABCs of RET.
What are these Bs?
The Bs of RET are Beliefs. You can also call them cognitions, thoughts, views, opinions, values, meanings, attitudes, ideas, ex- pectations, and philosophies. RET calls them Beliefs because they do appear to be beliefs. Other therapies use other names. But in this book we shall mainly use the term Beliefs.
You can be aware or unaware, conscious or unconscious of your Beliefs. You can express them in words, images, fantasies, sym- bols, and various other ways. If you would clearly understand and use them to change yourself, you had better state them consciously and verbally. But you can undo your misery-creating ideas in other ways, too. In fact, one of the virtues of RET is that it shows you many ways of changing your Beliefs-as I shall emphasize in this book.
When you needlessly make yourself miserable, you use two
main kinds of
Beliefs:
1. Rational Beliefs (rBs). Your rBs are thoughts that help you feel appropriately and behave effectively-that enable you to get more of what you want and less of what you don't want.
They in- clude "cool" thoughts or calm descriptions of what is going on (WIGO) in your life. For example: "This job interviewer is frowning at me and may not favor me for this job.'' This is a "cool" thought because it tells you what the interviewer is doing but not how you rate or evaluate his or her act.
You can understand your feelings better if you look for the
"warm" thoughts that you include in your rational Beliefs (rBs). For example: "Because I would like to get this job, I dislike this interviewer's frowning at me and wish he would stop frowning and instead beam at me." With these "warm"
thoughts you express your desires, wishes, preferences, and
In
dislikes. They rate or ev sig
ht
alu tzte
based on
what is occurring in terms of
your basic Goals (G).
"Warm" rational Beliefs are also undogmatic and are
probability instead of certainty. For example: "There is a good chance that I would like this job if I get it, but I actually may not. And even if I would like it very much, I don't have to
get it or keep
55
You Control Your Emotional Destiny
it-though it would be very nice if I
did!"
2. Irrational Beliefs (iBs). Your iBs are thoughts that help you feel inappropriately and behave ineffectively-that interfere with
your getting more of what you want and less of what you don't want. They start with "cool" thoughts ("This job interviewer seems to dislike me") as well as "warm" thoughts ("I wish he would like me and I hate his disliking me and keeping me from this job"). But they also include "hot" thoughts that strongly rate what is going on and are absolutist, dogmatic, and commanding. For example: "No matter what, I must have this interviewer like me and give me this job! If he doesn't, it's
awful! I can't stand it! If I lose this job that proves that I am an incompetent, worthless person who will neve : be able to get and keep a good position!"
Note well RET does not hold that aU emotional disturbance stems from iBs, because it may have other important causes.
Nor does it claim that al irrational Beliefs lead to disturbance, because (as John Dewey once said) many of them don't. You may irration- al y believe, for example, that al women are crazy, that eating tur- tles wil cure warts, and that two and two equal five, and you may not feel miserable. You will probably act inefficiently if you believe these (and a hundred other) irrational Beliefs. But you may or may not disturb yourself by holding them. '
RET merely-and uniquely-contends that when you rigidly hold certain irrational Beliefs-when you dogmatically command that you must do well, have to be approved by others, have got to have people treat you fairly, and always
ought to live with easy and enjoyable conditions-when you stoutly hold these iBs, you will tend to make yourself needlessly miserable and will probably de- feat some of your most cherished goals.
RET further states that when you hold irrational Beliefs (iBs), you consciously or unconsciously choose these absolutist shoulds, oughts, and musts-and therefore you have the ability
to con- sciously explore and change them. Let me therefore repeat Insight No.2:
You largely (not completely) create and control your own dis
you
turbed thoughts and feelings; and therefore
have the power to radically change them. Providing that you
accept this insight and
UXJrk
hard
at
using it!
56 Insight
No. 2
More specifical y: You can undo your misery if you work at finding and surrendering your irrational Beliefs.
George, who had heard that RET deals with irrational Beliefs, came to see me because he "irrationally" lusted after almost every
woman under forty that he met. George was
twenty-five.
I soon showed George that he mainly had a strong preference
for sex with many women.._but that was hardly irrational, as long as it
was only that, a preference. His rational Belief (rB) was: "I like sex very much and I wish I could have it with most of the women I meet."
His main irrational Belief (iB) was, "I must not have such a strong sex preference! I should always be more selective in my lusting-and only want to go to bed with women whom I really like."
"Why is this belief irrational?" George asked me when he ac- knowledged having it.
"Because," I answered, "it's a command rather than a desire. You can rationally prefer to have less desire--even to be without any lust. But once you say to yourself, 'I must not desire! I must not
lust!' you will become obsessed with your desire-and probably ex· perience it more intensely. Moreover, you will not be able to plot and scheme how to diminish it. So your
determination to be less lustful may be okay. But your absolute
necessity to be less lustful will get you into trouble. It will tend to make you anxious and guilty."
"It does!" George exclaimed.
"So you'd better see what your irrational Belief really is," I pointed out.
"You mean," said George, "I have an irrational Belief about a
rational Belief-about my strong preference for sex. Is that right?" "Very well put! In RET terms, you have an rB about an iB. Now
if we can help you to give up your irrational Belief that you
must not be lustful, you will still have the rational Belief that sex can be very enjoyable, and will probably be able to engage in more sex-
and
enjoy
it
thoroughly!"
"I see!" said George.
But although it was easy for him, with my help, to see the difference between his rB and his iB, he at first had trouble eliminating the latter. For he correctly asked himself, at D
(Disputing of irra- tional Beliefs), "Why must I not lust after many women? Why is it wrong for me to do so?" And he correctly answered, "It's okay for
You Control Your Errwtional Destiny
57
me to have strong sex drives. Therefore, I'm okay as a person." This was a wrong answer because he soon went back to thinking: "But suppose it is wrong for me to be so sexy? Other men aren't as hungry as I am. So maybe I'm abnormal in that respect. And if I
am, that makes me a pretty lousy
person!"
When George came up with this answer-and still
remained anxious and guilty-! showed him that he had a highly inelegant solution to his guilt problem and that a more elegant RET solution would be for him .first to show himself that his preference, "I would
like to have sex with many women," was rational. But second, he had better also understand that even if his sex desires were un- usual, and if too much indulgence in them was irrational, that would only mean that he was a person who had
"abnormal" desires but not an "abnormal" or lousy person.
For RET shows people how to stop damning and to fully accept themselves even when some of their acts are stupid, wrong, or immoral.
Anyway, when George saw the difference between his rational and irrational Beliefs and when he kept working to surrender the latter, he finally became unanxious and unguilty about his strong sex drives. And one time, when he foolishly spent several weeks compulsively having sex with several women while sadly ne- glecting his retail business, he was able to conclude that his behav- ior was stupid and self-defeating but that he was not a stupid, rot ten person. After that, he was able to handle his promiscuous desires more reasonably.
By understanding-and working at-Insight No. 2, George was
able to control his emotional destiny. And sometimes to feel sorry
but
not
depressed.
RE
T Exercise No.
6
Try to remember a recent time in which you felt anxious about something-such as feeling anxious or panicked about taking a test, playing in an important game, or asking for a promotion or a raise at work. Assume that you created this anxious feeling by thinking
(1) a rational Belief (rB) or preference, and (2) an irrational Belief
(iB)
or strong
demand.
Example of your rB or preference: "I would very much like to pass this test, but if I don't I can try to pass it later. And if I never
pass it, I still can live and be
happy."
58 Insight
No. 2
Example of your iB or demand: "I have to pass this test, and if I don't I'll be a truly stupid person who will never be able to get what I really want."
Think, now, of a recent time when you felt depressed about a failure or a rejection. Assume, again, that you created this de- pressed feeling by telling yourself rational Beliefs (rBs) and irra- tional Beliefs (iBs). Find them!
Example of your rB or preference: "I strongly wanted to win that
game but I can accept losing it and learn to play better next time. I can also enjoy playing even if I lose many games."
Example of your iB or demand: "I absolutely ought to have won
that game and because Ilost itIam a thoroughly rotten player and an incompetent person."
Think of a time when you became angry or enraged. Assume, once again, that you made yourself angry by holding both a rational Belief(rb) or preference and an irrational Belief(iB) or
godlike com mand.
Example of your rB or preference: "I would have very much liked my boss seeing that Ideserved a raise and giving me a good
one. Since he didn't, he unfortunately doesn't appreciate my work
and that's too bad, but hardly the end of the
world."
Example of your iB or godlike command: "Because Iam a good
worker, my boss absolutely should have appreciated me and given me a good raise. Since he didn't, he's no damned good and deserves to lose his rotten
business!"
Keep looking for and persist until you find your rational Beliefs (rBs) and irrational Beliefs (iBs) whenever you feel really anxious, depressed, enraged, self-downing, and self-pitying. Try to see that your rBs just about always express your preferences and distastes-what you want and don't want-and that your iBs express your unconditional musts, shoulds, and oughts-your god- like demands and commands on yourself, or others, and on
the uni- verse. Practice seeing this difference many times until you easily and automatically tend to clearly see it. Work at fully accepting the reality that however legitimate and appropriate your goals and wishes are, they are hardly the same as your dogmatic and needless demands.
C
HA
PT
ER
S Insight No. 3: The Tyranny of the
Shoulds
What main specific irrational Beliefs (iBs) do you use to upset your- self? You probably adopt and invent many of them, as we shall keep revealing in this book.
Your most important irrational pathway is musturbation-<>r your devoutly following of what Karen Horney called "the tyranny of the shoulds. "1
Following Horney's lead, we arrive at Insight No.3: You
mainly make yourself needlessly and neurotically miserable by
jfrongly holding absolutist irrational Beliefs (iBs), especially
br; rigidly believing unconditional shoulds, oughts, and musts.
How do you acquire or invent your destructive
musts? Very easily!
As a human, you are first of all born suggestible-gullible-to the commandments of your parents and your culture. Worse yet, you have your own genius for inventing rules and regulations that you rigidly believe that you (and others) have
to follow.
You, like virtually all humans, are a natural-born reasoner and problem solver. But you are also a master of rationalization, self- delusion, and bigotry.
You think straightly-and crookedly. In fact, you are sane enough to keep yourself alive and happy-and you are crazy
enough to be very irrational, illogical, and inconsistent. As the long history of humanity clearly shows!2
You so easily think foolishly that your thoughts often bring on emotional problems. I described twelve major irrational beliefs in
my first paper on Rational-Emotive Therapy (RET) that I gave in
59
60 Insight No.
3 1956 at the
American
Psychological
Association's
Annual Conven4
tio
n in
Chic
ago
.3
Psychologists
soon became
so enthusiastic
about
these
irrational
Beliefs
(iBs)
that
they
devised several
tests
of
irrationality
and have now
published
hundreds
of
studies
using
these
texts.
Over
ninety
percent
of
these studies
support
the
RET theory that
emotionally
disturbed
people
subscribe
to
more irrational
ideas than do
less disturbed
individuals.•
Fol owing my
lead, a number
of other
therapists
created tests of
crooked
thinking (such
as the Beck
Depression
Inventory)
which have
been used in
hundreds of
research
studies. Again,
the results
almost always
show that
disturbed
people
subscribe to
more
unrealistic and
dogmatic
thoughts than
do less upset
individuals. This
5
widespread
interest in
irrational ideas
has had some
bad as well as
good results.
For humans
create many
kinds-perhaps
hundreds-{)£
irrationalities,
which tend to
influence their
feelings and
make them act
inefficiently.
But not all of
these
irrationalities,
by any
means,
lead to
neurosi
s. you believe
H
that you are a
good poker
player when you
really
are not, you wil
probably
foolishly
risk
playing
with
good
players-
and wil often
lose.
H,
however,
you
irrational y
believe that you
be a great
must
poker
player
and that you have to
continu·
al y
show
others
how good you
are, you then
probably
wil
compul- sively
gamble, and
keep gambling
even when you
steadily lose.
Mter
I
described the
first
twelve
basic iBs of RET
in 1956, I con-
tinued
to
explore
my
clients'
irrationalities.
To my surprise,
I dis- covered
that I could
condense my
original list into
three main iBs-
and that these
were
all
musts
instead of preferences.
The three basic
that create
musts
emotional
problems are:
must
1. "I
perform well
and/or win
the approval
of important
am an
I : peopl ie
nadequ
at o
e per
rso
n!" e
lse
: 2. must
"You
tre
an at
d me fairly
considerately
an
ef
r l rsu
io e s
ntte a
divni r
d e a
y tr
ou
ate me or
l
d not unduly
1
ual!"
3. "My life
·
conditions must
give me the
things I want
and have
have to keep
: to
m
eles f
e rois
life
m harm or
u can'tn bearable and I
be happy at
l
a ll!" I boiled down
As
the previous
irrational ideas I
had discovered
The Tyranny of the Shoulds
61
into these three major musts, I also found that my clients' other \
upsetting beliefs were not independent but were consciously or i
unconsciously derived from their musts.
Take, for example, one of the most popular iBs, which I have named awfulizing or horribleizing: "It's awful if I fail at this impor- tant task and it's horrible if people reject me for failing." This is a crazy idea, because although it may be highly unfortu
nate for you to fail and very inconvenient for you to be rejected, when you call failure and rejection awful and
horrible you view them as more than bad or 101 percent inconvenient-which of
course, they cannot be. They aren't even 100 percent bad-
,
because they could even be worse. When you overgeneralize and -·::- 4-
· go beyond reality in this way, you will make yourself feel panicked .. 1
< v .,
and depressed (instead of appropriately sorry and frustrated) if you _ '
Jt. '"t ''.]
fail and get
rejected.
Now why does a bright person like you resort to this kind of silly, unrealistic
awfulizing?
Mainly, I contend, because you start with a conscious or uncon- scious must and then you easily and "logically" derive your awfulizing from it. Thus, you start with "I absolutely must
perform this task well!" Then you "reasonably" conclude,
"And since I didn't perform as well as I absolutely must, it's
awful, it's more than inconvenient, it's as bad as it possibly
could be, it's the end of
the
world!"
H you only stayed with your preference for doing well and
never escalated it into a dire necessity, a must, would you awfulize about your poor performance? Hardly everl I contend.
For your prefer- ence statement would be, "I would like to
perform this task well but I don't ever have to. So if I fail, too bad-but not awful!"
Take another set of iBs: personalizing and aU-or-none thinking:
"Now that the person I truly love has rejected me, I'm sure I
acted
very badly. Therefore, I am a thoroughly inadequate person
who will always be rejected and never be loved by someone for whom I care."
These ideas are irrational and self-defeating because:
1. You may not have acted badly at all and still may have been rejected because the person you love has peculiar tastes or preju- dices. In fact, you may act so well that your beloved may conclude
62 Insight
No. 3
that you are too good and that therefore he or she had better reject you before you later do the rejecting.
2. Even if you act badly with your beloved and therefore get re· jected, you are hardly an inadequate person but a person
who acted inadequately this time and who can learn to act better in the future.
3. Just because you get rejected now doesn't prove that you'll always be rejected and never be accepted by everyone for whom you care. If you keep trying, that's most improbable.
Your conclu· sion is a silly overgeneralization.
Now why, again, does a reasonable person like you make such crazy conclusions?
Not because you simply want to be accepted. For then you
would conclude that it's undesirable when you are rejected and would keep trying for future approval. You might possibly criticize your efforts but hardly damn yourself when a loved one rejects you.
But suppose you irrationally begin with strong and devout
mustssuch as, "I must win the love of everyone I truly love and
must never be rejected!" You will then easily and naturally
con· elude, "Because I have been rejected, as I must not be, I am sure I acted badly and am an inadequate person who will
never be loved the way I must bel"
RET, then, shows how you upset yourself with absolutistic shoulds, oughts, and musts. It holds that you can nicely hold
condi· tional and logical musts-such as, "If I want to read this book, I must buy or borrow a copy." And: "If I want to get a degree at col· lege, I must get passing marks in my required subjects.",For these conventional musts merely say, "Jfi want something, then I have to act properly to get it. This kind of
must is (though not always) realistic and helps you to act sensibly.
RET accepts your realistic musts but shows you how to look for your unconditional and ifiogical musts. Such as: "Even if I can't get a copy of this book, I still must read it." And: "Although
I have not passed any college courses, because I strongly want a degree they should give it to me!"
RET adds this rule to Insight No. 3: In seeking to discover the irrational Beliefs (iBs) you use to disturb yourself, cherchez
le
The Tyranny of the Shoulds 63
should, cherchez le must! Look for your dogmatic shoulds
and musts!
Using RET, you can quickly find these musts and see how you needlessly upset yourself by devoutly holding them. If you look!
One of my clients, Sandra, insisted that she first felt that being rejected by a lover was awful and terrible, and that once she felt that way, she then said that she must not get rejected. To begin with, she insisted, she only had strong
desires, and not demands, to be loved.
I was quite skeptical. "Let's suppose," I said, "you only wanted your lover strongly, and were not also insisting that you must
not lose him. What would your entire belief be about having and losing him?"
"Uh-. I guess, I strongly want him to love me. And if he doesn't, that's terrible and I can't stand it!"
"You're implying that if you only weakly wanted him to love you and if he didn't, that would be somewhat inconvenient but hardly terrible. Right?"
"Yes, Only when I see that my strong desire for him may be blocked do I feel that it's terrible."
"But suppose you believed, 'I strongly want my lover to love me but he really doesn't have to. I really don't need him to love me, though I truly desire him to do so.' How would you
then feel if you lost him?"
"Well-uh-ifl really believed he didn't have to love me, that I don't need him to, I guess I would feel that I could go on without him and it wouldn't be so terrible. But it would be quite frustrating and bad."
"See! If you were not making his loving you a necessity but only a strong desire, you would feel highly frustrated and inconvenienced. The stronger your desire for his love is, the more
in<.,'Onven- ienced you will be. But to turn your great inconvenience into a holy horror, to make it terrible, you are really adding a second idea: 'Since losing my lover is so bad, I
must not be that inconven- ienced. And if I am so very frustrated, as I must not be, that is aw
ful, that is
terrible!"
"So my awfulizing about losing my lover really stems from my musturbating about such a great
loss?" "Doesn't it? If you only stayed with a preference sentence, wouldn't you be saying to yourself, 'I hate like hell losing my lover.
64 Insight
No. 3
But there is still no reason why I must not lose him'?" "yes, I guess I would."
"And would you not then conclude, 'Because there is no reason why I must not lose him, it would be highly obnoxious ifl did, but the world won't come to an end, it won't be
terrible, and I could still be a happy-though a less happy-person'?"
"Yes, I might well conclude that."
"I think you would! Your awfulizing and terribleizing
basically stems from your command, your necessity, that this very bad loss must not occur."
"HI tell myself, 'Losing him is awful!' am I then saying that this loss must not exist?"
"Not always. You may just be using awful when you really mean,
·n·s very bad losing him,' and that would merely make you feel appropriately sad and frustrated at this loss. But when you say to
yourself, 'It's awful that I lost him,' you may also mean, 'It's
more
than bad, it must not be that bad, I can't bear that degree of bad- ness!' Your must is crucial here. For missing out on your strong de- sire to be loved may indeed be very bad, and may help you feel quite sorrowful. But telling yourself that this degree of badness ab solutely ought not exist and therefore is
more than bad puts you outside of reality and makes you severely anxious and depressed. Do you see the difference?"
"I think I do. But it's hard to see it clearly and keep seeing it." "True! Moreover, once you say to yourself, 'I must not lose my lover, and it would be terrible if I did,' you then tend to add, in a circular fashion, 'And since it would be so terrible,
this loss must not occur, absolutely should not exist!' And then you foolishly think
that your musts stem from your
terribleizing."
"When only the second must does! Is that what you mean?" "Yes. You bring musts or demands to the possible loss of your
lover. You therefore define this loss as terrible. Then you bring
the demand that 'terrible things must not exist!' to your terribleizing.
So you have first-level and second-level musts which you tend to bring to undesirable situations. And you therefore have, very of- ten, primary and secondary disturbances."
"Both of which I make exist because I tell myself that bad and
'horrible' things must not happen to
me." "Yes, that's a good point you're making. You can think that
mildly bad, very bad, and so-called terrible events must not occur.
65
The Tyranny of the Shoulds
And in all these cases, even with the mildly bad events, you'll needlessly disturb yourself. While if you convince yourself that even the very worst things in life-such as painful
deathsshould and must at times exist, because they simply and truly do exist, then you'll tend to feel sad and frustrated, but not severely anxious and depressed."
"I see now that the must seems to be basic to my disturbances,"
said
Sandra.
"Fine. But don't let me talk you into this. Figure it out for yourself. Whenever you really feel miserable-especially panicked, de- pressed, or enraged-look for your should, look for your must. And then see that if you give it up, you'll still feel frustrated and saddened-but not off the wall!"
"Okay, I'll really keep looking."
Sandra did keep looking for her musts and shouldsas well as for the awfulizing and terribleizing which stemmed from them- and for the first time in her life managed to feel quite sad but not depressed when an important lover rejected her.
When she occa- sionally sank into depression again, she saw she had returned to musturbation, worked at giving it up, and then felt alone and sad but not self-downing or depressed.
RET Exercise No. 7
L
ook for something that you really believe is awful, terrible,
or horrible. See if you can find-as you most probably can-the
must that lurks behind your defining this thing or act as
awful. Examples: "I think that being rejected by a person I truly love is
aw
ful." Hidden musts:
"... Because I must not be rejected by anyone Itruly love."
". . . BecauseI must be good enough to win the favor of anyone I truly love."
"... Because I must not be deprived of the companionship of
someone
Ireally
love." ". . . Because Iam a nice person who deserves to be loved, and therefore the world must arrange things so that Iget the love I truly deserve!"
Look for something you think you can't stand and try to discover
66
Insight No. 3
some of the musts that make you feel that you can't stand this thing.
Example: "The conditions under which I work are so disorganized and unfair that I can't stand working there." Hidden musts:
"The conditions under whichIwork are so disorganized and unfair that they must not exist. And thereforeI can't
stand their being as bad as they must not be."
"'I must have pleasure and relaxation at work, and Icannot have
this when the conditions there are so disorganized and unfair. Therefore, these conditions are so bad that I can't
stand them." "'I must have some degree of happiness at work and the condi- tions there are so disorganized and unfair that Ican't be happy at
aU there. Therefore, I can't stand working there."
"'My work must be the way Iwant it to be and the disorganized and unfair conditions where I work don't allow this.
Therefore, I
can't stand working there."
Look for some occasion when you felt you were an
inadequate
person, or felt worthless, or felt undeserving of good things. Try to discover your hidden musts that made you feel this way.
Example: "I failed a good many times to establish a long-term
relationship with someone for whom Ireally cared. That shows what an inadequate, unlovable person Iam."
Hidden musts:
"'I must succeed in at least one long-term relationship, otherwise
I am an inadequate, unlovable person."
"I must not keep failing at relationships with people for whom I care, and if Ido Iam clearly worthless."
"Because having a good relationship is the most important thing for me, I have to achieve one soon. HI fail at this, as I
must not, I am obviously an inferior, undeserving person."
"I am sometim es allowed to fail at long-term relationships but I
have failed too many times, as I must not! Failing so many
times
shows that I am an inadequate, unlovable person!"
Look for some time when you felt hopeless, and knew you would never succeed in life, and would always be deprived of
what you most wanted. Find your hidden musts that led you to this feeling of hopelessness.
Example: ..Now that Ihave lost several good jobs, I'll never
be
able to get and keep a good one, and always will be doomed to a
lousy position."
67
Hidden
The Tyranny of the Shoulds
musts:
CCI must never keep losing good jobs, and ifIdo, I'll clearly never
be able to get and keep a good
one."
CCI have to stay on a good job for a reasonable length of time.
Oth· erwise, I'll never be able to get another good one and
always be doomed to poor ones..,
CCI must prove what a worthwhile worker and person I am and
will never be worthwhile if Ikeep losing good jobs.
Being'worth· less, I'll never be able to get and keep a good job!" "I can lose a good job now and then but must not keep losing so many of them. SinceIkeep losing them, asI must not, I'll never
be able to keep a good one and always will be doomed to a lousy posi- tion.
Whenever you are upset about anything, look for your obvious
or hidden dogmatic musts. Assume that you really have them; and
if you can't find them ask a friend, relative, or therapist to help you
look for them. Cherchez le should, cherchez le must. Seek and ye shall find!
C
HA
PT
ER
9
Insight No. 4: Forget Your "Godawful"
Past!
For several years I was a highly successful psychoanalyst and thought thatIwas greatly helping my clients by exploring the gory details of their early life and showing them how these experiences made them disturbed-and how they could now understand and remove these early influences.
How wrong Iwas!
Mter I honestly admitted that my psychoanalytic "cures" were hardly as good asIwould have liked them to be,Ibegan to see that helping people to understand their past was not only doing them little good but was actually blocking their dealing with their pres ent problems. So I founded RET and began to
keep my clients in the present and to help them with their current difficulties. I im- mediately got much better results in teaching them how to be "unneurotic."
Many of my clients, however, still insisted on talking about their past-partly because they previously had years of
psychoanalysis and had been trained to do so. I then showed them that, yes, their
mother or brother had severely criticized them during their child- hood (at point A, or Activating Event, in the ABCs of RET).
And, yes, they had then undoubtedly felt depressed and self-downing (at point C, or Consequence). But A did not cause or create (though it may well have contributed to) C.
B (their Belief System) was the main contributor to C; and B
in- cluded a rational Belief (rB)-such as, "I don't like being criticized. Maybe it shows that I'm doing something wrong and, if so, I'd bet- ter correct it." But B also included an irrational Belief (iB}-such
69
70
Insight
No. 4
as,
"I need my mother's love and absolutely must not act badly and get her disapproval. H she, whom I need, dislikes me, I am surely an unlovable, crummy personl"1
So I showed my early RET clients the iBs that they brought
to their early childhood situations. I proved to them that, as children, they basically upset themselves.
More important, I demonstrated by examining their present
lives, how they were still using these same early iBs to castigate
themselves and that they were therefore currently disturbed.
Un- like many other people who were upset during childhood but long since changed their thinking and got over downing themselves (and hating their parents), these clients still actively
clung to their original shoulds and musts, and refused to give them up.
Their early thoughts and feelings did not make them anxious to- day. Rather, their present and continuing dogmas (iBs) were really the more direct cause of their current neurosis.
Insight No.
This brings us to
4 of RET: Your
eex arly childhood
periences and
your
past
conditioning
did
not
originally make
you disturbed.
You did.
You chose, because of your distorted thinking, to
overreact or
underreact to the Activating Events and Experiences of the past. You were actually an integral part of these Experiences.
Because when you do something (say, take a boat trip), you ap- proach the situation (the boat, the people on it, the water on which
it sails), and you react, as only you can react, to it. Moreover, you bring your memories of past events (including your reactions to these events) to the new situation, and you therefore "experience"
it in a biased manner. You largely (though not completely)
are your experiences-are an active creator of them.
So to some extent you ..invented" your past. And when
"it" sup-
posedly "makes you" feel upset today, you are really choosing to
keep it alive.
How?
1. By thinking the same kind of irrational Beliefs (iBs) with which you upset yourself-during your childhood. For example,
"I
want
not only
my mother's approval but I
need
completely
it and
am
a
basket
case without
it!"
holding on
2. By still actively
to these views today.
3. By refusing to rethink and act against your iBs until you no longer use them to upset yourself.
In the past, you largely made your bed of neurosis and you are
Forget Your . Godawful" Past 71
i
nsisting on lying in it today! If, therefore, you use RET to under stand your early life, you can focus on your part in creating it and on how you now perpetuate your childish thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Ironically, if you forget about your past, if you assume that you are still bothering yourself today, and if you look for what you are now doing to make yourself miserable, you will often see what re al y "happened" in your childhood-and what you did to make it happen. The less you gripe about your past, the more you tend to admit that you partly created it. The more you explore what you are now doing to cause your upset feelings, the more insight you will have.
Karen, a member of one of my regular therapy groups at the In- stitute for Rational-Emotive Therapy in New York, kept insisting that she hated herself because her mother continually told her, all during her childhood, that she was stupid and ugly.
Rob, another group member, backed her up by stoutly contending that he had no confidence in himself because his father insisted that he become a wealthy businessman, and he actually turned out to be a low-paid civil servant.
The other group members and I tried to show Karen and Rob that their brothers and sisters, who had also been severely put
down by their parents, were-peculiarly enoughl-confident and self-accepting. No sale. Karen and Rob firmly held onto their "traumatic" pasts-and did little to change themselves in the pres- ent.
Audrey, a very attractive dentist, who had loathed herself all her life and was still shy and unassertive, finally spoke up: 'Tm sick and tired of the two of you moaning and wailing about your goddamned parents and how they made you the way you are.
Let me tell you about my mother and father. They were the nicest and most gentle people I ever met. They loved me and supported me in every which way. They always told me I was bright and beautiful and that
they knew I could do anything I wanted to do. They treated my brother equally well; and he was, and still is, very kind to me. Well, as a result of all this marvelous upbringing, you know what a basket case I now am-as meek and self-hating as I
possibly could bel So why don't both of you stop your shrieking about your horri- ble childhood and get on with your present
lives? Just as I have to do about mine-in spite of my wonderful upbringing!"
72 Insight No.
4 Three other members of the group joined Audrey in affirming that they, too, had had fine, loving parents-and still hated them- selves. One of them, Jose, said: "I now see, through RET, that I brought my perfectionistic self to my tolerant mother and father. No matter how often they
accepted me, I pigheadedly refused to do so. And I still often refuse! So I keep working to change me and my perfectionism.
As you two had better do also!"
Surprised by the group's reaction, Karen and Rob were taken aback. Karen did some more thinking, worked hard at accepting herself with her failings, and then was able to forgive her mother and have a good relationship with her. Rob temporarily stopped resenting his father but then went back to blaming him again for all his present problems. He quit the group, has been in psychoanaly- sis for the past five years, and according to one of his friends who regularly attends my Friday night workshops, still spends most of his therapy sessions angrily damning his father.
Too bad. But RET can't win them all. And obviously doesn't!
RET Exercise No.8
Tr
y to remember an event from your early life when you felt horrified, depressed, or self-hating. Then see if you can figure out your rational Beliefs (rBs) and irrational Beliefs (iBs) that you held at that time that probably led you to feeling emotionally upset. See how you hold on to them today.
Example: "My parents often made me wear ill-fitting hand-me- down clothes and I felt so ashamed that I often stayed at home and refused to play with the other kids."
Rational Beliefs (rBs): "I don't like wearing il -fitting clothes and
possibly being laughed at by the other kids. But I can bear it and still get along with the kids who may laugh at me."
Early irrational Beliefs (iBs): "I must not wear these ill-fitting
clothes and be laughed at by the other kids. How awful and shame- ful. They must think I'm a fool-and they're right, I ami"
Present irrational Beliefs (iBs): "I make sure I don't wear ill- fitting clothes today. But I still think that if anyone laughs at me and thinks I'm a fool I agree that I am and feel very ashamed." Example: "My teachers treated me uncaringly and unfairly when
1was a child and that made me very angry and
rebellious."
Forget Your "Godawful" Past
73
Rational Beliefs (rBs): "I wish my teachers would treat me caringly and fairly and it is most unfortunate that they don't.
But that is their poor behavior and they are not totally rotten people for acting that way."
Early irrational Beliefs (iBs): "My parents absolutely should
treat me caringly and fairly, and it is awful that they don't. They are thoroughly rotten people for acting in that horrible way and Ihope they drop dead!"
Present irrational Beliefs (iBs): "Some people still treat me uncaringly and unfairly today-and they absolutely should not!
These people are thoroughly rotten people and Ihope they get se- verely punished!"
Whenever you think that your early experiences have made you or conditioned you to be disturbed today, recall and relive these experiences and figure out your rational Beliefs (rBs) and especially your irrational Beliefs (iBs) that mainly led to your past emotional problems, and also see how you are still clinging to these iBs today.
CHAPTER
10 Insight No. 5: Actively Dispute
Your Irrational Beliefs
So you are now beginning to have insight into your irrational Beliefs-especially into your dogmatic shoulds and musts. Great!
But you won't do yourself much good, nor wil you remove your neurotic misery, unless you actively and forcefully dispute your iBs.
Understanding is not enough, any more than understanding how to drive a car will make you a good driver. What are you going to do about knowing the ABCs of RET and about the irrational Beliefs that you use to keep yourself disturbed?
I have twenty or more clients, at the time I write this, who are well aware of their iBs but who are doing little to dispute them. Irene has been in one of my therapy groups for four months and often helps other members by pointing out their irrationalities and vigorously showing them that there is no reason why they must be in a good relationship or have to marry. But she thinks that because she is approaching thirty-five and has never had a long-term rela- tionship, she absolutely
must marry very soon.
Irene keeps telling the group, "I think it would be desirable if I marry but I don't have to." She then secretly sneaks in, "But I re- ally must I" And she rarely challenges and rips up her own
mustso she remains quite anxious.
Frank, another member of Irene's therapy brroup, shows Irene her musts, but tries to give her only practical solutions about her need to marry soon-like suggesting good places for her to meet suitable males. In his own case, he does the same
thing: He only looks for "good" ways to argue with his obnoxious boss instead of
75
76
Insight No. 5
giving up his own demand that his boss must not be obnoxious.
Josie, a third member of this group, keeps insisting that because Irene is getting older and because she dotes on children, she really should find a husband soon. Needless to say, Josie is hardly helping herself give up her own demands-that her daughter and her hus- band must be caring and fair to her-and she definitely is not help- ing Irene.
So RET includes Insight No. 5: Fully acknowledge that you upset yourself with irrational musts. Acknowledging that you
have musts will not in itself make them disappear. Fight them
in many ways that RET provides, but above all actively
challenge and dispute them.
When you are irrational, you oppose reason (good sense) and re- fuse to accept reality (the way things are). Science tells you how to use reason, logic, and facts, to surrender your irrational thinking. It raises skeptical questions:
"Where is the evidence that I must
succeed?" "Why do people have to treat me fairly?"
"Where is it written that my life has got to be free of hassles?"
When you use scientific questioning and disputing you figure
out answers like these:
"There is no evidence that I must succeed, though I would very
much prefer to do so."
"People don't have to treat me fairly, although it would be lovely
if they did!"
"My life never has to be free of major hassles and probably never
will be. But I can still lead an enjoyable existence! And I can even learn and benefit from the hassles!"
Is RET a self-treatment method that specializes in ar6tuing and persuading? It is. With a vengeance! It holds that disputing, disputing, and disputing irrational Beliefs is one of the most important means of overcoming your emotional problems.
Let us go back to the ABCs ofRETand proceed to D, Disputing.
How would you Dispute if you had the problem presented in
Chapter 5? Let us see.
G (your Goal)-you want a good job.
A (your Activating Event)--you do badly in an interview and fail
to get the job you desire.
rBs (your rational Beliefs)-"! don't like failing to get this job!
Actively Dispute Your Irrational Beliefs
77
How frustrating! Too bad! How can I try to do better next time?" iBs (your irrational Beliefs}-"No matter what, I must
get this interviewer to like me and give me this job! If he doesn't, it's aw ful! I can't stand it! HI fail, that proves that I'm an incompetent person who will never be able to get and keep a good position." C (Consequence of holding your irrational Beliefs}-you feel depressed and worthless. You avoid going for other
interviews.
Now that we have outlined the ABCs about your Goal of getting a good job, let us proceed to D-to scientifically Dispute your irra- tional Beliefs (iBs):
iB--"No matter what, I must get this interviewer to like me and give me this job."
D (Disputing}-"Why must I get this interviewer to like me? Where is the evidence that he has to give me this job?"
E (Effective new philosophy}-"There is no reason why I must
get this interviewer to like me, though there are several reasons why I would prefer that. No evidence exists that he has
to give me this job. H the universe ruled that he had to give it to me, he obviously would. But it doesn't. Too
bad!" iB--"If I don't get this job, as I must, it's awful!"
D (Disputing}-"ln what way is it awful if I don't get this job?" E (Effective new philosophy}-"In no way. It may be damned
inconvenient. But it is hardly one hundred percent inconvenient, since it could be worse. And if it were awful or
terrible it would be more than (101 percent) inconvenient-which, of course, it can't be. So it's inconvenient! Tough!"
iB--"If I don't get this job, as I must, I can't stand it."
D (Disputing}-"Prove that I can't stand it."
E (Effective new philosophy}-"! can't prove that because I ob- viously can stand it. First of all, I will hardly die if I lose this job. Second, if I really couldn't stand it, I couldn't be happy at
all with- out this job. But clearly there are many ways in which I can be happy, even if I never get as good a job as this one.''
iB--"My losing this job proves that I'm an incompetent person who will never be able to get and keep a good position."
D (Disputing}-"Where is this written?"
E (Effective new philosophy}-"Only in my nutty head! HI lose this job it may not at all show that I am incompetent-but only that this particular interviewer didn't like me. And even if I acted in-
78 Insight No.
5
competently in the interview that only indicates that I am a
person who acted badly this time and not a totally if
incompetent person. Even
I often am incompetent at
wil
interviews, that doesn't prove that I
never be
able to get and keep a good position. So I'd better start looking again!"
If you keep actively and vigorously Disputing your irrational Beliefs-at point D in RET-you scientifically challenge them un- tilyou prove them wrong and give them up. And you change C-in this case, your depression and self-denigration. If you keep strongly Disputing your iBs, your disturbed Consequences rarely return.
As you give up your inappropriate feelings of depression and
wormhood, you are also able to change your behavior and can fairly easily keep going on more interviews and continue looking for a job.
To return to Irene, the member of my therapy group mentioned above, she finally admitted that, on the one hand, she was telling herself, ..I don't have to marry" but, on the other hand, she was
even more strongly convincing herself, "But I really must."
She and the other group members then kept vigorously Disputing her irrational must until she finally got to-and really believed-the bottom line: ..It is indeed highly desirable if I marry. But if I never find a suitable mate, I can still be a happy person. I can! And willl No matter what!"
After weeks of accepting this new Effective Rational Philosophy (E), Irene's panic vanished, even though her strong desires and
goals to marry remained. She was then appropriately
disappointed
but not depressed about still being
single.
Frank, doing some amount of active Disputing but not as much
as Irene, partially gave up the irrational Belief that his boss
must not act obnoxiously, but he from time to time returned to it. Josie at first refused to surrender her demands that her daughter and her husband must be caring and fair to her. But when she saw how Irene overcame her panic about being single, she was able to ac- cept, though not like, her uncaring family. As she noted to the group: ..Dammit, they just are the way they are. And I didn't make them that way. They have their own fine talents at being cold and unloving. Why should they not
behave badly-when they obvi-
Actively Dispute Your Irrational Beliefs
79
ously dol" Believing and feeling this, Josie became less obsessed with her family and more devoted to Chinese art-which rarely treated her unjustly!
Exercise
RET
No.9
Find something that you are now or have recently been emotion- ally upset about or that you acted foolishly about.
Write it down.
For Example:
Someone lied to you and you felt furious and homicidal.
You failed to do your regular exercises and you felt angry at yourself and very depressed.
You wore an informal outfit to a formal afFair and felt highly embarrassed
or
ashamed.
You were severely criticized by a friend you had helped and you felt extremely hurt and self-pitying.
You promised yourself to stop smoking and didn't stop.
You selfishly harmed an innocent person.
You gave into a plane phobia-drove a thousand miles to get somewhere.
You put yourself down for not overcoming one of your phobias or compulsions.
When you remember the present or past time that you felt disturbed or acted self-defeatingly, assume that you had an irrational should, ought, or must and look for it.
Example: ..The person who lied to me absolutely should not have done that! How terrible that she acted the way she
must not
a
ct!" Also look for the common irrational Beliefs that often accompany your musts. Write them
down: Awfulizing, horribleizing, terribleizing.
Example: ..Since I acted so stupidly about wearing that informal outfit to a formal affair, as I clearly should not have done, that's terrible! It's awful that I can't dress properly."
"I can'tstand-t "t-t 'tt·s. "
Example: ..When friends whom I have helped and supported severely criticize me, as they definitely should not, I can't
stand it! I
can't
bear
such
ingratitude!"
80 Insight
No. 5
Feelings of worthlessness and selfhatred.
Example: "Because I didn't follow my promise to stop smoking, as I should have done, I'm a stupid, worthless person.
Considering how important it is to stop, I'm really no good for continuing to smoke."
Feelings of undeservingness and selfdamnation.
Example: "Because I selfishly harmed my innocent friend, as I absolutely should not have done, I am a damnable person who
de serves to be punished. I am undeserving of any acceptance by oth- ers and should be severely boycotted."
Belief in allness, neverness, and totality.
Example: "Now that I have stupidly given in to my plane phobia and driven a thousand miles to get from New York to Chicago, as I
definitely should not have done, I'll never be able to overcome my irrational fear of planes, I'll always have to drive instead of fly long distances, and I am total y unable to
<.,'Onquer my phobia."
Belief in perfection, specialness, and grandiosity.
Example: "I must be perfect, special, and noble and if I am less
than this, I am not really a good or worthy person. If I am not superspecial, I am nothing!"
Now actively Dispute (at point D) your irrational Beliefs (iBs) by asking scientific questions about them and assuming that if you keep questioning and challenging them you can definitely change them to preferences or give them up entirely. Here are some of the main Disputing questions you can ask:
Disputing question: "Why is my iB true? Why does it not
con
form to
reality?"
Example: "Why should not people who lie to me do what they do-lie? Why must not they act in that way and why is it if
terrible
they do?"
Answer: There is no reason why they should not or must not lie, though it would be highly desirable if they didn't. Actually, if they are prone to lying right now, they must keep lying-for that is their nature. And if they do lie, it is hardly terrible (or bad .
der t. han it should be) but only highly inconvenient. And I can live with that
mconvemen
ce. ,, Disputing question: "Where is the evidence that my
irrational
Beliefs (iBs) are true? Where are the facts to sustain
them?"
Example: "Where is the evidence that I should not have acted
81
Actively Dispute Your Irrational Beliefs
stupidly and worn that informal outfit to a formal afFair?
Where are the facts to prove that it's terrible that I did so?"
Answer: "There is no evidence that I should not have acted so stupidly and there is considerable evidence that I am a fallible hu- man who consequently will at times behave quite stupidly. There are no facts to prove that it's terrible that I did this, but only facts to show that I encouraged some people to think less of iny behavior (and probably of me) and that's unfortunate, but I can still win the approval of many people and lead a good life."
Disputing question: "Where is it written that my irrational
Be liefs (iBs) are true? Who says that they exist in reality?"
Example: "Where is it written that friends I have helped
abso lutely should not criticize me severely and that I can't
stand it when they do? Who says that I can't bear such severe
"It
criticism?" Answer:
is only written in my head
that they must not criti-
cize me, since obviously they are not heeding my command. I
can stand it when they do severely criticize me, because their words can't hurt me unless I sharpen them and take them too seriously. Since I won't die from their criticism and can still accept myself in spite of it, I can bear it-and perhaps even benefit from heeding some of it."
Disputing question: "In what way can I support these
irrational Beliefs (iBs)? How can I prove their validity?"
Example: "In what way am I a stupid, worthless person
because I didn't follow my promise to stop smoking, as I should
have fol-
lowed it? How does this stupid act of smoking make me no
good?"
Answer: "In no way am I, a total person, stupid and
worthless because I keep doing a stupid act like smoking. My
act is foolish but that hardly makes me a worthless fool, only a
person who is now acting foolishly, who may act less foolishly in the future, and who does many other intelligent things. It,
this stupid act of smok- ing, is no good (or oflittle good) but I am
not it. I am I, and I have the ability to do many good things and many bad acts. I also have the ability to change my bad deeds for good ones. So let me see how I can now stop smoking!"
Disputing question: "Is there any way in which I can falsify or
invalidate my irrational Beliefs (iBs)?"
Example: "Is there any way in which I can falsify or invalidate my Belief that because I selfishly harmed my innocent friend, as I
82 Insight
No. 5
absolutely should not, I am a damnable person who deserves to be punished? Can I really prove or disprove the idea that I am undeserving of any acceptance by others and should be severely boycotted and punished?"
Answer: "No, I cannot falsify my belief that I am a damnable
per son who deserves to be punished. I can prove that I selfishly harmed my innocent friend, which was wrong. But I can only arbi- trarily insist that the wrongness or evil makes me a
damnable, undeserving person who absolutely should be
punished and de- prived of all human acceptance and pleasure.
Concepts like dam- nation, undeservingness, and total unacceptability as a human im- ply that there is some superhuman higher power that absolutely knows when human acts are bad enough to levy such undebatable sanctions. But such superhuman powers cannot be proved or dis- proved, so there is no way to falsify (or to verify) these exception- ally punitive concepts. To believe in them leads to extreme self-damnation and self-deprivation. But since I cannot justify or falsify these irrational Beliefs, and they are therefore matters of pure choice, why should I choose to self-defeatingly believe them? For no good reason!"
Disputing question: "'What results will I get if I continue to
hold
these irrational Beliefs? What goodand harmwill it
bring me
to
believe
them?"
Example: "What results will I get if I believe that I
absolutely should not have given in to my plane phobia and driven a thousand
miles to get from New York to Chicago, I'll never be able to over- come my irrational fear of planes? What results will I achieve if I firmly believe that I'll always have to drive instead of
Hy long dis- tances?"
Answer: ''Very poor results! H I rigidly hold to this overgeneralized way of thinking, I will doom myself to my all-and-
never predictions and make my phobia a hopeless condition.
Whenever I insist that I can't change and that I must always
func- tion badly, I block my progress and practically force myself to stick in the mud."
Disputing question: ''Can I choose to stop believing and
follow ing my irrational Beliefs?"
Example: "Can I choose to believe that I do not have to be per- fect, special, and noble and choose to give up the belief that if Iam
not all I am
nothing?"
Actively Dispute Your Irrational Beliefi
83
Answer: "Of course 1can! Anything I choose to believe I can ob- viously choose not to believe. Even if I am lltrongly indoctrinated-or indoctrinate myself-with these nutty beliefs in my early life, I may have to make some effort to change them, but as long as they are my ideas I can choose to change them or give them up. Many of the things I once believed I no longer hold to, and any notion I now choose to cling to I can later change. So let me work at changing my irrational and self-defeating Beliefs to those that wil bring me better results!"
Once you have written down some of your dogmatic musts and the other irrational Beliefs (iBs) that they tend to lead to, ask your- self the Disputing questions listed above and do your best to an- swer them until you at least temporarily change these Beliefs to rational preferences. Do this until you feel much better and have changed your inappropriate feelings and behaviors for more appropriate ones. Repeat this exercise whenever you feel quite dis- turbed or act in a distinctly self-defeating manner. H
necessary, re- peat it two, three, or more times a day when you feel seriously anxious, depressed, hostile, self-hating, or self-pitying.
CH
APT
ER
11
Insight No. 6: You Can Refuse to Upset
Yourself About Upsetting Yourself
Many therapies, such as behavior therapy, try to relieve people's neurotic symptoms-their phobias, obsessions, compulsions, and addictions. Some therapies, such as existential analysis and psycho- analysis, try to go "deeper" and help clients change their philoso- phy, and thus prevent them from creating new sympto ms in the future. RET goes still further and aims for a profound new philoso- phy as well as for relieving symptoms. It also helps people become unanxious and undepressed about their neurotic problems. 1
RET's view that crooked thinking leads to emotional problems has much evidence to support it, as I have already noted. But it is also supported by the very nature of neurosis. As I point out in
Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy and A New Guide to Ra
tional Living, we may drive rats and guinea pigs "neurotic" in psy- chological laboratories, but they do not seem to know they are dis- turbed. They don't observe their crazy behavior, or think
about it,
or hate themselves for suffering from it. Humans often do.
People continually see that they are anxious, know that worry is inefficient, measure how bad it is, accept
responsibility for producing it, and criticize themselves for
"weakly" or "stupidly" bringing it on. They then tend to make themselves anxious about their anxiety, depressed about their depression, guilty about their
addictions, self-pitying about their
neurosis.
George is often angry at his senile, demanding mother-and hates himself intensely for being angry at her. Cynthia smokes two packs of cigarettes a day in spite of her weak lungs and steady coughing and is very guilty about her "horrible weakness." Josef is
85
In
unassertive with hi s
s w i
o g
htma nfriend-and angry at her for
"making him" afraid to assert himself.
Are disturbances abou t disturb
ances important? Indeed
they
are! For if George hates himself for being angry at his mother, he will tend to be so wrapped up in his self-denigration that he will have little time and energy to work on the problem of giving up his anger. If Cynthia is guilty about her "horrible weakness" of continuing to smoke when she has weak lungs, she will upset her- self so severely that she may "need" more cigarettes to distract her
from her self-hatred. While Josef remains angry at his woman friend for "making" him unassertive, he will be aggressive rather than assertive and will hardly work on expressing himself. By bringing on their disturbances about
their original neuroses, George, Cynthia, and Josef will add
considerably to their emo- tional problems.
This brings us to Insight No. 6 of RET: Once you make
yourself
miserable about anything, you easily tend to make yourself
misera ble about your misery. If you look at what you are
doing, you can often discover that you are making yourself
anxious about your anxiety, depressed about your depression,
and guilty about your rage. You really are talented at
upsetting yourseljl
Don't take my word for it. Be honest with yourself: How did you
really feel when you were last panicked? Yes, how did you feel about your panic? And about your last bout of depression? And ubout your severe feelings of inadequacy?
See!
The RET solution? Oddly enough, more thinking, more
reason-
ing. When you create problems about problems by observing
your bad feelings and telling yourself that you must not have these feel- ings, you can remove them by using Insight No. 6.
To be more precise, to stop disturbing yourself about disturbing yourself, try the following steps:
1. You ask yourself, "Now that I feel very anxious, am I also
anxious about my
anxiety?"
In
2. You acknowledge, s
w i
he g
htn you find time, your secondary symptoms-such as your depression about your anxiety and your
anxiety
about
yo
ur
depression.
3. You understand that you have created your secondary
87
You Can Refuse to Upset Yourself
symptoms-yes, made yourself panicked about your panic, self-hating about your self-hatred.
4. You recognize that because you brought on your secondary feelings of misery, you also have the ability to work at changing them.
What next?
Suppose that, using RET, you have made yourself fully aware that you feel, let us say, anxiety about your anxiety-or panic about your panic! What do you do now?
You next take these Disputing steps:
1. You assume that you created your panic about your panic with some absolutistic musts-such as, "I must not be panicked! I have to be calm!''
2. You seek out, probe for your musts until you find them:
"Oh, yes. I now see that I do believe that I must never be panicked, or else I'll end up in the loony bin. And that would
really be terrible!"
3. You actively Dispute your musts until you come up with- and truly believei-Effective Rational Philosophies. Like this:
iB (irrational Beliefs)-..It's awful to be panicked!"
D (Disputing)-..Where is the evidence that it's awful?"
E (Effective Rational Philosophy}-..Nowhere except in my foolish thinking! It's only very inconvenient, but I can always stand it-and work to get rid of my panic about panic."
iB-"I must not be panicked!"
D-"Where is that law of the universe written?"
E-..Nowhere. Only in the heads of crooked-thinking humans like mel If the universe ruled that I must not be panicked, I couldn't possibly be. Obviously its rule is that I can be
extremely anxious-if I allow myself to bel"
iB-"If I am panicked, I'll end up in the loony bin and that would really be
terrible!" D-..Is this
true?"
E -"Nonsensel I and billions of other people have been panicked before and have somehow managed to stay out of
the mental hospital. Feelings of panic are painful but rarely produce nervous breakdowns. Otherwise, all of us humans would be
c
Insight
onfined! And even if the worst comes to the worst-which is most unlikely-"and I do for a while get hospitalized, that would be highly uncomfortable. But I can still survive, calm down, and lead a happy life. If I think I can!"
If you Dispute (D) your irrational Beliefs (iBs) leading to your
emotional Consequence (C) of anxiety about anxiety, you can then keep thinking and planning to rid yourself of it and to see that you rarely bring it back. Your final conclusions will tend to be:
1. "I am never an incompetent or rotten person for making my- self anxious and making myself anxious about my anxiety. I am merely a person who has some rotten philosophies-which I can work at changing."
2. "No matter how badly I inconvenience and handicap myself with feelings of stress and panic, they are only that:
inconvenient. Never awful or horrible! Never unbearable! Only a royal pain in the neck!"
Once you keep making these conclusions, you can go back to your original feelings of panic (such as your horror about being re- jected by someone), discover your irrational Beliefs that are creat- ing the panic (for example, "I cannot be alone and be happy!"); and Dispute these iBs and remove your original anxiety.
Insight No. 6 of RET, as you can see, indicates that you easily create primary emotional problems and secondary problems about your original ones. It encourages you to give up, first, your second- ary neurosis-and then to undo your primary one.
Insight No. 6 also shows you how you can create third-level dis- turbances and how to work against them, too. Gerald, for example, first made himself anxious about doing well at work (primary prob- lem). Then he became addicted to alcohol in order to temporarily calm his anxiety (secondary problem). Then he damned himself se- verely for his drinking (third level problem). Because of his third- level self-blame he upset himself so much that he did worse at work and (to soothe his anxiety) drank much more.
If you heed Insight No. 6, you will undo your second-level and third-level emotional problems, then get back to working
Insight
against your primary distur ba nces, and thus comprehensively help yours
elf. Here are some follow-ups on the clients mentioned
previously in
this
chapter:
George examined his irrational Belief, "I must never be angry at
You Can Refuse to Upset Yourself
89
my mother, even though she neglected me as a child and now de- mands that I devote myself to her in her old age. What a louse I am!" He first accepted himself with his anger-then, free of his self-hatred, he stopped demanding that his mother be nondemanding, and gave up hatred of her (though not his dislike for her behavior).
Cynthia, after much rethinking, was able to strongly repeat to herself many times, "My continuing to smoke is indeed a bad weakness. But beating myself for smoking only makes me weaker!
If I am no good for smoking, how can rotten me ever do a good thing like stopping? Never! So even ifIkeep foolishly smoking, I am determined to stop my self-beating!" As soon as she ceased her self-blaming, Cynthia found it much easier to stay at five cigarettes
a day, instead of her usual two
packs.
Josef acknowledged that his woman friend really was making it difficult-though not impossible-for him to assert himself.
But by showing himself that she had a right, as a human, to be wrong, he
lost his anger at her-and then, despite his fear and discomfort, he was able to force himself to be more and more assertive, until act- ing that way became natural and easy.
Gerald, with the help of one of my regular therapy groups, first worked at his third-level problem-his downing himself for his alcoholism-by showing himself that his drinking was stupid but that he was not a stupid, hopeless p rson. Then he tackled his secondary symptom (low frustration tolerance) which
accompanied his
irrational Belief, "I can't stand feeling anxious, so I must immedi- ately relieve myself by drinking!" Finally, he went back to his pri- mary symptom, his anxiety created by his demand that he had to do very well at work-and he was able to make himself concerned but no longer overconcemed about his job performances, and to become much less anxious. On all three levels he improved-and
his drinking and his work considerably improved, too. As his anxiety, low frustration tolerance, and self-damning decreased, he was
able to stop drinking altogether and lead a much more productive life.
RET
10
Exercise No.
This is an exercise in self-honesty. Dishonesty with yourself is usu- al y the result of your self-downing. You feel ashamed to admit the
In
t
ruth-as when you fail s
mi i
se g
htra bly at something or see that others are laughing at you-so you lie to yourself and deny your errors and your foolishn ess.
What you can do now is to honestly admit when you recently felt upset-felt anxious, depressed, or enraged. Examples: Were you anxious about your children or other close relatives coming home later than expected?
Were you panicked about a pain in your chest, thinking it might be a heart attack?
Were you depressed about the death of a relative or close friend? Were you enraged about terrorism directed against innocent civili
ans?
These are anxieties about real major or important events and you probably were able to accept your reactions and deal with them. But how about some recent minor or unimportant events? For Ex- ample:
Suppose you notice you have a spot on your shirt and are anxious about the strangers on the bus or subway who might notice it?
Or suppose you are at a party or a convention and forgot some- one's name and are panicked lest that person see that you have for- gotten it?
Or suppose you were unassertive with your barber and are afraid that people will discover that you let him cut your hair too short?
Or suppose you have to go to the bathroom in the midst of a con- cert and are ashamed that people will think you foolish and disruptive
for
going?
Look for minor incidents like these and acknowledge that you were really anxious, panicked, or ashamed about them-and that you were anxious about your anxiety, ashamed of your shame, de- pressed about your panic. Can you be quite honest with yourself? Can you fully admit your original panic about this slight failing or screw-up-and can you admit your secondary panic of letting peo- ple know about your original anxiety? Force yourself to be honest. If it kills you!
Now do something more:
In
1. Laugh to yourself sabo iut g
hty our panic and your panic about your panic. See how ridiculous it is that you absolutely need
people's approval for almost everything you do-and that you
need their ap- proval for your needing their approval! See how funny this is!
91
You Can Refuse to Upset Yourself
2. As a shame-attacking exercise, tell someone--better, tell
setr eral people-about your "shameful" feelings. Let them know what a trivial thing you upset yourself about. Show them how you made yourself upset about your upsetness. Be ruthlessly open and hon- est to others about how afraid you are-and how fearful of your fearfulness f
3. Find your main musts about your original feelings of panic. For example: "I must remember this person's name! I
must not have to ask him, once again, what his name is! I must
not insult him by forgetting who he is! I must not let him know I stupidly forgot!"
4. Find your musts about your secondary anxiety. For example:
..I must not show my anxiety to others! I must not be so anxious
over trifles! I must get over my anxiety immediately!"
5. Rip up these musts and change them to preferences.
6. Continue to observe and admit that you often make yourself anxious or panicked over many little things. Continue to accept yourself with your anxiety, to often confess it to others, and to find and dispute the musts with which you create it.
CHAPTER
12 Insight No. 7: Solving Reality Problems
as Well as Emotional Problems
Although RET is often accused of being a superficial form of therapy-because its ABCs are simple and easy for almost anyone to understand-it actually is more comprehensive than most other therapies. For it sees everyone-including you-as affecting and being affected by the people and the environment around them.
You live in a social system-with your family, friends, business associates, acquaintances, and strangers. You, to some degree, af feet these others; and they affect and influence you.
You also live in an external environment-with air, vegetation, roads, buildings, weather conditions, machines, autos, etc. All of these, too, affect you; and you, in tum, act on them.
Finally, you live in your own body-with bones, blood, internal organs, skin, nerves, and other tissues that strongly influence you.
Again, your doings-such as eating, drinking, exercising, thinking,
and feeling-importantly affect your
body. Living in this complicated environment, you have (as noted previously in this book) basic Goals (G) which you bring to the Activating Events of your life. These Goals create many practical problems for you to try to solve. Such as:
How shall I get a good education?
What shall I do to find a suitable mate?
Which profession shall I choose and how shall I succeed at it?
What recreations do I find enjoyable and worthy of my time and effort?
Once you recognize these reality problems, you can try to solve them-or you can foolishly choose to make yourself upset about
93
94 Insight
No. 7
them. If you upset yourself, you then have a problem about a problem-an emotional problem (or neurosis) about your reality problem (how to survive and enjoy yourself).
RET is more systematic than most other therapies in that it encourages you to tackle both your original practical difficulties and your later emotional difficulties-though not necessarily in that or- der. In fact, it often encourages you, when you have a neurotic problem, to first work at solving that dilemma-and then to tackle your practical problems.
Why so? For several reasons:
1. While you are anxious or depressed about making a decision-such as, "Shall I stay with my love partner or end our relationship?"-you may be unable to see which of your desires (to stay or leave) is greater. Your guilt about leaving, for example, may prevent you from seeing that you really want to go. Or your anger
at your partner may push aside your real desire
to stay.
2. You may spend so much time and energy being
disturbed that you have little left to devote to solving your practical problem. Thus, you may spend so much time whining about having to decide whether to leave your love partner that you never get around to actually making a clear decision.
3. You may be so upset about having a practical problem and knowing no good and quick solution to it that you may not be able to keep your thoughts in order to help solve it.
RET, therefore, encourages you first to solve your emotional upsetness (your problem about a problem) and then carefully con- sider your practical decisions.
This brings us to RET's Insight No. 7: As you attempt to solve
your practical life problems, look carefully to discover whether
you have any emotional problemssuch as feelings of anxiety
or
depressionabout these practical issues. If so, seek out and actively Dispute your dogmatic, musturbatory thinking that leads
to your emotional difficulties. While working to reduce your
neurotic feelings, go back to your practical difficulties and use
effective self management and problemsolving methods to
tackle them.
Joani greatly wanted to finish college but had little money and had to commute fifty miles to do so. Rough going! But she made it much rougher by telling herself, "I must finish college and do so soon! This means that I have to work hard at my job and at school,
9S
Solving ReaUty Probl
and also spend time commuting-and that's unfair and things
shouldn't be that unfair! Besides, my father keeps telling me that I haven't the ability to finish-and maybe he's right. If so, that would be awful and I'd never get any of the good things I really want in life! I hate my rotten father for doing this to mel"
With these strong irrational Beliefs, Joani took her original prac- tical problems and used them to make herself feel anxious, de- pressed, angry, and self-hating. Naturally, her disturbed feelings greatly interfered with her solving her practical (money, school, work, and commuting) problems-not to mention her trouble com- municating with her father.
Joani and I first worked at revealing and changing her dogmatic musts about herself, about her father, and about the school situa- tion. Then, as we did this, I helped her improve her practical prob- lem skills and figure out alternate solutions that her upsetness blocked her from discovering-including borrowing money and living and working closer to her college. I also helped her to learn communication skills (to get along better with her father) and to acquire organizing and study skills (and thus be capable of doing more schoolwork in less time).
You, too, can first change your irrational Beliefs and the dis- turbed emotional Consequences to which they lead. You can then go back to A (the Activating Events of your life) and use the problem-solving and other skills to make your decisions more prac- tical and pleasurable.
To improve your life, you can use RET to acquire assertiveness training, time management methods, relationship skills, sex education, job advancement methods, and various other skills that may help you lead a more self-fulfilling existence. Because RET deals with thinking and behavior and because it includes corrective teaching, it is a pioneering problem-solving and skill·training ap· proach to therapy. 1
Which once again shows that it is comprehensive! It is a "systems theory" of human behavior that is truly systematic! By help- ing you to understand your disruptive feelings (C) about
your life events (A), and to change your ideas (B) that produce these feel- ings, it enables you to work at reorganizing your As, Bs, and Cs. And to see and rearrange the complicated ways in which A, 8, and C interact.
96
Insight No. 7
RET Exercise No. l
Think of a practical problem that you want to solve or a decision you want to make. For example, consider:
How to get a better
job. How to give a good
speech. How to win a golf
game. How to write a term
paper.
How to drive to a strange
city. How to relate well to
others.
How to have more enjoyable sex.
Think about these
decisions: Which 1V set to
buy. Which house to purchase.
Which person to choose as a partner in a
game. Which courses to take at school.
Which suit or dress to wear to a party.
Which life career to choose.
Which exercise program to select.
Look for any emotional or behavioral problems that you have about these practical problems. For example:
Are you anxious about getting a good job and
keeping it? Would you be ashamed if you gave a poor speech? Would you be depressed if you played golf
poorly?
Are you continuing to procrastinate about writing a term paper? Are you angry about driving in a strange city?
Are you afraid to try to relate to others?
Do you blame yourself severely for having sex problems?
Do you compulsively keep getting more and more
information about 1V sets before you decide to buy one?
Are you extremely fearful that the house you purchase will col- lapse or be burned down?
Do you mercilessly blame yourself for picking the wrong
partner
in a game?
Solving Reality Problems
97
Do you keep changing your school courses even after the term has begun?
Do you agonize over choosing a suit or dress to wear to a party? Do you do nothing about choosing a career?
Do you try one exercise program after another and quit before it really gets under way?
If you are anxious, ashamed, depressed, or enraged about your practical problems or if you are indecisive, phobic, or compulsive about making decisions, look for your dogmatic demands-for your shoulds, oughts, and musts, and for your awfulizing, self-downing, and I-can't-stand-it-itis
that
accompany them. For example:
"I must get a good job and have to keep it when I dol"
"My speech must come off marvelously! It would be shameful if they laugh at me when I give it!"
"I should have played that golf game better! What a hopelessly rotten athlete I ami"
"Writing that damned term paper ought to be easier! I
can't stand the hassle of doing it! I'll do it later!"
city
"These blasted
streets should be laid out
better, with much clearer signs! How awful that they are giving me needless trouble!" "I must get the very best 1V set for the if
money! I can't bear it
I
get gypped!"
"Suppose something dreadful happens to a house after I purchase it! I must have a guarantee that everything will be all
it!"
right with
''I'l never forgive myself if I pick the wrong partner for this game. What a complete idiot I would be!"
"I must have the best course and the best teacher. It would be horrible ifl wasted my time in this course. Ifl don't change it right away, even though it's against the school rules, I'm a perfect wimp!"
"If I choose the wrong suit or dress for this party and people laugh at me for picking it, I might as well kill myselfl"
"Every possible career I choose has too many hassles that go with it. I can't bear any career with so many hassles!"
"I shouldn't have to keep exercising but should be perfectly healthy without doing it!"
In
Actively dispute your s
sh i
ou g
htld s and musts, your awfulizing, your can't-stand-it-itis, and your self-downing. For example:
Disputing: "Why must I get a good job and where is it written that I have to keep it when I do?" Answer: "I don't
have to get or keep a good job, but very much want to. So I'll keep pushing to get one."
Disputing: "Where is it written that my speech must come off marvelously? How would it be shameful if they laugh at me when I give it?" Answer: "It is not written anywhere-except in the foolish scripts I write for myselfl It would be unfortunate if they laughed at me when I gave it, but only my speech would be bad and I would not be a bad, incompetent, shameful
person.
Disputing: "Why should I have played that golf game better? How does playing it badly make me a hopelessly rotten athlete?" Answer: "No reason why I should or must play it better, but it would be great if I did! It only shows that I was rotten at playing golf this time and not that I never would be good at playing it or at any other sport!"
Disputing: 'Prove that doing the term paper ought to be
easier. In what way can't I stand the hassle of doing it?"
Answer: "Doing the paper ought to be just as bad as it is. For that's the way it is right now. I don't like the hassle of doing it but I'll like even less the hassles that stem from not doing it.
So back to the drawing board!"
Disputing: "Show why the blasted city streets should be laid out better, with much clearer signs. Is it really awful that it's giving me this much trouble?" Answer: "I can only show that it would be lovely if the city streets were laid out better and had much clearer signs. But I cannot show that this is
necessary, because if it were these streets would be laid out to suit me. Obviously, the city plan- ners do not care the way I want them to care. Tough! But I can still find my way around!"
Disputing: "Must I really get the best TV set for the money? Can't I bear it ifl get gypped?" Answer: "No, I clearly don't have to get the best set for the money. I can end up with an inferior one. And if I actually get gypped and end up with an inferior set, I can still get a lot of pleasure out of it. That would be too bad-but it would still be more good than bad.
And if I don't take the risk and
Solving Reality Problems
99
buy one of the sets available, I'll never enjoy TV at all! So rd better choose one!"
Disputing: "Do I really need a guarantee that everything will be all right with any house that I purchase? Will the world come to an
end if something dreadful happens to it?" Answer: "No, it would be
great if I had such a guarantee-but guarantees like that simply
don't exist. All I can get is a high degree of probability that any house I purchase will last a long time in spite of all the things that could happen to it. And even if the house somehow gets demol- ished, my life will go on and I can still enjoy it."
Disputing: "Can I forgive myself if I pick the wrong partner for this game and consequently we lose the match? Would picking the wrong partner make me an idiot?" Answer: "Of course I can forgive myself for making a poor choice of a partner. That would be a foolish act but it would hardly make me a totally stupid person. Since I am fallible, I will often make foolish choices, but I will not
always make them or be damnable for making them. I can decide to accept myself, if not my poor decisions, and thereby prepare myself to
learn and make better decisions in the
future."
Disputing: "Do I real y have to take the best course and have the best teacher? Does it truly make me a wimp if I don't rebel against the school rules and make them change my courses?"
Answer:
"No, it is obviously unnecessary for me to take the best course and to have the best teacher, though that would be higlfty desirable. H I go along with the school rules and don't make them change my course I won't be acting wimpishly but merely will be following nonnal restrictions. And even if I do act weakly, that never makes me a total wimp or a weak person."
Disputing: "Why does every possible career I choose have too many hassles that go with it? Where is the evidence that I can't bear any career with so many hassles?" Answer: "Just about any career I choose will have many hassles but not too
many. Because it is the nature of careers to have hassles-they all dol Too bad- but unless I accept such hassles I'll end up with no career-and thus have worse problems! I may never
like the difficulties of a ca- reer I choose, but I definitely can
stand them. And I'd damned well better do so-if I want any career at all!"
Once you find your irrational Beliefs (iBs) that interfere with your solving your practical problem and from making good deci- sions, then go back to these original problems and do your best to
In
solve them. Some pr s
obl i
em g
ht-s olving skills you can use are these:
State a problem as clearly as you can. For
example: What shall I do to get a good job?
What step had I better take first?
What steps shall I take next?
Who should I consult about getting a good
job? Can any of my friends possibly help me?
What kind of a resume-or several resumes-shall I
write? How can I get help with my resumes?
Shall I let my past employers know I am looking, to be fully sure they give me good references?
What shall I do to have better job
interviews? Etcetera.
Write down a good many problem-solving questions, such
as these, on any practical problems you wish to solve. Then outline- and preferably put on paper-your answers. Then make a plan to act on and to implement these ideas. Then follow this plan-yes, push yourself to follow this plan.
H everything goes well, fine. Continue to solve your practical problems and issues. If you don't follow your plan, or follow it poorly, or get upset about the results of following it, assume that you have some emotional difficulties about your practical difficulties-and go back to the ABCs of RET, again, to see what they are and how you can deal with them. As you keep resolving your emotional problems, go back, once again, to your practical questions to work out, as above, solutions for them. Keep shuttling back and forth from your practical to your emotional and once again your practical problems. And don't expect any perfect or super- marvelous solutions. For that silly expectation will only enhance your emotional dilemmas and make everything much worse!
RET
12
Exercise No.
In
You cannot very well sol s
ve p i
r g
htacti cal problems or make good decisions without taking some risks. Typical risks are: Taking too long to sol
ve a problem or make a decisio11.
Solving Reality Problems
101
Spending too much time and energy to solve it or decide on a solution.
Taking too little time and trouble to plan and decide what to do.
Picking the wrong decision and having to live with it.
Doing well with your practical problems at first and later failing at them.
Finding a fairly good solution but not a great one which you would really like to find.
Ifyou tend to be overconcerned about solving a problem or mak- ing a decision and to take too much time and energy with it, free yourself to take the risk of planning and deciding on it more quickly. Thus, give yourself a limited amount of time to make up your job resume, to get a list of people to send it to, to send out letters to these people, and to start going on job interviews. Don't prepare too much. Take the chance that you may do poorly. Show yourself that you can learn by your errors and probably do better next time.
If, when you force yourself to plan and decide on some important tasks quickly, you refuse to do so or you achieve this goal and upset yourself because your plans and decisions are not good enough, fill out a RET Self-Help Form about your emotional prob- lem. Such as the following pages.
RET SELF-HELP FORM
Institute for Rational-Emotive
Therapy
4S East
6Sth Street,
New York.
N.Y. 10021
(212) S3S-
0822
(A) ACTIVATING EVENTS. thoughts, or feelings that happened just before I felt emotionally disturbed or acted self-defeatingly: _
&ol
L..e,'b
k tLt.. !.l
J
t e>
-.. b
""f':a!:l1 Ot«
a(t lv 41 v
I
I.J -
I
. 1 \)
----
to·dv
(C) CONSEQUENCE or COflii'DmON-disturbed feeling or self-defeating behavior-that I produced and would like to change: ---
:
-
a,. /;- \"_
;--
A.J) X.t =t--t.
"
"'
.
..
(B) BELIEFS-Irrational BELIEFS (IBs) leading
(E) EFFECTIVE RATIONAL BELIEFS
(D) DISPL"TES for each circled
to my CONSEQUENCE (emotional IRRATIONAL BELIEF.
( RBs) to replace my IRRATIONAL
"
disturbance or self-defeating behavior).
Examples: "Why MUST I do very
BELIEFS
Circle all that apply to these well?"
(
""
AC TIVATING
"Where is it written that Iam a BAD PER- IBs).
EVENTS
SON?" "Where is the evidence that I MUST be
Examples: "I'd PREFER to do very well but I
(A).
approved or accepted?"
don't HAVE TO." "I am a PERSON WHO
acted badly, not a BAD PERSON." "There
is no evidence that I HAVE TO be approved
S T do well or very Wcli0
....b······-t----T-... !:.............· · · · · ·]· .N.o...t-. - · - .!.::::-.
:t P. rh...
'J
2. I am a BAD OR WORTHLESS PERSON
................................................................ r- !.1!- .t:"...tt.l -·-·q' - !. .1-
when I act weakly or stupidly.
.?... :_
3. I MUST be approved or accepted by people I
find imponant!
4. I am a BAD. UNLOVABLE PERSON if I get
rejected.
S. People MUST treat me fairly and
give me what I NEED!
..........................................................
6. People who act immorally are
undeserving, ROTTEN PEOPLE!
"
'1:1
7. People MUST Jive up to my expectations
or it is TERRIBLE!
8. My life MUST have few major hassles or ...t?. e>. Jr....rt...t. . - !l-· ·--h. k .J.'D ....t ..N.l>.,..1 :t.-.W.tJ..Y.l....b:ch!-: lyJ
-
....h Y.·"··· - ...h. .'!: .L - .'1:. ......... . B.H.'!...!T.... .:e .\t}f... .'!.
....U..
............................................................
..J.h . ..-
..J . .Jt.t .
1-- - L
-
9. I CAN'T STAND really bad things or very
difficult people!
tOVER)
.-.---
'J: ...h. .t:". .J.f>.J.t
. .Y,.l. .bf... - -· ·
........*.....N...
c.:·I··-·
t's- ·
AWFUL or HORRIBLE when major H
.......... .
...\.....
...
things don't go my way!
. . . ...........................................................
f.. .r. i:J•••••
!....J.':. .... ..:t...... ..............................
,........................................................................................................
..........................
..
II. I CAN'T STAND IT when life is really
unfair!
12. I NEED to
be loved by someone who mat-
ters to me a lot!
). 1N
tion a
EED a good deal of immediate gratifica ....U0...2...N. - --.....f.tt...............!.... . .t.-.:.t .. ».J.'f...
1':tP.Y.fJ.y...
nd HAVE TO feel miserable when I don't ......................................................... l.....W.'?r:.t?.::L ... -
· · ....................... .
. . . .... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ......
. . . .... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ...... ......
.....
Additional Irrational Beliefs:
.... .\:(. ....l.s...::t:k..). ...J
- l .. -- -- · · · · (. ...t\.y.... .. . .' }........
14. 1: "-()"' ' "t.
a.\\"t"
................................................................... h .?!).. :.'J.:....
-
t
"t-o
...
......
····l- 1 . -- - - !. f.!.:;..-... . -r.......
"
\ \Jic.\ .It i\!>\\.,.s.
....Th!-...
"t\\\
lA.uu'\ '""
t1 •• ••••
l..."'
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,..
t1
( .c;t
WL--\\.
........
15.
......T. - --' ·f.· ·-················· ..·········
........................................................
16.
:···l·······......................... ·············.......·····
...R
\y......t!-. T...U.!...........:......
1k_, ·b :t.
.'!. .!t.,...
...
:).' =-.t..ft...
...............................
................................
T•o...._ Kvs.t" . .V.tY.S...b. . f..O. .t-J .,.1
-Tut--..., ov 1w .l\.
.....
.................................................................. :l>. .1. :.. .tt . - .1. . :r: ........
17
....................................······--..···.................... ·""·A>. .t..- . - ······...............
. . . . . . . . . . .. .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .A • • • • • • • • • • • • •
. . . . . . . . . . .. .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. . .. .. . .. . .. . .., .,
............
e
,................................ -. · ··········· . .········································-
n
·················
0
1
e
8.
-
• ...... ... ... ... ...,
..... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ». ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .
.
t
•••• • • • •• • • • •• • • • •• • •
.., ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
' l<
..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
\
:r'
(F) FEELINGS and BEHAVIORS I experienced after arriving at my EFFECTIVE RATIONAL BELIEFS: lJ t- N
Vl Ol "-
i>
(? 1- t-O+- b.\) L J":h.t
1J VI C. f(
J
L\•
i
J lo.J
I WILL WORK HARD TO REPEAT MY EFFECTIVE RATIONAL BELIEFS FORCEFULLY TO MYSELF ON MANY OCCASIONS SO
THAT I CA.l\i MAKE MYSELF LESS DISTURBED NOW AND ACT LESS SELF-DEFEATINGLY IN THE FUTURE.
.
Joyce Sichel. Ph.D. and Albert Ellis.
....
Ph.D.
©
Copyright
1984 by the Institute for Rational-
Emotive Therapy.
CHAPTER
13 Insight No. 8: Changing Thoughts
by Acting Against
Them
As I noted in the previous chapter, you are influenced by your so· cial groups, your environment, and your own body.
But, if you would really understand yourself and your emotional problems, you had better also see that your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all affect each other.
In my first major paper on RET, which I presented in 1956
and published in the journal of General Psychology, I stated that hu- mans rarely, if ever, have pure thoughts, emotions, or behaviors. Feelings include thoughts and actions, and they are also followed by thoughts about your emotions.
Particularly when you have steady feelings-as when you hate someone for years-you prolong and keep reviving these feelings by thinking, imagining, and rating what you and others do.1
Roberto was beaten by his father when he was fifteen and in· sisted that the pain of the beating and the fact that it was done in front of one of his friends clearly caused him to feel enraged at his father and humiliated before his friend. But Roberto was wrong- because some boys, under the same conditions, would have felt anxious instead of enraged and defiant rather than ashamed. So Roberto very likely created his rage and shame by thinking, within a few seconds of being beaten by his father:
1. "That bastard shouldn't beat me like this, especially when I haven't done anything wrong!"
2. "My friend must think I am a weakling for letting my father beat me. I shouldn't be so weak! How shameful it is for me to let
father get away with this unfair
beating!"
107
108 Insight
No. 8
Roberto didn't remember, when I saw him fourteen years later, thinking anything like this-and sometimes insisted that he auto· matically, without any thinking on his part, became angry and ashamed because of his father's unfair beating in front of his friend. I showed him that we rarely feel without thinking, and he partially accepted this.
He was much more convinced when I showed him that he had kept alive his feelings with hate-creating thoughts like: "How
could my father have been so cruel and unjust to me when I was in no position to fight him back? He shouldn't have done an awful thing like that! That bastard!" And, every time he contacted his parent, he continued to upset himself with thoughts like, "Even though I was much smaller and weaker than he at that time, I should have done my best to bite him, kick him in the balls, or do something to top him! How shameful that I didn't!"
Moral: pure feelings rarely, ifever, exist. And even ifthey do-if
you see an object Hying at you and you immediately, without a thought, feel panicked-your feelings last for a few seconds and do not develop into real disturbances. Unless you then have irrational Beliefs about them. Such as: "Hell! That object almost killed me-as it must not dol" Or: "I shouldn't be panicked! How foolish of me to panic like this!"
So whenever you feel emotionally upset, look for your
musturbatory thinking that is at the bottom of your upsetness-- track down your silly demands and strive to change them.
But, says RET, just as your thoughts create feelings and behaviors, the latter also affect your thinking. When Roberto raged at his father, he could hardly think straight and he
"unthinkingly" did foolish things-such as stubbornly refusing to lend his father rent money and thereby harming his mother, whom he loved.
So thoughts, feelings, and behaviors interact with and circularly affect each other. Crazy ideas create frantic feelings and strange acts. Hysterical feelings bring on foolish notions and behaviors. Rash actions produce nutty convictions and insane deeds. Thoughts, moreover, lead to other thoughts,
feelings to new feel· ings, actions to different actions. The influence of thoughts, emo- tions, and activities on each other never seems to stop!
Suppose you want to change your obsessions, compulsions, pho· bias, and addictions. What then? Well, no one method will work for you all of the time. Sometimes using one philosophy to rid
In
yourself 1
of your anxiety will s
wor i
k- g
hta nd sometimes it won't.
Often, fully expressing your feelings will considerably help you-and of- ten deliberately av
oiding your feelings, and
instead distracting yourself with some intellectual pursuit, will serve you better. At times, you will best ward off disturbances by trying every thera- peutic method you can think of-th e long and the short and the tall!
Give up any prejudices about which technique should or
must work. Freely experiment! Try almost any treatment plan that seems sound for a reasonable length of time. But don't necessarily stick with it forever. You are not any seeker after help, or an aver age troubled person. You are you-and what goes for, or against, you is not the same as what is good or bad for anyone else. Remem- ber that as you go about your self-therapy experiments.
So there practically never is one and only one helpful way. According to RET, you can often find one main, most elegant path to undo your neurotic difficulties. That is, make a profound change in
your thinking that will curtail your upsetness, keep it from coming back, and prevent you from manufacturing new emotional prob- lems in the future.
Fine: let us for the moment grant this. Even then, there is no one way for you to produce this new dramatic outlook. Many roads lead to Rome!
As I pointed out in 1962 in Reason and Emotion in Psychother
apy, and as Joseph Wolpe, Hans Eysenck, Isaac Marks, Albert Bandura, Stanley Rachman, and other behavior therapists later as- serted, sometimes the best-or indeed the only-way to change a fixed idea is to force yourself to act against it: to engage in live homework assignments. This kind of forced-yes, forced-activity may show you that you can surrender an obsessive, compulsive, or frightful belie£ 1 Similarly, if you work directly on your feelings, and vividly experience and express them, you may more thor- oughly change your crooked thoughts than by directly disputing these irrational Beliefs. 2
Let us, then, state Insight No. 8: You can change irrational
Be liefs (iBs) by acting against them: by perfonning behaviors
that contradict them.
In fact, it is doubtful if you ever truly change an irrational Belief until you literally act (and act many times) against it.
Similarly, you
practically never pe C
rma ha
ngn ien n
tly stop your compulsive
behaviors un
In
1til you thi snk iab g
htout changing them and decide to do so-again and again!
Some psychologists hav e spread the tale that RET was at first
purely intellectual and that it only later added behavioral methods. Fiction! I was a cognitive-behavioral sex therapist in 1943 when I
first started to do psychotherapy and I wrote pioneering papers on
active-directive sex therapy in the 1940s and 1950s, and summa- rized some of this material in my 1954 book, The
American Sexual Tragedywhich was denounced by many passive Freudian and Rogerian therapists. 3 Although I largely abandoned behavioral methods when I practiced psychoanalysis between 1949 and 1953, I found psychoanalysis incredibly inefficient and therefore went back to cognitive-behavioral methods in 1953, as I was beginning to create RET.
My strong bias in favor of behavior therapy stemmed from my successful experiments with myself when I was nineteen years old and had no idea of becoming a therapist. I often tell the story of how, being unusually shy of speaking in public, I forced myself, for three months, to give many political talks.
I told myself, following several philosophers, that nothing terri- ble would happen to me if I spoke badly. I followed the teachings of the pioneer behavior therapist, John B. Watson, who showed that active reconditioning, or forcing yourself to keep doing what you are afraid of doing, really rids you of irrational fears.4 So I expected-intellectuallyl-to overcome my fear of public speak- ing. And I did.
However-surprise, surprise!-! unexpectedly began to enjoy
speaking in public, and have had fun doing it for over fifty years.
To my astonishment, I made a hundred and eighty degree turnabout of my extreme fear.
Seeing that forcing myself to do uncomfortable things worked, I decided to do the same with my enormous fear of meeting new women. Because of my terrible fear of rejection, I never-and I mean never-approached strange women, although I went to walk and read in the Bronx Botanical Gardens about 250 days a year and saw a number of desirable women with whom I was eager to talk and date, and who also seemed to be flirting with me.
So I gave myself C
the ha
nga icti n
vity homework assignment of talking
to every young woman I found sitting alone on one of the park benches. No exceptions! No cop-outs!
1
Alt 2
houg
In
h very fearful and s
unco i
m g
htfo rtable, I forced myself to carry out this assignment-made myself open a conversation with over one hundred women
in a sing
le month. Yes, one
hundred
..stranger" encounters-the kind I had always wanted to make but
had fearfully avoided up to that
time. I received no direct reward from these pick-ups-since only one of these one hundred females made a date with me and she never showed up!-but I completely overcame my fear of encountering strange women, and have easily been able to talk to them for the rest of my life. For by getting rejected so many times, I saw that nothing dreadful happened-no name-calling, no vomiting and running away and screaming, no calling a cop!
And I concluded that I could talk to strange women, fail to date them, and stil lead a highly enjoyable existence.
I also saw that behavioral methods-particularly acting
against one's fears-often work better to change irrational Beliefs than do purely intellectual methods. And when I later found that psycholoanalysis helped my clients very little and that talking them out of their irrational Beliefs (iBs) helped much more, I also realized that there are many ways of changing human attitudes-and
that actively doing-what-you-are-scared-witless-of-doing is one of the best.
So, from its start, RET has always included a variety of thinking, affective, and action methods. Over the years, it has added many therapy techniques, but it was decidedly multimodal (to use Arnold Lazarus's term) from the start.5
Ironically, although the outstanding behavior therapist, Joseph Wolpe, has consistently opposed "cognitive" therapy, his famous
systematic desensitization technique uses imagination, teaching, and other forms of thinking. RET, however, prefers more risk- taking activity homework assignments and is therefore rrwre behavioral than many popular behavior therapies.
In the case of Roberto, noted at the beginning ofthis chapter, he agreed to often do the homework of Disputing his irrational Beliefs that his father absolutely should not have beaten him
Changing
1
when he was a child and th
at he positively ought not hav
e
been a "weakling" who let his father get away with these beatings. I also helped him devise and carry out two activity homework assignments: (1) Keep talking to his father regularly instead of (as he had been doing) completely avoiding him.
(2) Stand up to him in a firm but
12
In
unhostile manner ins s
te i
ad g
htof backing down or screaming at him (as he had usually done before).
As a result of this combi
ned thinking and behavioral RET
ap- proach, Roberto gave up his rage toward his father and himself within a period of seven weeks. He continues to work on being tolerant and self-accepting several years after his therapy sessions ended.
RET Exercise No. 13
Think of something you are irrationally afraid of doing, such as: Speaking poorly in public.
Writing an inadequate essay or report.
Drawing badly.
Being rejected by someone you care for.
Riding in a fast elevator.
Breaking into an ongoing
conversation. Dancing in public.
Talking to strangers.
Taking a difficult course.
Being laughed at by
others. Playing a game or
sport badly.
Force yourself to do one of the things that you most fear and try to do it many times in rapid succession. Once you decide to do it, don't hesitate, or cop out. Do it and do it and do it!
While you are doing this "fearful" thing, show yourself that it is not really dangerous or fearful. Show yourself that: You will hardly die of doing it.
You wil be in no real physical
danger. You may come to enjoy it.
You can learn by doing it.
You will add to your life by conquering your irrational fear. You will have the great challenge of overcoming it.
You will eliminate the endless restrictions and frustrations of indulging in your fear.
Changing Thoughts
113
You will be working at disciplining yourself and overcoming your low frustration tolerance.
You wil save time and energy by giving up your obsession with it.
You wil behave more efficiently as you overcome this fear. You wil gain more approval from others.
You wil help ward off physical and psychosomatic ailments, such as ulcers and high blood pressure.
You wil greatly reduce your negative feelings of anxiety, depres- sion, self-downing, and self-pity.
You will find life on the whole much more enjoyable.
RET Exercise No. 13A
You may not see that you irrationally fear or are anxious about cer- tain acts but see yourself, instead, as being ashamed, embarrassed, or humiliated to perform them. Thus, you may not see yourself as being "afraid'' to wear an unstylish dress or jacket or of telling someone about one of your weaknesses, but you may never do these things because you feel they are "shameful," "embarrassing,'' or "humiliating."
RET considers feelings of shame or humiliation illegitimate be- cause they almost always include a rational element-"! did some- thing people consider wrong or stupid, and I would not like them to disapprove of me for doing it"-and they also include an irra- tional or self-downing element-"Therefore, I am a rotten or stu- pid person."
To combat this second, irrational element of shame, I created, in the late 1960s, my famous shame-attacking exercise-which is de- signed to help people stop feeling irrationally ashamed of anything, even when they perform and are disapproved offor some silly, stu- pid, incompetent, weak, or foolish act.
To help you act against your irrational Beliefs and disturbed feelings, you can benefit from doing some shame-attacking exercises.
To do so, you select something that you personally feel is shameful or embarrassing to do in public. For example: Dress inappropriately.
114 Insight No. 8
Say something foolish to a group of people.
Confess some weakness that people usually despise, such as, "I can't spell well."
Act strangely, such as singing in the street or holding up a black umbrella on a sunny day.
Yell out the stops on a train or bus.
Tell someone that something is radically wrong with you, such as, "I just got out of the mental hospital. What month is this?" Say something that is unusually sexy, such as saying to a male or female companion in a loud voice so that others can hear,
"Wasn't it great that we had sex five times last night?"
Refuse to tip a waiter or cabdriver who has given you poor ser- vice.
Return food to the kitchen of a restaurant when it is badly done. Walk a banana on a leash, as if it is a pet dog.
Try to get a watch fixed in a shoe-repair shop.
Ask people for a left-handed monkey wrench.
When you do this act that you consider silly or shameful, make sure that, first, you do not get into any real trouble.
Don't for ex- ample, expose yourself publicly and risk getting arrested; and don't tell your boss he or she is a worm and risk getting fired.
Second, don't do anything that would harm someone else, such as slap someone in the face or keep bothering someone.
The main things to keep in mind, as you do this shame-attacking exercise, is to work on yourself while doing it so that you do not feel ashamed or humiliated even when others clearly disapprove of you. You can stubbornly refuse to feel ashamed by telling yourself such self-statements as these;
"So people think I am stupid or foolish. Too bad! Let them think
sol"
"Actually, by doing this ·shameful' act I am helping myself overcome my self-downing. And that is great!"
"What I am doing may well be foolish but that doesn't make me
a fool!"
"I am sorry that people think I am wrong for doing this thing,
but that is only a disadvantage and is hardly the end of the world!" "I know exactly why I am doing this act that I consider shameful, and therefore I can view it differently and see that it may be pecul-
Changing Thoughts 115
iar
I
but that doesn't mean that am a peculiar or
incompetent per son. Iam just a person who is choosing to act strangely in this in- stance."
Do this shame-attacking exercise and preferably do it many times until you feel thoroughly unashamed of doing it and even feel comfortable with it. Observe how your feelings and attitudes about
..shameful" acts distinctly change as you keep doing these exer- cises.
CH
APT
ER
14
Insight No. 9: Using Work and
Practice
In my book, Reason and Errwtion in Psychotherapy, I pointed out that RET includes three main insights, which are quite different from psychoanalytic insight. 1 The first two RET
insights are:
1. You largely upset yourself at point C (Consequences), and do not really get upset by others or by events, at point A (Activating
Events), and you do so by accepting or inventing irrational Beliefs (iBs).
2. No matter when, how, and why you originally made yourself anxious or depressed, you remain so today because you
stil con sciously or unconsciously hold iBs.
We have been talking about and expanding these RET
insights so far and have added the insight that although as a
child you were limited in your ability to see and change your irrational Beliefs, you now have considerable ability to do so-if you see and use the eight expanded insights discussed in the previous pages.
We now proceed to RET's original Insight No. 3, which in our expanded version we shall call Insight No. 9: No matter how
clearly you see that you upset yourself and make yourself
needlessly miser able, you rarely will improve except through
work and practice yes, considerable work and practiceto
actively change your disturbancecreating Beliefs and to
vigorously (and often uncom fortably) act against them.
Insight No. 9 presents the Achilles heel (and the Catch-22) of all
therapies, including RET. For it is easy for you to adopt and create self-defeating philosophies and to embed them into your actions and inactions. Damned easy! Because you tend to unconsciously and effurtlessly make yourself miserable. In fact, in addition to your self-actualizing tendencies, you have a fine talent for self- defeat. Alas!
Insight No. 9 of RET tells you that, yes-definitely, yes-you
117
118
9
Insight No.
can work to change your miserable thoughts, feelings and behav- iors. But it doesn't necessarily make it easy to do so!
However, Insight No. 9 at least gives you a good chance to change. For it clearly states that if you are willing to work and
practice--and to continue to work and practice--to surrender your irrational Beliefs and actions, you will most likely (I would say you are about 98 percent likely) to make yourself much less miserable.
Insight No. 9 shows how RET differs from most other awareness- oriented psychotherapies. For several cognitive therapies were de- vised before RET-for example, those of Pierre Janet, Emile Coue, Paul Dubois, and Alfred Adler.2
But these intellectual therapies fail to stress behavioral methods of changing personality. They often forget that to change your ideas, you had better persistently work at doing so-since you are born and reared to think crookedly and to unconsciously slip into rigid shoulds and musts. Even when you clearly see your musturbation and therefore give it up, you easily fall back, again and again, to dogmatic thinking.
Moreover, unless you repeatedly act against a phobic belief, you rarely eliminate it. If you are anxious about making friendly over- tures to someone and you avoid making them, every time you "es- cape" from this "fearful" situation, you unconsciously reinforce your phobia. By running away, you really tell yourself, whether or not you realize what you are thinking, "It would be awful if I were rejected! I must be sure I will be accepted before I try again." So you become more afraid.
On the other hand, if you keep making friendly overtures in spite of your horror of rejection, you usually see that nothing
"hor-
rible" happens, and you greatly help yourself overcome your phob
ia.
Ifwe wish to put most neurotic problems under two main head- ings, we can call them (1) ego disturbance (self-damning) and (2)
low frustration tolerance (LFT) or discomfort disturbance.
Ego dis- turbance arises when you strongly believe, "I must do well and win others' approval, and I am an inadequate, undeserving person when I don't do as well as I must." This is really grandiosity-since
you are demanding that you be special, outstanding,
of
perfect, wperhumanwhich,
course, you will rarely
bel Discomfort disturbance is also godlike, because the main philosophy behind it is: "Since I am such a special person who
needs to
1
In
have my main wants and s
int i
er g
htes ts gra
shes. If not,
tified, other people
must give me exactly what I desire and conditions must be nicely arranged to cater to my wi
it's awful, I can't
stand it, and life is hardly worth livingl"3
So one major idea leading to discomfort disturbance is: "My life
must be easy and people have to give me everything I truly crave."
This can then lead to a related irrational Belief: "In order to make my life completely satisfying, I must always do well and
have to win the love of all significant people all the time!"
These ideas create low frustration tolerance (LFT). But they also involve ego because they insist that "I must have an easy life,
I must be perfect, and people and conditions should always cater to me, me, me, mel"
Why is LFT so important in therapy? Because no matter how you originally disturb yourself, when you know you are upset, know your upsetting Beliefs, know what you can probably do about them, and still refuse to work at upsetting yourself, you almost al- ways are a victim of your own LFT. Ifyou know, for example, that you feel uncomfortable going for job interviews and, especially, be- ing turned down for a job; and ifyou realize that you have irrational Beliefs that escalate your discomfort and pain into great anxiety, you can overcome your anxiety by using RET to strongly convince yourself that you can stand being rejected and that your discomfort is inconvenient but hardly
awful. B11t you will have to work hard at convincing yourself of these sane ideas when you forcefully believe the crazy ones.
You had better, therefore, use your knowledge of how to change your ideas that create your anxiety; and you had better
keep work ing at using it until you overcome your anxiety and rarely bring it back. You had also better force yourself, no matter how uncomfort- able you are, to go on many job interviews, until you become less and less panicked about them.
When you indulge in your anxiety instead of making real efforts to overcome it, you are giving in to your LFT or discomfort disturbance. And when you temporarily make yourself
unanxious but then refuse to keep doing so, you are also indulging in LFf.
Low frustration tolerance, then, often leads to anxiety and de- pression. But even more often it encourages you to maintain your disturbed feelings when you could let them go.
Using
To reduce LFT, yo W
u had be o
tter r
m k
ake
d yourself do many diffic ult
tasks now, pronto, no matter how you feel about doing them.
1
In
Do, don't stew! And d s
on' i
t g
htwai t unt
To try to ove
il you feel in the mood to
do so. Strike while the spirit is cold!
Isn't this Catch-22:
rcome your LFT-which
stems
from the idea that working to overcome it shouldn't require real effort-by pushing your rump to do "overly" hard things?
Yes, it is.
But don't forget that Catch-22 stems from an idea in your head and doesn't really exist in itself. And if it is mainly a thought-RET clearly says-you can overcome it by debating and Disputing itl
The contradiction leading to Catch-22 about LFT is: 1. "'I shouldn't have to work very hard to get what J want, even though I will benefit in the long run by doing so. It's too
hard to really work for my own happiness. I need immediate gratification ...
2. The only way to get over my LFT and become a long-range.
sane hedonist is to work hard to overcome my prejudice against working hardl
The rational answer that you can use to overcome this paradox is: 'Yes, it's quite hard to work to get what I want and to delay imm diate gratification in order to derive future pleasure. But it's con- siderably harder if I don't! Short-range gain will often bring me long-lived pain in the future! Too bad-but that's the way it often is. Sure I have to exert myself to overcome my LFT- but I'll re- quire more effort, leading to prolonged pain if I don't overcome
ti
., ''Nobody promised me a rose garden. IfI insist that they do, I'll only end up with extra thorns!"
Back to RET's Insight No. 9. Almost always there's no way but
work and practice-w-o-r-k and p-r-a-c-t-i-c-e-to eradicate, and to keep away your emotional misery. Insight by itself is not enough. Nor will you get too far by merely acknowledging and ex- pressing your feelings.
You had better also challenge and Dispute your irrational Beliefs a thousand times. Arrive at rational Beliefs and forcefully get them
into your he Us
ad a tho i
us n
and g
time
Work
d s. Get in touch wi th, feel,
and sometimes express your feelings a thousand times. Act against your disturbed thoughts and emotions a thousand times. And the
n, if necessary, a thousand more times! For
many months, sometimes for years. Sometimes, off and on, for the rest of your life!
We can state Insight No. 9 differently: There is no magical, easy way of changing yourself. Optimism and hope won't do it, Prayer
In
sig
and supplication won't do it. ht
Getting supp
ort and love from
others won't do it. Even reading this book won't do it! All these things may help you feel better. Some of them will show you what to do to get better. But in the final analysis, only you
can make yourself change. You and the persistent work you do. Work? Yes, work!
You can stop feeling severely anxious, depressed, and otherwise miserable by employing RET principles of work and practice in two main ways:
1. Use several thinking, feeling, and action RET techniques-such as those explained in this book and other RET writings.
Give each one a fair chance. If one doesn't work, use another, and another, and another! And if one does work, keep trying some of the
other RET techniques,
too.
2. Keep using each RET method many times. Even when one of them-such as singing rational human songs to yourself-works beautifully for a while, employ it again and again until you sink its message into your head and into your bones.
Overlearn it. And from time to time, keep reviewing it-lest you forget, lest you for- get!
Pablo, a forty-year-old travel agent, understood the principles and practice of RET very well, and frequently used them with his close friends and with the volunteers at my regular Friday night Workshop in Problems of Daily Living, to whom he often gave ex- cellent rational suggestions after I interviewed them about their emotional problems. But whenever Pablo made himself very angry at others-which was several times a week-he let his rage boil for over an hour, sometimes for the entire day, before he used RET to overcome it and allow himself to go back to writing the great Amer- ican play.
Because of his knowledge of RET, Pablo knew how he created his fury with irrational Beliefs: "People shouldn't act so damned stupidly! What hopeless idiots they are!" And:
"My wife, who keeps saying that she loves me, must not be so selfish and uncaring! What a rotten hypocrite she is!"
Pablo also often recognized his secondary disturbance and the irrational Beliefs behind it. He knew that he hated himself
Using Work and
when- ever he had a furio
1
us outburst at others. And he tracke d
down his self-damning ideas: "I should know better than to bring on this childish rage! What a fool I am for not using RET
to eliminate it! How disgusting!"
In
In spite of his insight s
int i
o g
htho w he
kept needlessly enraging
and downing himself, Pablo frequently indulged in both these misera- ble feelings-and kept ruining his playwriting and his relation- ships. On several occasions, he got into fistfights with ..horribly stupid" people. His wife kept leaving him because of his outbursts against her and others. And his plays never got finished. Still he refused to use RET to overcome his rage and self-hatred.
After many failures to do his RET homework, Pablo worked out the following plan with his therapy group:
For one month, he would devote at least two hours a day to using-not merely understanding but using-RET. He would es- pecially work at fully accepting himself no matter how many times
he foolishly enraged himself against others:
1. He would spend at least ten minutes every day actively Disputing his irrational Beliefs, ..I should know better than to bring on this foolish rage! What a fool I am for not using RET to eliminate it! How disgusting!"
2. He would persist at this Disputing until he fully accepted himself with his foolish behavior.
3. He would very strongly repeat to himself, at least fifteen times each day, the rational Belief, ..Because I am a fallible human,
I will often act stupidly and at times continue to foolishly enrage myself. Too damned bad!"
4. He would make a list of the disadvantages of damning himself for anything, and read and think about this list at least five times
each day.
5. He would do at least one RET shame-attacking
exercise daily-force himself to do what he considered a
..shameful" or "stu- pid" act in public (such as singing at the top of his lungs in the sub- way) and work at notyes, not-feeling humiliated or downed
when he did it.
6. He would sing to himself several times a day one of the ra- tional humorous songs which rips up perfectionism and self- downing, such as these songs:•
PERFECT RATIONAUTY
(Tune, Luigi Denza, Funiculi, Funicula)
Using Work and
Some thi
direction,
1
nk the world must have a right
And so do II And so do II
Some think that, with the slightest imperfection
Using Work and
1
23
They
can't get
by-and so
do II
For I, I
have to
prove I'm
su
mpaenr,h
u
And
better far
than
paerop
e! le
To show
I have
m
u isr aculo
acumen-
And
arlw
a a
te ys
among
th
G e
r eat.
Perfect,
perfect
rationalit
y
Is,
co o
u fr se,
the only
thing fur
mel How
1
Insight
ca
thni nI kev
o er
f
being
If I must live
fal ibly?
Rationality
must be a
perfect thing for
mel
BEAUTIFUL HANGUP
(Tune,
Stephen
Foster, Beautiful Dreamer)
Beautiful
hangup, why
should we part
When we
have shared
our whole
lives from
the start?
We are so
used to
taking one
course
Oh, what
a crime it
would be
to
divorce!
Beautiful
hangup,
don't go
away!
Who will
befriend
Using Work and
1
me if you
25
do not
stay?
Though you
still make
me look
likLe
y iva
ouinje
g
w rk,
w
o i
ul tdh ou
takt e
so much work!
Living without
you would take
so much work!
I AM BAD, OH SO BAD!
(Tune, Anton
Dvorak, Going Home,
from The New World Symphony)
I am bad,
oh so bad,
just a
worthless
cadi Oh,
my gad!
Let me
1
Insight
add: I'm so
bad it's
sad! I'm so
bad I
deserve
every ugly
twist!
I'm so
bad I've a
nerve
even to
Using Work and
1
27
exist! I'm
so bad
that I'm
clad in
pure
vil ainy!
Oh, I'm
so bad,
you egad
Must take
care of mel
Y
taes
ke,
ca
ofr e
mel
Yes,
ta
c ke
are
of mel
1
Insight
(Lyrics by Albert
Ellis, copyright @
1977 to 1980 by
Institute
for
Rational-Emotive
T herapy)
As he worked-
and
worked
and worked!-
on
his
secondary
symptom
of
damning
himself for his
Using Work and
1
29
rage and for
not trying hard
enough to give
up his fury,
Pablo
also
worked on his
primary symp-
tom of rage. He
took
his
irrational
1
Insight
Beliefs that
people be
shouldn't
Using Work and
1
31
so stupid and
that his wife must
be less selfish
and
more
caring
and
(with the help
of his therapy
group) planned
these
RET
1
Insight
homework
assignments:
He spent at
1.
least ten
minutes a day
actively and
vigorously
Disput
ing his
irration
al
Beliefs.
He forceful y
2.
told
himself
rational coping
statements, at
least
fifteen
times a day,
such
as:
"People often
should
act
stupidly-
because that is
Using Work and
1
their nature!"
33
"My wife wil
be at times
selfish
and
uncaring-and
has a perfect
right to be
more
interested
in
herself than in
mel"
He penalized
3.
himself
by
burning
a
hundred dol ar
bil every time
he got into a
fistfight
with
1
Insight
someone and
every time he
screamed at his
wife.
He practiced
4.
rational
emotive
imagery
at
least once a day
by
imagining
Using Work and
1
35
that
people
were
real y
acting stupidly,
letting himself
feel very angry
about this, and
then working
on feeling only
disap- pointed
and frustrated,
1
Insight
but
angry,
not
about
their
stupid
behavior.
He sang to
5.
himself every
day-and real y
thought about-
several rational
humorous
Using Work and
1
37
songs
poking
fun at feelings
of anger, such
as these two
popular songs,
to which I have
put
new
rational lyrics:
LOVE ME, LOVE ME, ONLY ME!
(Tune, Yankee Doodle)
Love me,
love me,
1
Insight
only me or
I'l die
without
you! Make
your love a
guarantee,
so can never
I
doubt you!
Love me,
love me
totally;
Using Work and
1
39
really, really
try, dear;
But if you
demand
love, too, I'l
hate you till
die, dear!
I
Love me,
love me all
the time,
thoroughly
1
Insight
and whol y;
Life turns
into slush
and slime
'less you
love me
solely! Love
me with
great
tenderness,
Using Work and
1
41
with no ifs or
buts, dear.
If you love me
somewhat less
I'l hate your
goddamned
g uts, dear!
GLORY, GLORY HALLELUJAH!
(Tune, Battle Hymn of the Republic)
Mine eyes have
seen the glory of
relationships
that glow
And then falter
by
as lth
o e
ve w
p aysi
ssi d
o e
n s
come-and go!
I've heard of
great
romances
where there is
no slightest
lull- But I am
skeptical!
1
Insight
Glory, glory,
hal elujah!
People love ya
till they screw
yal If you'd
cushion how
they do ya, then
don't expect
they won't!
Using Work and
1
43
Glory, glory Hal elujah! People cheer ya-then pooh-pooh yal If you'd soften how they screw ya,
Then don't expect they won't!
(Lyrics by Albert El is, copyright © 1977 by Institute for RationalEmotive Therapy)
Pablo did a good job of carrying out these thinking, feeling, and activity assignments. And when at times he failed to do his RET homework, he worked hard at refusing to blame himself for failing. He only criticized his performance but not his self,
his totality.
As a result of this RET homework program, Pablo cut down his temper tantrums to a few times a month. Whenever he did have them, he quickly admitted that he had upset himself and indulged
in his rage for only five or ten minutes. Then he found his irrational
demands that made him angry and succeeded in actively Disputing and surrendering them in a few minutes. He occasionally slipped and let himself rage for an hour or more.
But he usually continued his outbursts for no more than ten minutes-and often for only two or three.
Pablo was very happy about the time and energy he saved by his anti-anger program. He no longer wasted hours indulging in his rages and his sulking, and he was able to devote much more time
every week to writing his
play.
You wil find no panacea when you work and practice at changing your self-sabotaging ideas and behaviors. Telling yourself that you
must work hard at therapy and have to keep practicing RET can even be harmful. And seeing how you upset yourself and how you can stop doing so is not enough. Using RET and forcefully striving to minimize your misery is the key. Not a magical but a practical key to stubbornly refusing to make yourself miserable about any· thing. Yes, anything!
1
Insight
RET
14
Exercise No.
For the exercise, you can write out an RET sheet for Disputing lr· rational Beliefs (DIBS), the instructions for which are given in A New Guide for Rational Living and in a separate pamphlet on
..Techniques for Disputing Irrational Beliefs," issued by the Insti· tute for Rational-Emotive Therapy. 1 To do this, take one of your
Using Work and
1
45
irrational Beliefs (iBs) and ask yourself several important challeng- ing questions about it, until you really give it up and strongly believe-and feel that it is false.
The questions that you use in DIBS are these:
1. What irrational Belief (iB) do I want to Dispute and surren- der?
2. Can I rationally prove this Belief?
3. What evidence can I find to disprove this Belief?
4. Does any evidence exist for the truth of this Belief?
5. What are the worst things that could actually happen to me if
Igive up this Belief and act against
it?
6. What good things could happen or could I make happen if I give up this Belief?
Ifyou have low frustration tolerance about doing RET and work- ing hard and persistently at it until you begin to change your dis- turbed thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, you might use this DIBS to change your LFf:
1. WHAT IRRATIONAL BELIEF (iB) DO I WANT TO
DISPUTE AND SURRENDER?
Illustrative Answer: "I must not have to work hard at changing myself with RET. It should come easy! It's much too
hard to go to all that trouble. How awful that someone won't do it for mel"
2. CAN I RATIONALLY PROVE OR SUPPORT THIS BE- UEF?
Illustrative Answer: No.
3. WHAT EVIDENCE CAN I FIND TO DISPROVE THIS BELIEF?
Illustrative Answer: Considerable evidence, such as: (a) There is no reason why I must not have to work hard at changing myself with RET. If hard work were not required, changing myself would be very easy. But, obviously, it's not
easy! So it looks like I'd better acknowledge that if I want to
change, I'd damn well better work persistently and hard to do
sol
(b) Where is it written that changing myself by using RET
1
Insight
should or ought to com
e easy? Only in my grandiose wishes
and in my silly head! No matter how desirable it is for me to change easily, my desire for ease does not automatically bring it on.
Using Work and
(c) How is it too hard for me to go to the trouble of changing myself with RET? It surely is not impossibly hard, though it may be very hard. To call it "too hard" is for me to resort to magical thinking, for I really mean that it is harder than I want it to be and therefore it is "too" hard. But this means that I say that whatever I want to be easy must really be easy-that I run the blasted universe! Well, do I?
Hardly!
(d) Yes, it is really hard for me to change by using RET, but right now it should be that hard-for that's the way it really is: truly difficult. So it is! Tough! But no matter how tough I find it
to
be,
it
stil is that
hard.
(e) Yes, it's hard for me to change but I'd better face the fact that it's much harder if I don't. For then I keep my usual anxiety and depression, and probably keep it forever. Look how hard that is!
(f) Where is the evidence that it is awful if someone doesn't make me easily change or do my RET for me and thus make me
change! It's not awful, because awful, in the sense I'm using it, means more than bad; and it may be bad, or inconvenient, that I have to work at the RET to change myself, but that inconven· ience is hardly 101percent or 120percent bad. Not even 99 per·
cent. And the badder I see it, the more exaggerated badness that I give to it, the more frustrated I'll feel and the more I'll interfere with my using RET to change myself. So I'd better see it as just bad or inconvenient.
4. DOES ANY EVIDENCE EXIST FOR THE TRUTH OF MY
IRRATIONAL BELIEF, "I MUST NOT HAVE TO WORK HARD AT
CHANGING MYSELF WITH RET"?
Illustrative Answer: "None that I can see. There is a good deal of evidence that it is hard to work at changing myself with RET
and that it right now should be hard (because it realistical y is!).
But although it would be very fortunate if I could easily and quickly change, just by knowing RET and thinking about how good it is, that kind of good fortune ju!Ft doesn't exist in the world. If I pres ently work hard at using RET, I may later find it easy and auto· matic to do so. But at the present time it's hard
In
because
it's hard! So, having s
no b i
ett g
hter resource, I'd better do the work it entails gracefully, without creating for myself an even
bigger hassle about it!
Using Work and
5. WHAT ARE THE WORST THINGS THAT COULD AC- TUALLY
HAPPEN TO ME IF I GIVE UP THE BELIEF THAT ITS TOO HARD
TO WORK AT CHANGING MYSELF WITH RET?
Illustrative
Answer:
(a) I would keep working at RET and that would be a real pain in the neck. So it would be a pain in the neck! But ifl don't work at it, I would continue to have all the hassles and troubles I do have-and I would presumably have them forever!
(b) IF I don't use RET and don't work at it to get over my
problems, they will not only remain, but they will most probably increase. That will be even worse. But even if I do nothing and my problems increase, it will only be uncomfortable and incon- venient. It still will not be awfulthat is, badder than it should be, and more than bad. It will only be bad!
(c) Ifl work at RET, the worst that could really happen would be that I still won't improve at all, so all my work would there- fore be wasted. But at least I would then know that I had tried to do my best to get better. This way, without working and without trying, I will never even know how much better I could get-or could not get. So I had better make the effort and see how well I
can
do.
(d) Even if I work hard at RET and never get better at all, I could then still live with my frustration and my pain. This is unlikely-for if I work I most likely will improve to some degree.
But if I never improve one bit, I don't. Whatever happens-or
does not happen-to me in life is still only a bother, still only an inconvenience. And if I stop whining and screaming about
that inconvenience, that in itself will save me gratuitous,
extra both-
ering of myself. So I'd still better do the
work.
6. WHAT GOOD THINGS MIGHT HAPPEN OR MIGHT I
MAKE HAPPEN IF I WORK AT USING RET IN REGARD TO MY
PROBLEMS?
In
Illustrative
sig
Answer:
ht
(a) I might really get over my problem by using RET. I'm now anxious and depress
ed and by using RET I could well
become considerably less anxious and depressed. Or even unanxious and undepressedl
(b) If I overcome my low frustration tolerance in this area I
Using
will tend to beco W
me mo o
re g r
en k
era
d
lly disciplined and may
well overcome my LFf in various other areas of my life, such as over· eating and procra stination.
(c) It is a great challenge for me to enjoy life while working hard to use RET and while giving up present pleasures for future
gains. The challenge of not upsetting myself while I am going through some amount of deprivation is one of the best challenges that I can take in life.
(d) By working against my low frustration tolerance, even if it takes me a while to succeed, I will get better and better at it, can at times enjoy my activity, and can see that I am increasingly promoting my own independence and emotional mastery. What
could be more rewarding than running my own
life?
CHAPTER
15 Insight No. 10: Forcefully Changing
Your Beliefs and Behaviors
You can express thoughts, feelings, and behaviors lightly or strongly, mildly or forcefully-as you can easily observe. You can feel mildly or intensely sad about a loss. You can exercise vigor.. ously or gently. You can be greatly or moderately addicted to
&moking
or
overeating.
Can thoughts, too, be weak or strong?
Robert Abelson, Robert Zajonc, and other psychologists say yes. As Abelson pointed out a number of years ago, you can have
"'cool" and "hot" cognitions. 1 According to RET, your 'not"
thoughts influence you more and create more intense feelings than do your "cool" thoughts.
Thus, if you have to pass an exam to get a job, you may have a cool thought: "Jobs like this frequently require a test." Your cool, descriptive thought will lead to your having little or no feeling.
You may also have a warm or preferential thought-which in, RET we cal a rational Belief-about the test and the job: '1
definitely want to pass this test and get this job and since the test doesn't seem too hard, Ilike taking it." This warm thought will probably lead you to feel optimistic and help you do well on the
t
e&t. You may finally have a hot or highly evaluative thought: "I have
to pass this test and get this job in order to enjoy life at al and t0 accept myself as a good person! If the test is harder than it seems and I fail it, that would be awful and would prove that rm a
schnook who will never get a decent job!" This is a hot thought-an irrational Belief in RET-that wil very likely make you feel in tense anxiety and interfere with your doing well on the test.
1.31
132 Insight
No. 1()
RET also states that you hold some hot thoughts very strongly, rigidly, and forceful y, while you hold some lightly and less viv· idly.2 You may believe that you must pass a test and are a real clod if you don't and may believe this (1) occasionally or always; (2) loosely or devoutly; (3) mildly or intensely; (4) blandly or vividly;
(5) softly or loudly; (5) in a limited way (about one situation) or gen- erally (about many
situations).
As you can see, your hot thoughts include many kinds of heat!
RET also holds that you create more intense feelings-and particu- larly disturbed feelings-with your hot than with your warm thoughts. Hot thinking often encourages you to have self-defeating emotions and behaviors that persist longer and are harder for you to change.
If you fanatically believe that you must always pass important
tests and get every single job for which you apply, and you also he· lieve that you are a hopeless nincompoop when you in any
way fail, you will tend to make yourself extremely anxious when you go for a test or a job interview. This anxiety may disrupt your whole life, and you will have one heck of a time relieving it. Moreover, you wil often feel such intense panic and discomfort that you may well make yourself terrified about it.
You then bring on strong second· ary symptoms of anxiety about your anxiety.
Because your hot thoughts create intense and lasting
anxiety and
depression, you had better acquire Insight No. 10: If you
mildly Dispute your irrational Beliefs (iBs) you may not change
them and keep them changed. Therefore, you had better
powerfuUy and per sistently argue against them and persuade
yourself that they are false.
When, for example, you ask yourself-at point D,
Disputing of
your iBs-"Why must I always pass important tests?" you had bet· ter very vigorously (and often) reply: "I don't have to do sol I'd love to pass and will work hard to do so. But if I don't, I don't! I
definitely want this job, but I never, never need it. I can be happy if I don't get it, though not as happy as ifl do. I can pass other tests and get other jobs even if I fail at getting this one. I will only be a person who failed this time, and clearly not a
hopeless failure!"
RET says that the more emphatically and the more frequently you challenge and debate your red-hot negative thoughts, the quicker and more completely you will kill them-and the more you
Forceful y Changing Your Beliefs
133
will reduce
(and
away)
keep
the disturbed
feelings which
they cre- ate.
So back to Insight No.
10: When you
track down your
iBs that make
you
anxious
(and that panic
you
your
about
anxiety),
you
can become a
scientist who
passionate
strongly comes
up with rational
answer
s
to
your
irrationa
l Beliefs.
Take Tom, for
example.
Although
tall
and handsome,
aged thirty-five,
and a successful
physician,
he
kept
fal ing
madly in love
with
fine
women-and
quickly turned
them al off.
They found him
too
insecure,
too needy. As I
often ask my
clients, who a
needs
needy person?
Not
Tom's
women friends!
Tom
understood RET
and
knew
exactly what he
was tel ing him-
self to make
himself shaky
when he met a
charming
woman: "I love
her so strongly
and would feel
so deprived if
she did not
return
my
feelings that I
win her. I
absolutely must
have
I've I
to!
got to!
must!"
Noting
this
kind
of
musturbation
and seeing that
it didn't work,
Tom used RET
to try to give it
up, and kept
asking himself,
"Why
I win
must
this woman I
care for? Do I
real y
please
have to
her? Would I die
without
her
love?"
He gave the
correct,
rational
answers
to
these
Disputations
and helped
himself
somewhat. For
a while. But
then he fell
right back to
his great need.
And
to
his
insecurity.
I gave Tom the
RET homework
assignment of
having a forceful
rational
dialogue with
himself
and
recording the
dialogue.
He
tried
to do so and
brought me in
a cassette tape
in which he
nicely Disputed
his iBs about
winning
the
love
of
a
special woman,
but when I and
members of his
therapy group
listened to it,
we found his
arguments
good-but
his
tone
wishy-
washy. He the
knew
ra- tional words
to combat his
neediness; but
he
obviously
didn't them.
be lieve
So I had Tom
do the tape
over,
asking
h
on
his
har i
der m to be much
irrational
Beliefs.
No dice. His
second
tape
dialogue was
only
a
bit
stronger
in
tone than his
first one. And
he
still
remained
a
love slob.
His third tape
was much
better. Part of it
went as follows:
If Cora,
Tom's Irrational Voice:
who's just about
the best woman
I have met in
years, doesn't
real y love me,
what
decent
woman wil ?
None!
134
Insight No. 10
Tom's Rational Voice: None? What crap! With so many fine women I could meet? Obviously, some would care for me. Even if they were stupid for doing sol
Tom's Irrational Voice: But suppose they only cared because they were stupid. That would show what an unlovable jerk I ami Tom's Rational Voice: To hell it would! At worst, it would show that I am sadly lacking some good traits. But never that I am totally unlovable. Nor would it show, if no woman found me desirable, that I would be a complete jerk. I would just be a loser in that area.
Tom's Irrational Voice: Yes, the most important of all areas.
That would really make you one damned loser!
Tom's Rational Voice: No-a loser in love. But not in every
area. Not in life! A loser to fine women. But not, dammit, to mel
Tom's Irrational Voice: There you go-rationalizing again! What good is your life if you can't have real love? So you'll be a great physician. Hahl
Tom's Rational Voice: Yes-1 hope-a great physician. And great at sports! And a fine reader! I have lots of things I can really enjoy-even if I never find a good partner.
Tom's Irrational Voice: Never? Never?
Tom's Rational Voice: Yes, never! Immanuel Kant never mated-or probably ever even dated. And he had a good life!
Many other outstanding people, too, were happy without love.
But whether they were or not, fm going to bel Just as soon as I stop whining about my being ..unlovable ..!
As soon as Tom learned the knack of vigorously,
powerfully Disputing his own irrational Beliefs-which he now referred to as his Bullshit-he began to do so many times. I and the members of his therapy group didn't have to tell him, after he recorded a dia- logue like the one above, that it was strong enough. His feeling of immense relief from anxiety and depression showed him that it was. He immediately felt he didn't need (though he still keenly de- sired) love. And he felt that way for the next few weeks.
As Tom kept fiercely arguing himself out of being a love slob, he felt much less needy. Four months later, he was almost totally cured-and consequently the women he dated often wanted to continue seeing him-and some highly desirable ones tried to cart him off to the altar! A year later, he started to
live with the one he liked best and three years later he married her. He is now teaching
Forceful y Changing Your Beliefs
135
her how to actively-and quite vigorously-talk herself out of some
of her own emotional
Bullshit.
RET Exercise No. 15
Take one of your irrational Beliefs that you really want to give up, because you know that you are seriously defeating yourself by holding it, and dispute it both mildly or moderately, on the one hand, and vigorously or powerfully on the other hand. You may do this by writing out the irrational Belief and then making one col- umn of mild disputings and changing of it, and one column of vig- orous disputings and changing. Or, better yet, you can take a tape recorder, record your irrational Belief on it, and then have a dia- logue with yourself on the recorder, in the course of which you moderately and powerfully dispute this Belief until you really feel that you have made some real progress in giving up and changing it to a set of strong rational philosophies.
A sample of your written out Disputing might go as follows: IRRATIONAL BELIEF: I really have to pass this test that I am about to take because if I don't, my whole career will go down the drain and I'll surely end up working all my life in some menial ca- pacity and making very little money and that would be absolutely horrible! What a worm I would then bel Instead of, or in addition to, disputing your irrational Belief pow- erfully and vigorously on paper (as in the above illustration), you can have both a mild and a forceful dialogue with yourself on a tape recorder, and make sure that you end up by believing and feeling the forceful arguments that you present on the tape. Take this self- dialogue, for example:
Mild Disputing and
Powerful Disputing
Rational Answer
and Rational
H I fail this test I can take
Answer
other tests and pass them
Even if I fail the test and
later. So why worry?
every other test Istill can get
a good job doing something.
And if I don't,
Idon't! Ican still be
happy.
136
Insight No. 10
Mild Disputing and
Powerful Disputing
Rational Answer
and Rational
My whole career won't go down
Answer
the drain. I'l just be slower at
If my whole damned career
getting what I want in the
went down the drain, I could
course of it.
stil get another enjoyable and
I'l sooner or later probably
wel - paying career!
pass this test and get some
I'l darned wel pass this
kind of a decent career.
test one of these days, probably
this time! And whether or not I
do, I'm absolutely determined
HI keep working in a
to get a good career!
menial capacity it won't kil
Whatever capacity I keep
me.
working in, I am determined to
get some very good things out
of the work. And even if I never
do enjoy it, I can always find
other aspects of my life that will
be exceptionally enjoyable!
If I make very little money al
my life, I can stil get by.
If I make very little money
al my life, I cannot only get by
but somehow manage to have
a damned good time. Money is
important but it clearly isn't
everything!
It would be pretty
inconvenient to make little
It would be damned
money al my life, but it
inconvenient to make little
wouldn't be the end of the
money al my life, but in one
world.
way or another I wil work my
butt off to make more. If
somehow I don't succeed, I wil
merely reduce my expenses
and be one of the happiest
people alive who lives on very
If I fail this test and make less
little!
money for the rest of my life,
No matter how many tests I fail
I'l only be a person who failed
or how little money I make in
but not a rotten worm.
life, I am never a worm or a
total y incompetent person. I
am and wil always be a fal ible
human; but I can always ful y
accept myself and look for
every possible pleasure in life
no
Forceful y Changing Your Beliefs
137
Mild Disputing and
Powerful Disputing
Rational Answer
and Rational
Answer
matter how badly Iact in
certain respects. I am I; and
just because Iam alive
and am
myself I ALWAYS deserve to
have the best time Ican
have during my lifetime.
Now how
the hel do Imanage to have
that good time? By striving for
itl
IRRATIONAL BELIEF: My friend, Norbert, borrowed money from me and said that he'd pay it back quickly. Now several months have gone by and he still hasn't paid it. What is more, he's acting as if I just gave him the money as a gift and that he's not supposed to pay it back. If he gets a lot of money, he says, he will give me back what I lent him, but just out of the goodness of his heart and not because he really owes it to me.
How could he do a thing like that to me?! What a thorough bastard he is! This means that he has no real good qualities.
He deserves to be severely damned and punished, and I think I'll really get back at him. I'll show him that he can't act that way to mel"
ILLUSTRATIVE DIALOGUE:
Irrational You: How could he do a thing like that?
Mild Answer: He just could. That's the way he often behaves just like that. Well, that's his problem.
Strong Answer: He damned well easily could do a thing like that!
It's not the first time he's acted that way and I'll bet it won't be the last! I wish to hell that he wouldn't be like that, but he often is. Tough! But I can expect it-and take it!
Irrational You: But after all I did for him! I went out of my way to lend him the money and he still insists that I gave it to him! What a thorough bastard he is!
Mild Answer: Yes, I real y went out of my way to lend him the money, but that doesn't mean that he has to go out of his way to pay me back. He's not a thorough bastard-though he sometimes acts in a bastardly manner.
Strong Answer: Yes, I went out of my way to lend him the money, but that never in the least means that he has to go out of his way, or to be very honest, and to pay it back. Whatever I decide to do is me; and what he decides to do is Norbert. Well, that certainly
138 Insight
No. 10
is a rotten thing for him to do, and I definitely won't trust him in the future-or lend him any more money! But he's not a thorough bastard-not even an unthorough bastard. He's just a fallible hu- man, like all of us are; and this is one of his great fallibilities. Well, I'll never like his having this kind of failing, but I can clearly live with it, still try to get my money back, and be a happy human- though not as happy-if I never get it. Isn't it too darned bad that some of my best ..friends" turn out to be unfriendly?
Irrational You: I still think he's a thorough bastard! Ifhe can do a thing like this, he has no real good qualities.
Mild Answer: Isn't that an exaggeration on my part? Of course,
he, like all humans, has some good qualities. It's just this aspect of him that is bad.
I
Strong Answer: What nonsense Of course he has good qualities,
too. Everyone does. Even Hitler doubtless had a few. But for all
his good qualities-and I'd better admit that at other times he has been quite good to me-his not accepting that he borrowed the
money and falsely claiming that I gave it to him is really a bad act.
And that's just what I'm going to try to show him-not that
he is
bad but that his dishonest act is. I'm really going to persist at trying
to show him that. But if I can't, I can't. At worst, I'll just lose the money and cut him off as a friend.
Irrational You: Damned well I'll cut him off as a friend! Me, friendly with a person like that? Never! He deserves to be severely damned and punished, and I think I'll really get back at him.
Mild Answer: What's the use of getting back at him? I'll only waste more time doing that. I might as well drop it. But he really is
a pretty crummy
person.
try
Strong Answer: How silly of me to
to get
back at him! I
wasted enough time and money already in dealing with him and now I'm just going to continue this nonsense by thinking about him and wasting time and energy trying to get back at him. He may theoretically deserve, in a thoroughly just world, to be penalized for his bad behavior to me; but he hardly deserves to be severely damned and punished. No human is subhuman; no human is dam- nable. If I foolishly stole from him, the universe wouldn't spy on me and command that I must be damned and punished. Why, then, should he be? I'll still try to put pressure on him, but not
Forcefully Changing Your Beliefs
139
angry pressure, to get my money back. But no waste of time damn- ing him!
Irrational You: No matter how much time and energy it takes, I'll show him that he can't act that way to me. I'll fix his wagon! And, while I'm at it, maybe there's something I can do to get back at his wife and family, tool
Mild Answer: There's no way that I can certainly show him that he can't act that way to me. He has a right, as a human, to do what- ever he wishes, even when he's clearly wrong. I'd better drop the whole thing and forget it.
Strong Answer: Of course, he can act that way to me.
Damned well he can! In fact, he has a great talent for acting in that
unfriendly way, and now that I've discovered this I'd better accept that grim reality. And I have no way, probably, of showing him that he can't act that way to me. No matter how vindictive I become, and even hurt his wife and family, that won't show him. In fact, it wil probably show him, in his eyes, what a ..louse" I am; and then he'll deliberately not pay the money back to me-and perhaps vin- dictively try to hurt me and my family. If I foolishly try to fix his wagon, I'll very likely fix my own wagon in the process. Then I'll suffer even more
than I'm now suffering. What crap on my part! Just because he's wrong doesn't mean that I have to spend the rest of my life vindictively being wrong, too. Let me just try to talk to him, without anger and vindictiveness again, and see what I can do.
And if I can't do anything, well, I just can't! I'd better still drop it. Yes, drop it and go about my own business!
When you have written out or done a tape recording on force- fully debating and disputing your irrational Belief about some- thing, go over it to make it even stronger. Let some of your friends
or associates go over it with you. Work on being strong but not violent. Try not to perpetuate the craziness in which you are engaging or that is being destructively used against you. Practice strongly, yes, s-t-r-o-n-g-l-y-disputing your own nutty ideas!
CHAPTER 16
Insight No. 11: Achieving Emotional
Change Is Not Enough. Maintaining It Is
Harder!
As Mark Twain said: ..It's easy to quit smoking. I've done it a thou- sand times."
This sums up the history of dieting, too. For every hundred peo- ple who lose thirty pounds or more by various diets, well over ninety percent gain all or most of it back.
Similarly with psychotherapy. Millions of people change by go- ing for therapy. But almost all of them at times fall back.
For a while, their feelings of anxiety, depression, and rage disappear.
And then return!
Sometimes, if you work at erasing your emotional misery, you take two steps forward-and only one backwards. Sometimes the reverse. Sometimes you completely free yourself of depression. Then you fall right back in the thick black soup again.
At times, you never experience an old problem-such as a fear of public speak- ing. But then you bring on an entirely new one-such as fear of job hunting.
11:
This brings us to Insight No.
You may for a
whilefind it easy
to change your feelings. But you'd better keep workin ,
working, working to maintain your gains.
Almost no person gets completely or forever cured of misery.
In- cluding you!
What can you do, then, to maintain your improvement and to deal with backsliding?
A great deal.
At the Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy in New York City,
141
Emotio
1
we h na
ave give l
n
Ch much thought
to this question and have
come up with a pamphlet that we give to all our clients. 1 Let me demon- strate Insight No. 11 of RET by showing you some of the main points in this pamphlet, How to Maintain and
Enhance Your RationalEmotive Therapy Gains.
What are important things you can remember to maintain your
improvem
ent? Try these:
1. When you fall back to old feelings of anxiety, depression, or self-downing, zero in on the exact thoughts, feelings, and behav- iors you once changed to make yourself improve. If you again feel depressed, think back to how you previously used RET to make yourself undepressed. For example, you may remember that:
(a) You stopped telling yourself that you were worthless and that you couldn't ever succeed in getting what you wanted.
(b) You did well in a job and proved to yourself that you did have some ability to succeed.
(c) You forced yourself to go on interviews instead of avoiding them and thereby overcame your anxiety about them.
Remind yourself of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that you
have changed and that you have helped yourself by changing.
2. Keep thinking, thinking, and thinking rational Beliefs (rBs) or coping statements, such as: "It's great to succeed but I can fully accept myself as a person and enjoy life considerably even when I fail!" Don't merely parrot these statements but carefully
think them many times. Yes, strongly think them through until you re- ally begin to believe and feel that they are true.
3. Keep looking for, discovering, and disputing your irrational Beliefs (iBs) with which you are once again upsetting yourself. Take each important irrational Belie£-such as, "I have
to succeed in or- der to be a worthwhile person!"-and keep asking yourself: "Why is this belief true?" "Where is the evidence that my worth as a per- son depends on my succeeding?" "In what way would I be a rotten human if I failed at an important task?"
In
1
Keep forcefully dispu s
tin i
g g
htyo ur irrational Beliefs whenever you see that you are letting them creep back again. And even when you are not bothering yourself, realize that you may
bring them back. So ask yourself what you think they are, make yourself fully con- scious of them-and vigorously dispute them.
4. Keep taking risks and doing things that you irrationally fear-
Emotio
1
iuch as riding na
in elevat l
ors
Ch , socializing, job
hunting, or creative
writing. As you are overcoming one of your irrational fears, keep thinking and acting against it on a re gular basis. Do what you ar& afraid to do--and very often!
H you feel uncomfortable when you force yourself to do things you irrationally fear, to hell with the discomfort! Don't allow your- self to cop out-and thereby to preserve your fears forever! Often,
make yourself as uncomfortable as you can be, in order to eras' your fears and to become unanxious and comfortable later.
5. Learn to clearly see the difference between appropriate bad feelings--such as those of sorrow, regret, and frustration, when you do not get some of the important things you want-and inap- propriate bad feelings-such as those of depression, anxiety, self- hatred, and self-pity-when you are deprived.
Whenever you feel overconcerned (panicked) or needlessly
miserable (depressed), ad.. mit that you are having a very common but an unhealthy feeling and that you are bringing it on yourself with some dogmatic 1houlds, oughts, or musts.
Realize that you are quite capable of changing your inappropri- ate (or musturbatory) feelings back into appropriate (or preferen- tial) ones. Get in touch with your depressed feelings and work on them until you only feel sorry and regretful. Get in touch with your anxious feelings and work on them until you only feel cOncerned and vigilant.
Use rational emotive imagery to vividly imagine unpleasant Activating Events even before they happen. Let yourself feel inap- propriately upset (anxious, depressed, enraged, or self-downing) as you imagine them. Then work on your feelings to change them to appropriate emotions (concern, sorrow, annoyance, or regret) as you keep imagining some of the worst things happening. Don't give up un il you actually do change your feelings.
6. Avoid procrastination. Do unpleasant tasks fast-today! If you still procrastinate, reward yourself with certain things that you enjoy-for example, eating, vacationing, reading, and socializing- only after you have performed the tasks that you easily avoid. If this won't work, give yourself a severe penalty-such as talking to a boring person for two hours or burning a hundred dollar bill- every time that you procrastinate.
In
1
7. Make an absorbing challes
ngei
g
htan d an adventure out of main-
Emotional Change Is Not
1
taining
your
emotional
health
and
keeping
yourself
reasonably
happy
no
matter
what
kind
of
misfortunes
1
Insight
assail
you.
Make the re-
moval of your
misery one of
the
most
important
things
your
in
life-something
you are utterly
Emotional Change Is Not
1
determined to
achieve.
Ful y
acknowledge
that you always
have some choice
about how
to think, feel,
and
behave;
and
throw
yourself
actively
into
making
that
1
Insight
choice
for
yoursel£
Remember-
8.
and
use-the
three
main
insights of RET
that were first
outlined in Reason and
in 1962:
Emotion in Psychotherapy
to disturb
choose
You largely
Insight No. 1:
yourself about
the
..upsetting"
events of your
Emotional Change Is Not
1
l the way you
f i
eel f
e. You main
thil
n y
k.
When
obnoxious and
frustrating
things happen
to you at point
A
(Activating
Events),
you
consciously or
unconsciously select
ra- tional Beliefs
1
Insight
(rBs) that lead
you to feel sad
and
regretful
and you also select
irrational Beliefs
(iBs) that lead
you
to
feel
anxious,
.de-
pressed, and
self-hating.
2: No
Insight
No.
matter how or
Emotional Change Is Not
1
when
you
acquired your
irra
tional
Beliefs
and
habits,
you
now, in the
present,
to
choose
main-
tain
them-and that
is
disturbed.
now why you are
Poor conditions
(in the past and
present) you;
affect
but they don't
you. Your
disturb
present
philosophy
creates your current
di
There is no
I s
nsig t
ht u
No. r
3: bance.
magical way for
you to change
your
personality
and your strong
tendencies to
upset yourself.
You re- al y
change with work and
work and
practice. Your
your
pKeep looking-
9. ractice,
steadily but
unfrantically-
for personal
plea..
sures
and
enjoyments-
1
Insight
such
as
reading,
entertainment,
sports, hobbies,
art,
science,
and other vital
absorbing
interests. Make
your major life
goal
the
Emotional Change Is Not
1
achievement of
emotional
healtb-,-and
also that of real
enjoyment.
Try to become
involved in a
long-term
purpose, goal,
or interest in
1
Insight
which you can
remain
truly
absorbed.
Make
yourself
a
good.
happy
life by giving
yourself
something to
live
In that
for.
way you will
Emotional Change Is Not
1
distract
yourself from
serious
woes
and will help
preserve your
mental health.
Keep in touch
10. with several
other people
who know
some-
thing
about
RET and who
can help review
1
Insight
it with you. Tel
them
about
your problems
and let them
know how you
are using RET to
overcome
them. See if
they agree with
Emotional Change Is Not
1
your solutions
and can sug..
1
Insight
gest additional RET methods to work against your irrational Be- liefs.
11. Practice using RET with some of your friends and associates who will let you try to help them with it. The more often you use it
with others, and try to talk them out of their self-defeating ideas, the more you will understand the main principles of RET
and be
able to use them with
yourself.
When you see other people irrational and upset, try to figure out-with or without talking to them about it-their main irra- tional Beliefs and how these can be actively and vigorously disputed. This, again, gives you practice in working on your own ills.
12. Keep reading RET writings and listening to RET audio and audio-visual cassettes. Read and listen to several of these-particularly my books, Humanistic Psychotherapy, A Guide to Personal Happiness, A New Guide to Rational Living, and Overcoming Procrastination, as wel as Paul Hauck's Overcoming Depression and Howard Young's A Rational Counseling Primer. 1
Keep going back to this RET material, to remind yourself of some of the main rational-emotive ideas.
Georgiana, a thirty-four-year-old bookkeeper, came to RET
be- cause she was intensely jealous and angry when her husband David kept staring at attractive young women whenever they went out together. He denied doing this, but she insisted that he did and was convinced (to her horror) that every time he had sex with her he was really imagining some woman with enormous breasts (Georgiana had neat, small ones) that he had been staring at that day.
She became so upset about this that she often stopped having intercourse with him, just before the two of them were about to come to orgasm. This "drives me up the wall," he said.
And al- though he loved and liked her, he was just about ready to leave.
Georgiana saw me for several sessions of individual RET and then joined one of my regular therapy groups for eight months. She realized that she was demanding that David only lust after her and never even think of another woman. She also
Emotional Change Is Not
1
saw that, even if he did at times stare at other women an d
think of them while hav-
1
Insight
ing sex with her, that meant nothing about her own looks or sexi- ness. So she became only moderately jealous of David's interest in other women.
A few months later, however, Georgiana again became very jeal- ous and insecure. So, as a homework assignment which she worked out with her therapy group, she spent several weeks reviewing and working on some of the points listed in the previous chapter of this book:
1. She reminded herself that one of the best means of overcom- ing her jealousy was refusing to connect her worth as a person with her ability to satisfy David sexually. She showed herself many times that she could accept herself fully even if she no longer greatly aroused him.
2. She forcefully kept telling herself the rational Belief (rB):
"I can be loved by David and have a good marriage even if he
does lust after women with big busts!"
3. She kept challenging and Disputing her irrational Belief (iB):
"I must be the only truly exciting woman to David!"
4. She deliberately kept going with David to restaurants and other places where he was likely to see attractive women.
She as sumed he was staring at them and kept telling herself,
"Tough!- that's the way he is: desiring other women. I can live with it!"
5. She
saw the difference between her feeling
appropriately sorry and inappropriately panicked and depressed when David stared at other women. She used rational-emotive imagery, imag- ined him eagerly staring, and made herself feel only sorry and dis- appointed, but not anxious and self-downing.
6. She noticed that she was making excuses for not viewing the Miss America beauty contest on TV. So she set herself a penalty of burning a ten dollar bill for every minute she avoided viewing it with David. She saw the entire contest and burned no money.
7. She gave herself the challenge of not only refusing to be mis- erable but actually enjoying her outings with David, even when she was sure he was staring at women with big breasts.
8. She repeated RET's original Insights No. 1, 2, and 3 to herself, especially No. 3: "Becoming less jealous requires work
and practice. So I damned well had better keep working and working against my silly jealousy!"
Emotio
9. She abso na
rbed her l
sel
Ch f in the vital i
nterest of designing
and making her own clothes. She kept focusing on how well
they looked rather than on how puny and "ugly" were her breasts.
10. She talked to a few of the group members and to her women friends who also knew RET and who kept helping her go back to using it when she slipped into jealous rages.
11. She used RET to help her friends and business associates (including her supervisor), and thus taught it better to herself.
12. She recorded her part of her group sessions and listened several times a week to the Disputing and advice that I and the other members used with her. She kept reading RET books and pamphlets, even though she had previously read them several times. She thereby kept reminding herself on points that she had half forgotten.
As a result of applying herself so strongly to RET
maintenance practices, Georgiana got to the point where she rarely felt intense jealousy and rage. She was able, with the group's full consent, to quit therapy and keep working on her problem successfully to herself. She and her husband still come from time to time to my regu- lar Friday night live demonstrations of RET. Her husband is most enthusiastic about her progress and has come to see one of our other therapists at the Institute for RationalEmotive Therapy in New York to work on his anxiety about his job.
RET
16
Exercise No.
Se
lect some task that you would like to do and know that you pref- erably should do but you are avoiding or-at very best-are procrastinating on and therefore doing very slowly.
For example:
Finishing a paper or a report.
Checking your monthly bank statement.
Doing your RET homework.
Making business calls, on the phone or in person.
1
Insight
Coming to work regularly on
time. Writing a new job resume.
Answering a long overdue letter to a friend.
Outlining a book you want to write.
Preparing to give a talk or a
workshop.
148
Insight No. 11
Look for the things you are telling yourself to make yourself avoid or procrastinate. Especially:
Shoulds and musts: "I shouldn't have to do this difficult paper."
"My RET homework must be easy to do."
Awfulizings: "It's awful to check this damned bank statement!"
''It's terrible to make these blasted telephone calls!"
1can'tstandits: "I can't stand dressing to go to this party! I
can't bear stupid parties like this one is sure to be!"
Toohards: "It's not only hard to write this outline for a book. It's
too hard! It's harder than it should bel"
Selfdamning: "Because I'm not preparing this speech, as I
should be, and because others prepare their speeches with no de- lays, there's something basically wrong with me, and that makes
me an incompetent person. What a total idiot I ami"
Always and nevemess: "Since I fell back at doing my RET, as I
must not do, I'll always be no good at doing it and will never do it well."
Hopelessness: "Because I've been late to work a hundred times, as I must not be, it's hopeless, and I simply can't make myself be on time!"
Select some behavior or habit in which you are foolishly indulging even though you are harming yourself considerably by continuing to indulge in it. For example:
smoking
cigarettes
overeating
telling yourself what a rotten person you are
drinking too much
overspending
doing pleasant tasks, like television viewing, instead of working on your RET homework
continuing to make yourself enraged at people's
stupidities and
inefficiencies
indulging in foolish phobias (such as avoiding using escalators or
elevators)
Look for the things you are telling yourself to pander to immedi- ate gratification and to make yourself addicted to harmful habits. Especially:
Emotional Change Is Not
14
Shoulds and musts: Even though it's doing me great harm, I must have the relief of smoking this cigarette right now. I
abso lutely need it to relieve my tension.
Awfulizings: "It's awful that I just can't enjoy myself instead of working steadily at changing myself with RET! It's terrible that I must go through present pain to get later gain!"
1can'tstandits: "I can't stand pushing away this delicious food when it tastes so good! I need this extra food right now!"
Toohards: "It's not merely hard for me to give up the pleasure and relaxation of booze and marijuana, it's much too hard!
It must
not be that
hard!"
Selfdamnings: "Because I'm not working my butt off at doing RET as I ought to be doing, and because I'm indulging instead in immediately enjoyable activities, as I ought not be doing, I'm a pretty rotten person who deserves to keep suffering."
Always and nevemess: "Because I keep spending money on things I really do not need to get short-term pleasures that I fool- ishly think that I do need, I'll never change and will
always be a stupid spendthrift!"
Hopelessness: "Because I have fallen back several times from doing my RET homework, and instead have taken the easier and instantly more gratifying path of not working at changing myself, it's hopeless. I can't stop indulging in easy things, so I might as well give in to my natural tendencies and forget about changing my- self."
Once you look for and discover your irrational Beliefs (iBs) with which you are creating your low frustration tolerance and your in- dulgences, actively and vigorously dispute all your shoulds, oughts, musts, your awfulizings, your I-can't-stand-its, your too- bards, your self-damnings, your always and nevernesses, and your conclusions of hopelessness. For example:
Disputing: "Why must my RET homework be easy to do? Why it
shouldn't I have a hard time doing
and
itr'
continuing to do
Answer: "There's no reason why it should be easy, and several reasons why it should be hard: (1) Because it is hard. (2) Because I'm not yet used to doing it, and it may well become
Emotional Change Is Not
15
easier as I continue to do it. (3) Because it's natural for me to a ct
foolishly, and at times highly unnatural for me to act sensibly.
So I'd better keep acting well, until I make it more 'natural.' "
150 Insight
No. 11
Disputing: "What makes it awful to keep checking my damned bank account?"
Answer: "Nothing makes it awful, since it"s only, in itself, a real nuisance. Only I make it awfulby foolishly defining it in this way. So I'd better stop that nonsense and only see it as it actually is-a
required pain in the
neck!"
Disputing: Where is the evidence that it's too hard for me to give up the pleasure and relaxation of booze and marijuana?
Prove that it must not be that hard!"
Answer: "Hit were really too hard, then I couldn't possibly give
up this pleasure at all. But of course I can give it up-if I
accept,
without childishly whining about and immensely
exaggerating, its difficulty. Apparently it isn't too hard for me to whine and moan about it. Only too easy! So I'd better stop
making it harder than it really is by having a temper tantrum about it. So it's hard! Tough! But it's not horrible!"
Disputing: "Even if I never prepare this speech, and even if I find that other people easily and quickly prepare their speeches, how does that wrong behavior of mine,
procrastination, make me a
thoroughly incompetent
person?"
It
It
Answer:
doesn't, of course.
makes me a
person who is not
acting competently, right now, in this particular way; and who still has the ability-if I push myselfl-to act more competently in the future. H I really were a thoroughly incompetent person, I could do practically nothing well. And that of course is quite false: since I do many things with no trouble at all. So I'd better focus on this incompetent act, and not on my 'inadequate personhood.' Yes, I'm still fallible, and will most probably always be. Now how do I stop this procrastinating and make myself less fallible? Once again: by prodding-yes, prodding! myself."
Disputing: "Even though I keep spending money on things I re- ally do not need in order to get short-term pleasure that I foolishly think that I do need, how does that indicate that I'll
never change and will always be a stupid spendthrift?"
Answer: It doesn't! No matter how many times I idiotically over- spend, I can most likely change and stop it now and in the future. If my past mistakes proved that I will never be able to undo them, I could never have learned the multiplication table!
They only prove that I easily and often fail-as just about all humans do. But not always! And not that I'm doomed to
never succeed!"
Emotional Change Is Not
"Let me
Disputing:
acknowledge
that
I have
fal en
back
several
times
from doing my
RET homework,
and
instead
have taken the
easier
and
Emotional Change Is Not
instantly more
gratifying path
of not working
at
changing
myself. Where is
it written that
this
makes
things
and
hopeless
that I
stop
can't
indulging
in
Emotional Change Is Not
easy
things?
How does this
prove that I
might as wel
give in to my
natural
tendencies
to
take
things
easily and that I
should forget
Emotional Change Is Not
about changing
myself?"
Answer: "It doesn't!
Just because I
have natural
tendencies to
take
things
easily, and just
because
I
therefore keep
fal ing
back
from doing my
RET homework,
I'd better work
harder to keep
doing
and
doing
this
homework,
until I acquire a
'second nature'
Emotional Change Is Not
and begin to
automatical y
and fairly easily
do
it.
No
matter
how
difficult it is to
do something,
or to not give in
to any of my
compul- sions,
Emotional Change Is Not
that
never
proves that it's
and that I
hopeless
can't
change. Even
when
something is next
to impossible, it
usual y
can
eventu- ally be
done.
Emotional Change Is Not
Fortunately, I made
this way,
myself
even though I
had great help
from
my
heredity
and
my
environment!
And that means
that,
in
all
Emotional Change Is Not
probability,
with persistent
effort I can
make my- self
act
another,
better way!"
Keep observing
and admitting
your
backsliding at
Emotional Change Is Not
RET or at any-
thing else, and
keep noticing
how often and
how nicely you
are ad- dicted
to striving for
some kind of
immediate
gratification
Emotional Change Is Not
rather than for
long-range gain
and happiness.
Stubbornly
refuse to put
yourself down
for your low
frustration
tolerance; and
then
keep
Emotional Change Is Not
working
to
eliminate
it.
With
actual
addictive,
compulsive,
and in- dulgent
behaviors,
force yourself
many times to
stop them. And
Emotional Change Is Not
when you later
fal back-as you
often
may-to
indulging
in
them
again,
force yourself,
no matter how
hard it is, to
give them up,
Emotional Change Is Not
give them up,
give them up.
Because
virtually
al
harmful habits
that you favor
award
you
some kind of
quick pleasure
or payoff, use
Emotional Change Is Not
the principles
of
reward,
reinforcement,
or what B. F.
Skinner
calls
operant
conditioning
(and
what
other
psychologists
Emotional Change Is Not
often
cal
contingency
management)
to help you give
them up. When
you
contingently
reinforce your-
self, you pick
some action or
Emotional Change Is Not
behavior that is
very
pleasurable,
and preferably
even
more
pleasurable
than the habit
you are trying
to give up, and
you
al ow
Emotional Change Is Not
yourself
this
pleasure AFTER
you have re-
fused
to
engage in the
habit you are
trying to break.
Suppose, for
example, you
want to stop
smoking
cigarettes or
want to eat no
more than 1500
Emotional Change Is Not
calories a day.
You look for
some
152 Insight No.
11 pleasure that you really find most enjoyable and that you tend to engage in every day in the week-such as listening to music, read- ing the newspaper, masturbating or having some other kind of sex, having social conversations, exercising, or television viewing. You then allow yourself to have this great pleasure only AFTER you have refrained from smoking or AFTER you have stopped before eating 1501 calories. Be very strict about this reinforcement or re- ward, or it will not work.
No excuses! Ifyou have a single cigarette or eat even 50 extra calories, no music, no newspaper reading, no television viewing, or no other reward that you have set for your- self.
Right!-nonel
Stiff penalties are even better, if you will properly use them.
For you obviously feel real pain or discomfort when you are trying to
break a bad habit and actively start breaking it. So pick something even MORE uncomfortable and make yourself do that thing when- ever you refuse to give up your harmful habit or whenever you
temporarily give it up and then foolishly fall back to it again.
Once more, let us suppose you know that smoking cigarettes will definitely harm you but you self-defeatingly keep smoking.
Or sup- pose you keep unhealthfully gaining weight and had better stay with no more than 1500 calories a day; and, instead, you keep get- ting up to 1800, 2000, or even 2400 calories a day. How do you
penalize yourself every time you go over your own set limits of smoking no cigarettes or eating only 1500 calories?
Very simply. Set a strong and very painful penalty-such as lighting every ciga- rette you smoke with a twenty dollar bill. Or talking to a boring and obnoxious acquaintance for at least an hour every time you take a single puff. Or running for two miles (if you hate running) when- ever you eat more than 1500 calories. Or eating a half pound of some food you find very distasteful or taking a sniff of some odor that you find utterly repulsive every single time you eat five calo- ries more than 1500.
Using the principles of immediate reinforcement and quick (and inevitable!) penalties on every occasion when you indulge in bad habits or refuse to engage in good habits (like exercising or
doing at least an hour's work on a paper you are writing) won't absolutely make you give up your low frustration tolerance and your tendency to foolishly indulge yourself in pernicious behavior. But it will definitely help!
CHAPTER 17
Insight No. 12: If You Backslide, Try,
Try Again
As noted in the previous chapter, humans change for the better- then backslide. You, tool
Ifyou use RET to overcome your misery and you never again fall back to it again-great. But never fear. You will sometimes fall back.
Want to bet?
We prepare our clients at the Institute for Rational-hmotive Therapy by giving them the same pamphlet mentioned above, How to Maintain and Enhance Your RationalEmotive
Gains. The second part of this pamphlet, "How to Deal With Backsliding," emphasizes RET Insight No. 12: When you
improve your emo
tiona[ disturbances, it will be a miracle if you never backslide.
do,
When you
back to the RET drawing board. Try, try
again!
The section of our pamphlet that deals with backsliding makes these points:
1. Accept your backsliding as normal-as something that hap- pens to almost everyone who at first improves emotionally. See it as part of your being a fallible human.
Don't damn yourself when some of your old problems return; and don't think that you have to handle them entirely by yourself and that it is wrong or weak for you to seek help from others.
2. When you backslide, look at your self-defeating behavior
as bad and unfortunate; but work very hard at refusing to put
yourself
down for engaging in this behavior. Use the highly important RET
philosophy of refusing to rate you, yourself, or your being
but of measuring only your acts, deeds, and traits.
153
1
Insight
12
You are always a person who acts well or badly-and never a
good persort or a bad person. No matter how badly you fall back and make yourself upset again, you can always accept yourself with this poor behavior-and then keep trying to
change this behavior.
3. Go back to the ABCs of RET and see what you did to fall back to your old anxiety or depression. At A (Activating Event), you probably experienced some failure or rejection once again.
At rB (rational Belief) you probably told yourself that you didn't
like fail- ing and didn't want to be rejected. H you only stayed with these rational Beliefs, you would merely feel sorry, regretful, disap- pointed, or frustrated.
But when you felt depressed again, you probably then went on to irrational Beliefs (iBs), such as: "I must not fail! It's
horrible when I dol" "I have to be accepted, because if I'm not that makes me an unlovable, worthless person!" Then, after convincing your- self of these iBs, you felt, at C (emotional Consequence) once again depressed and self-downing.
4. When you find irrational Beliefs with which you are once again disturbing yourself, just as you originally used Disputing (D) to surrender them, do so againimmediately and
persistently. Thus, you can ask yourself, "Why must I not fail? Is if
it really horri ble
I do?"
And you can answer: "There is no reason why I must not fail, though I can think of several reasons why it would be highly unde- sirable. It's not horrible if I do fail-only quite
inconvenient."
You can also Dispute your other irrational Beliefs by asking
yourself, "Where is it written that I have to be accepted? How if
do I become an unlovable, worthless person
I am
rejected?"
And you can answer: "I never have to be accepted, though I would very much prefer to be. H I am rejected, that makes me, alas, a person who is rejected this time. But it hardly makes me an unlovable, worthless person who will always be rejected by anyone for whom I really care."
1
Insight
5. Keep looking for and vig 1
orou 2
sly
Disputing your irrational Be-
liefs. Keep doing this, over and over, until you build emotional muscle (just as you would build physical muscle by learning how to exercise and then by continuing to exercise).
6. Don't fool yourself into believing that if you merely change your language you will always change your thinking.
You may
If You
Backslide, Try
Again
155
neurotically tell yourself, "I must succeed and be approved,'' and then you may sanely change this to, "I prefer
to succeed and be approved." Underneath, however, you may still believe, "But Ire- ally have to do well and truly must be loved."
Before you stop your Disputing and before you are satisfied with your rational answers, keep on working until you are
really con- vinced of these rational answers and until your anxiety, depression, and rage truly decline. Then do the same thing many, many times-until your new Effective Philosophy (E) becomes firm. It
almost always will, if you keep reworking and repeating it.
If you convince yourself lightly (or "intellectually") of your new Effective Philosophy, it will tend to get through to you lightly- and brieHy. Think it through very strongly and
vigorously, and do so many times.
powerful y
Thus, you can
convince
feel
yourself, until you real y
it: "I do not need what I wantl I never have to succeed, no matter how greatly I wish to do sol" "I can stand being rejected by some- one I care for. It won't kill me-and I still can lead a happy life!" "No person is damnable and worthless-including and especially mel"
Tony, a member of my therapy group that included Georgiana (whose case I presented in the previous chapter), saw that she worked so well on overcoming her violent feelings of jealousy that he gave himself a similar homework assignment to help overcome his own backsliding. Tony was a forty-six-year-old owner of a retail store, severely anxious and depressed about his business. He des- perately needed, especial y at Christmas time,
to do better than last year's sales. When he didn't, he was depressed for the next several months.
Tony was in one of my therapy groups for a year, and every few months we helped him accept uncertainty and stop worrying about his sales. Then he would fall back to renewed feelings of panic. Seeing Georgiana finally maintain her progress, he assigned him- self to using the same techniques she used. He concentrated on these points:
1. He at first put himself down greatly for making himself panicked again about his store. But he worked at seeing that his backsliding only showed that he was a normal-though not a healthy-fallible human. He shamelessly talked about his renewed anxiety in group and acknowledged it to his family and friends.
1
Ins
6
igh
2. He was able to se t
e i
t, his backsliding, as bad but not
view himself as a weak person for letting himself backslide.
This self acceptance enabled him to go back to working at getting over it.
3. Tony saw, once again, that, when his panic returned, he mainly held the irrational Belief (iB), ..I must have good sales this year! It would be horrible if they fell off. I couldn't bear the hard- ships that would ensue!"
4. He forcefully and persistently asked himself, ..Where is it written that I must have better sales this year?" Answer: "Only in my nutty head! I don't have to, though that would be lovely."
And: ..In what way would it be horrible if sales fell off?" Answer:
'In no way! It would only be damned frustrating. But not the end of my
life!"
And: "Could I really not bear the hardships of a poor sales year?" Answer: "Obviously I could! I won't go out of business.
My family won't starve. And I can work to make things better next year."
5. Tony kept actively and vigorously Disputing his irrational Beliefs until he found it easy to do so and until he regularly arrived at E, his Effective New Philosophies.
6. When he answered himself, at E, "Too bad. If I do poorly at sales, so I do poorly!" he stopped to inquire: "Do I really
accept that 'too bad' or do I still really think 'It's awful'?" He answered: 'Yes, dammit, whether I accept it or not, it is too bad. Not awfull
Not unbearable! Just too damned
bad!"
7. He strongly told himself, many times, "I never need
good sales. I can live and be happy if I don't do better than last year,
Loss of income is never a holy
horror!"
By working at these assignments many times, Tony
reached a
point where he only occasionally fell back to a state of panic. Fortunately-if we may call it that-he did have one of the worst Christmas seasons he ever had at his store. And although he was
1
Ins
dis
appointed and sorry, i
g
he h
t was rarely anxious and never
depressed about it. As he reported to his therapy group:
''I lost a hell of a lot of sales and money this Christmas. But
I gained a hell of a lot of me -of control over my anxiety.
That's worth much more than money." The group agreed.
Tony went on to work on other problems-especially his de-. creased sex drive. His poor retail business, for the first time in
years, was easy to
accept. Folowing the above RET plan, you can stop your own backslid-
If You
Backslide, Try
Again
157
in
g and can regain any progress that you have made and temporarily lost. If you keep working to do so!
RET
No.
Exercise
17
Use rational emotive imagery (REI) to get over any emotional upsetness that you may have about falling back to a previous level of disturbance; or use it for almost any other problem of anxiety, depression, or rage that you may have.
In using rational emotive imagery, you first imagine one of the very worst things that might happen to you: for example, you worked very hard to overcome your fear of public speaking or to overcome your addiction to cigarettes, and now you have fallen back again, and in fact have a worse fear than you ever had or are smoking even more cigarettes a day than you ever did before in your life.
You let yourself feel very anxious, depressed, or self-hating about how you have just fallen back after previously working hard and effectively using RET to overcome your fear or your addiction. Let us suppose that as you vividly imagine this worst possible thing happening, you feel exceptionally ashamed, guilty, and self- downing about your allowing yourself to fall back. Get fully in touch, now, with your disturbed feeling and let yourself fully-yes, fully!-experience it for a brief period of time. Don't avoid your feeling of guilt or self-downing. On the contrary, face it and make yourself truly feel it.
When you have actually felt, really felt, this disturbed emotion for a while, push yourself-yes, push yourself-to change this feel- ing in your gut, so that instead you only
experience an appropriate (but still strong) feeling. Thus, make yourself feel keenly disap- pointed, regretful, annoyed, or irritated with your behavior (for you have done a wrong self-defeating thing by letting yourself fall back to your original fear or addiction) but get rid of, actually change your inappropriate feeling of shame, guilt, depression, or self-downing.
As I point out in a pamphlet on rational emotive imagery (REI) that is published by the Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy in New York (and that is included in the final chapter of A New
Guide to Rational Living), don't think that you can't do this, can't change
1
Ins
your feeling-for you in i
va g
riabl h
t y can. Don't forget that you -
not the Man in the Moon!-created your upsetness in the first place; so you -yes, you -can alwa
ys change it in the second
place. You can, at almost any time you work at doing so, get in touch wit vour gut-level feelings and push yourself to change them so that you ex- perience different feelings. You definitely have the ability to do this. So try, concentrate-and do it!
When you have let yourself, pushed yourself only to feel sorry,
regretful, disappointed, or irritated (instead of ashamed, guilty,
depressed, and self-downing) look at what you have done in your head to make yourself have these new, appropriate (though still negative) feelings. You will see, ifyou observe yourself clearly, that you have in some manner changed your Belief System (or irrational Beliefs or Bullshit) at B, and have thereby changed your emotional Consequences, at C, so that you now feel appropriate instead of inappropriate emotions.
Become fully aware of the rational Beliefs (rBs) that you have used to create your new appropriate emotional Consequences (Cs) regarding the unpleasant Activating Experi- ence (A) that you have imagined or fantasized.
Thus, in this particular case, A was the observation that you have fallen back to your old phobia or addiction. At iB, you told yourself something like, "I should not have fallen back! How awful and shameful to fall back! rm a pretty incompetent person to let myself do a foolish thing like that!" Then you felt depressed, guilty, self- hating. Now, if you do the rational emotive imagery correctly, you have changed to a new set of rBs (rational Beliefs), such as: "It was most unfortunate and unpleasant that I fell back but that is the na- ture of humans, including myself, to take two steps forward and one step backward. And sometimes two or three steps backward! rm hardly an incompetent person to let myself do a foolish thing like that, but a fairly competent person who sometimes acts incom- petently. And that is my nature, tool-to at times act foolishly. What a pain in the butt! But I can do better than that, I am sure, in the future; and get right back to the progress that I formerly made. Okay: back to the drawing board!"
Observe and understand that these new, rational Beliefs are the ones that made you change your feelings; and practice changing
1
Ins
your disturbed feelings i
a g
gain h
t and again, by repeating this kind
of rational Belief. If your upsetting feelings do not change as you at- tempt to feel more appropriately, keep fantasizing the
same un-
If You
Backslide,
Try Again 159
pleasant experiences or events and keep working on your gut until you do change your feelings to appropriate ones. Never forget: You create and control your feelings. Therefore, you
can invariably change them.
Once you succeed in feeling sorry, regretful, disappointed, irri- tated, and frustrated rather than anxious, depressed, guilty, and self-downing about your falling back (or about any of your other disruptive emotions and behaviors), and once you see exactly what Beliefs you have changed in your head to make yourself feel badly but not emotionally upset, keep repeating this process. Make your- self feel really disturbed. Then make yourself feel displeased but not disturbed. Then see exactly what you did in your head to change your feelings. Then practice doing this same kind of thing, over and over again.
Keep practicing, until you can easily, after you imagine highly unfortunate experiences (such as falling back in your self-therapy after you have previously made some progress) at point A, feel upset at point C, change your feelings at point C to those of disappointment and sorrow but not upsetness, and see what you keep doing at point B to change your Belief system that creates and maintains your feelings. If you keep practicing this kind of rational emotive imagery (REI) at least once (and preferably two or three times) every day for the next few weeks, you will tend to reach the point where whenever you think of this same kind of unpleasant event, or it actually occurs in your life, you will easily and automatically feel displeased and sorry rather than inappropri- ately depressed and self-downing.
REI, then, can be done imaginatively before an unfortunate event (like falling back in your progress) occurs. It can also be done at the same time that the event actually occurs. And if
you miss doing it when it occurs, it can be done an hour later, or a day or two later. In all cases, you let yourself feel really guilty, ashamed, de- pressed, or anxious, and then you push yourself to feel disap- pointed and frustrated but not truly upset.
Suppose you promise yourself to do REI at least once a day about your falling back from your RET progress (or about anything
else that you upset yourself about) and suppose that you keep postponing it and failing to do it. You can then use reinforcement by rewarding yourself with something you really like to do (such as reading, eating, television viewing, or social contacts with your friends) after you have done the rational imagery as often as you
1
Insight
have promised yourself to do it; and you can penalize yourself with something you really dislike (such as eating something obnoxious, contributing to a cause you hate, burning a twenty dollar bill, or getting up a half hour earlier in the morning) when you have not done REI as you have promised yourself to do it. You may do REI without this kind of reinforcement or penalizing, but if you have trouble doing it this way, then you may help yourself by resorting to reinforcement methods.
Similarly, if you procrastinate on any other important task, you can reward yourself after you do it and penalize yourself when you don't This system won't absolutely make you do what you want to do. But it will often help!
CHAPTER
18 Insight No. 13: You Can Extend Your Refusal to Make Yourself Miserable
RET gives you two kinds of solutions to your emotional problems:
(1) Immediate, limited, and short-lived answers; and (2) Long-lived, extended, and elegant answers. Even its less elegant and short-range answers are pretty good: For they show you how to quickly rid yourself of feelings of anxiety, depression, self-hatred, hostility, and self-pity. And how to reduce your lethargy,
incompe-
tence,
procrastination,
phobias,
compulsions, and addictions.
But RETs extended and long-lasting solutions are better.
For they show you-
How to maintain your improvement.
How to rarely upset yourself again in the same way. How to quickly recover when you fal back.
How to generalize from your original disturbance to other upsets that you may experience.
How to overcome--and maintain your victory over-any kind of neurotic problem for the rest of your life.
How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable over anything-yes, anything.
For RET insists that your neurotic problems stem from three ba- sic kinds of godlike, musturbatory thinking, and that ,if you surren- der your unrealistic and unscientific dogmas, you can see that all your emotional problems stem from similar irrational Beliefs. You
can then extend your RET answers to your other destructive be- haviors. RET thereby gives you specific and general solutions to emotional pain.
161
Insight
This brings us to Insight No. 13: Once you understand the
basic irrational Beliefs (iRs) you create to upset yourself, you
can use this understanding to explore, attack, and surrender
your other present and future emotional problems.
How do you broaden your use of RET from solving one set of
emotional problems to reducing your other miseries? Here are some ways to extend your results to other possible troubles:
1. Show yourself that your present upsetness and the ways in which you create it are not unique. Admit that virtually all your emotional problems are created by your own irrational Beliefs (iBs). Therefore-fortunatelyl-you can uncreate these iBs by firmly and steadily disputing and acting against them.
2. Once again, recognize that you mainly use these irrational Beliefs (iBs) to disturb yourself:
(a) "I must do well and have to be approved by people whom I find importarit." This iB makes you feel anxious, depressed, and
self-hating; and leads you to avoid doing things at which you may fail and to run away from relationships that may not turn out well.
(b) "Other people must treat me fairly and nicely!" This iB makes you feel angry, furious, violent, and over-rebellious.
(c) "The conditions under which I live must be comfortable and free from major hassles!" This iB creates feelings oflow fru -
tration tolerance and self-pity; and sometimes those of anger an(I
depression. It also leads to procrastination, compulsions, and addicti
ons.
3. Recognize that when you employ these three dogmatic
musts you easily derive several other irrational conclusions from them. Such as:
(a) "Because I am not doing as well as I must, I am an incom- petent, worthless person!" (Self-downing)
(b) "Since I am not being approved by important people, as I
Insight
have to be, it's awful and terrible! It's the end of the world!" (Awfulizing; terribleizing; catastrophizing) (c) "Because others are not treating me as fairly and as nicely as they absolutely should treat me, they are utterly
rotten people
and deserve to be damned!"
(Damnation)
You Can Extend Your Refusal
163
(d) "Since the conditions under which I live are not as com- fortable as they should be, and since my life has several major hassles, as it must not have, I can't stand it!
My existence is a horror!" (Can't-stand-it-itis)
(e) "Because I have failed as I ought not and have been re- jected as I absolutely should not have been, I'll always
fail and never get accepted as I must bel My life will be hopeless
and
joyless
forever!"
(Overgeneralizing;
hopelessness)
4. Work at seeing that these irrational Beliefs often and
gener ally upset you. See that you bring them to many
different kinds of undesirable situations.
Realize that in just about all cases where you feel anxious and depressed and where you act foolishly you are consciously or un- consciously sneaking in one or more of these iBs.
Consequently, if you reject them in one area and are still disturbed about something else, you can use the same RET
principles to discover your irra- tional Beliefs in the new area and to eliminate them there.
5. Keep showing yourself that it is almost impossible to if
disturb yourself in any way
you abandon your rigid,
if
dogmatic shoulds. oughts, and musts and you replace
them with Hexible (though stil strong) desires and preferences.
6. Continue to acknowledge that you can change your irrational Beliefs (iBs) by powerfully using the scientific method. With scientific thinking, you can show yourself that your irrational Be- liefs are only assumptions-not facts. You can logically and realisti- cally Dispute them in many ways, such as these:
(a) You can show yourself that your iBs are self-defeating- that they interfere with your goals and your happiness. For if you rigidly convince yourself, "I must
succeed at imPortant tasks and have to be approved by all the important people I meet," you will at times fail and be disapproved-and thereby make yourself feel anxious and depressed instead of sorry and frus- trated.
(b) Your irrational Beliefs do not conform to reality-andes- pecially do not conform to the fact that humans are imperfect
and fallible.
Ifyou always had to succeed, if the universe commanded that you must do so, you obviously would always succeed.
And of
course you often don't!
Ins
If you invariably had i t g
o be h
t approved by others, you
could never be disappointed. But clearly you frequently are!
The universe plainly does not always give you everything you
demand. So although your desires are often realistic, your god- like commands definitely are not!
(c) Your irrational Beliefs do not follow from your rational
premises or assumptions and are therefore illogical and absurd. "I strongly want to succeed" doesn't lead to
·'Therefore I must!" No matter how desirable justice is, it never, therefore, has to exist.
Although the scientific method is not infallible or
sacred, it
helps you discover which of your beliefs are irrational and self- defeating and how to use facts and logical thinking to give them up. If you think scientifically, you wil avoid dogma and keep your hypotheses about yourself, about other people, and about the world always open to change.
7. Try to establish some main goals and pdrposes in life-goals
that you would like very much to reach but that you never
abso lutely must attain. Keep checking to see how you are coming along
with these goals. At times revise them. See how you feel when you achieve them. You don't have to have long-range goals.
But they help!
8. If you get bogged down and begin to lead a life that seems miserable or dull, review the points made here and work at using them. There's rarely any gain without pain!
Many of my clients, alas, refuse to extend their use of RET, even though it helped them to quickly-sometimes
..miraculously"- overcome the problem that drove them to therapy. Because, often, they have low frustration tolerance (LFf) and refuse to march on to extended and elegant RET
solutions.
Not so Malvina. When she first came to RET, she was a highly attractive nineteen-year-old student, majoring in history.
Although
You
bright an C
d tal an
ented (es
E t pecia d
lly in
1
67
music), she was a social
basket case. She was too shy to date. She had no close female friends. She considered herself plain and not too intelligent.
She was severely
depressed and often thought about suicide. She had no real career goals. She hated her parents-both of whom were severely de- pressed, too-and blamed them for her troubles.
Ins
Three years of psychoanalysi i
s g
had h
t done little for Malvina
but only helped her become more hostile toward her family and de- pendent on her analyst. Althoug
h he
r friends did their
best to get her away from the analyst, nothing worked until he had a heart at- tack, retired, and moved to Florida. She tried to keep in touch with him by phone, but he finally refused her calls. The only rea- son she agreed to see me was that at that time I was his exact age, fifty-one, and looked somewhat like him.
For many months I got nowhere with Malvina, as I tried to show her that her own crooked, self-damning thoughts-and not the
•'horrible teachings" of her parents-mainly created her feelings of
depression. At first, she wouldn't accept these RET
techniques.
I kept showing her that she had several strong irrational Beliefs-especially, "I must always be exceptionally beautiful, bright, and lovable and I'm worthless when I fall short ofthisl"
She finally admitted, "I guess you're right. I am idiotically depressing myself." But instead of working to give this up, she immediately
started berating herself "for being so stupidly irrational,"
and she became, if possible, more depressed.
On several occasions, Malvina talked so much about suicide that I encouraged her to go for anti-depressants and to consider en- tering a hospital. She refused to consider medication, but the threat of being hospitalized encouraged her to work at accepting and using RET.
First, Malvina stopped blaming herself for being so disturbed.
She worked hard to stop upsetting herself about being upset; and she began to accept herself with her depression.
Although when Malvina stopped damning herself for being dis- turbed she became one of the most relaxed depressives I have ever seen, she still often blamed herself for her
"plainness" (she had
"'too large" a nose), for her "stupidity" (she only achieved Bs in- stead of As at math), and for her lack of career goals. But-because
she now really saw the ABCs of RET and saw how Disputing helped her give up the irrational Belief that she must not be
You
depressed-she C
decid an
ed to
E twork a dt o
1
vercoming all 67
her
self- dam
ning. She did.
Malvina first accepted herself with her "plainness"-and then saw that she was fairly attractive. She stopped blaming herself for her "stupidity"-and then realized she was intelligent. She con-1
Insight
vinced herself that it was too
bad but not awful, that she had no career vocational goals-and then started planning to get some.
Although she now realized she was attractive and bright, Malvina used rational emotive imagery to vividly imagine herself
becoming really ugly and stupid. She then made herself feel only sorry and regretful, instead of depressed, because she told herself that even under these grim conditions, she still could-and
would -accept herself and strive to lead a fairly happy existence.
After several months of refusing to belittle herself, Malvina for the first time in her life felt completely undepressed.
Better yet, she realized that she could soon reduce her other feelings of anxi- ety and shame by strongly counterattacking all her self-putdowns.
To make her gains more solid, Malvina also tackled her awfulizing and concluded, "It's not awful -only annoying -
that I am not very good in math!" She worked against her can'tstand-it- itis, until she convinced herself, "I can bear my large nose though I'll never like it." And she fought stoutly against her ideas of hope- lessness and replaced them with, "Although I haven't come up with a suitable career yet, there's no reason why I never will. It's hard to find something I really will like. But it's hardly hopeless!" In addition to using scientific thinking and firmly attacking her dogmatic musts, Malvina began helping her friends see and Dispute their own irrational Beliefs. She did so well in this respect that she finally found her career. She went for graduate work in clinical psychology and for the last fifteen years has been an excel- lent rational-emotive therapist.
She enjoys her work immensely. She has several close friends.
After a few years of comfortable dating, she successfully married and is the happy (and rational!)
mother of a nine-year-old
daughter.
Is Malvina now happy because she is a successful psychologist,
wife, mother, and friend? Yes. But she insists, when I see her at professional meetings, ·that she would be undepressed and unanxious even if she had failed in these respects. I believe her, because she has worked exceptionally hard at extending
You
the ABCs C
and an
DEs of
E t RET d
to a
1
ny feelings of anxiety and
depression she may experience. So she has achieved the elegant rational-emotive solu- tion.
You, once you use RET to overcome any of your main problems, may not have to work as hard as Malvina to generalize and extend it
1
Insight
to your other emotional difficult
ies. But if you do, you do!
If you follow RET's Insight No. 13, you can use the rational ideas that helped you overcome one problem to show yourself how you can conquer other neurotic difficulties. Once again-if you work at doing sol
Exercise No. 18
I
magine that you have overcome one of your greatest anxieties-- such as your fear of writing, or public speaking, or sexual rejec- tions, or doing'poorly at work. You are feeling fine about this, but now you see that ;ou have developed a new fear-say, talking to people at parties or other social gatherings.
First, see if you feel really upset-downed or depressed-about this new anxiety. If you do, use rational emotive imagery to make yourself feel only disappointed with your behavior, but not horrified about you, the person who has fallen back.
To change your inappropriate feeling, tell yourself rational self-statements, such as: "I don't like my foolishly falling back and creating a new irrational fear, but that doesn't make me a
total fool!" Or: ''Too bad
Icreated another silly anxiety, but I'm still fallible in that respect
and I can work at becoming somewhat less fallible but never per- fect."
Once you real y begin to accept you in spite of your new irrational behavior, look for the things in common between the irrational Beliefs (iBs) creating your new anxiety and those that you worked on to give up your old anxiety. For example, suppose you previously feared doing poorly at work and you now fear socializing at parties.
Your previous iB may have been: "I must impress my fellow workers." Your new iB may be: "I must impress the people I meet at social gatherings."
Again, your old iB may have been, "My fellow workers must not put me down. If they do and I don't tell them off, I'm a real
schnook and a wimp!" Your new iB may be, "People at social gath erings must not scorn me and laugh at me. If they do
You
and I don't ver C
y wit an
tily get b
E t ack at dthe
1
m, I'm a schnook an
d
an idiot!"
When you discover the common irrational Beliefs that led to the
Ins
1
original anxiety you ov i
er g
cam h
t e and you see how they are
repeated to create your new set of anxieties, use the same kind of Disputing and the same kind
of other RET techniques that
you successfully used to.overcome your previous irrational fears and persist at them until you also can use them to overcome your new fears.
Since there are only a few basic iBs that lead to anxiety, depres · sion, guilt, hostility, and self-downing, when you see that you have a new disturbed feeling, or a variation of one of the old ones, as· sume that you once again can find the iBs that you are using to create your new symptoms. And when you do find these iSs- which you will, if you persist -use techniques of Disputing and other RET procedures which you found worked well on the old emotional problems. Don't give up! Keep working at it! And almost invariably you will find that similar neurotic symptoms stem from similar iBs. Try generalizing in this respect-and see how well it often works!
The same thing goes for your selt-defeating behaviors. You may
have been compulsively addicted, say, to overeating and you overcame your addiction by discovering your iBs-such as, "I
need this delicious food, I can't stand being deprived of itl"-
and by changing them. Now you may be compulsively addicted to smok· ing or to caffeine, and you can often find similar needs
and Ican't· standits that are making you addicted. If you formerly proved to yourself that you don't need delicious food and can stand being de. prived of it, you can similarly now prove to yourself that you do not need smoking or caffeine and definitely can stand their loss. Just as you once forced yourself to uncomfortably push away the extra food, you can now force yourself to push away the unnecessary cig- arettes and coffee.
You were uncomfortable but did not die the first time. Nor will you die of discomfort now!
You can also generalize from your successful use of emotive RET
techniques. Thus, you may have overcome your guilt about not vis- iting your in-laws every week by very vigorously telling yourself, 'Tm not upsetting them by refusing to see them as often as they demand. They are responsible for their own upsetness. Too bad! If they hate me, they hate me! I can live
with that. At worst, I'm rot· ten to my in-laws but that doesn't make me a rotten person!" To get over guilt or shame about
other things- Y
such ou
as disc
people or C
not a
bein n
g the
E t losgreat d
ing o
est p
ne
are
1
of your weaknesses to
nt who
Ins
1
igh
ever lived-you can generali t
ze f rom your past RET success
and use a similar emotive method to overcome the new aspect
of your self-downing.
Whenever, then, you have used RET to reduce one aspect of your disturbance, ask yourself how you can use it to overcome
other aspects. And practice using this RET technique again and
again in somewhat similar circumstances until it becomes second nature for you to employ it in various areas of your disturbance.
CHAPTER 19
Insight No. 14: Yes, You Can
Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself
Severely Anxious or Depressed About
Anything
Suppose the very worst-yes, the worst-happens, can you still stubbornly refuse to make yourself severely anxious or depressed about anything?
Yes. Definitely, yes.
If
use your creativity, you p
can a
be u r
nmi tl
serabl y
e-
human.
you even
creative
Don't forget that you are a
and at times even
happy-under some of the most unfortunate conditions.
Let me illustrate with an extreme case, which was told to me years ago by a famous American musician. He knew an elderly re- tired couple who had lost their only child, a bright and very attrac- tive boy, when he died of pneumonia at the age of six. They took this loss very well, and continued to do so even after they tried
unsuccessfully to have another child.
For many years after their son's death, people would say to them, "Isn't it sad that you lost such a charming child?
Imagine how nice it would be ifhe were still alive. He would be such a com- fort to you. He'd probably be married by now and you'd have grandchildren to lighten your life as you grow older. Of course, you are very sad about such a great loss!"
"Oh, no," this couple would immediately respond. "We don't feel sad at all when we think about Marvie and his death."
"You don't?" would come the astonished query.
"No, of course not. He was such a fine boy and led such a good
171
172 Insight
No. 14
life while he was here. And now that he's gone, we are sure that God is taking the best of care of him in Heaven, and that he is, and will always be, very happy there. So we are not at all sad about what happened to him."
Both these parents would then genumely beam and convince ev- eryone, especially themselves, how happy they were in the face of this grim loss.
Cover-up? Defensive denial? I would say, yes. Did this couple
repress their underlying feelings of sadness, perhaps even depres- sion? Again, probably yes. So I by no means recommend their refusing to acknowledge their severe loss. In fact, I am highly sus- picious of it.
The main point I am making, however, is this; People
can
change their feelings. No matter what happens to them, they can creatively decide to feel one way or another about it. And they have quite a range of possible feelings to choose from!
Do you really want to test out this freedom of choice in your own life? All right, let's experiment. Let us imagine some of the worst things that might happen to you-things that you would clearly dislike, and about which vou might easily make yourself anxious, depressed, or enraged. I am going to present some of these grim events to you and ask you, if you strongly use the RET insights we have been discussing in this book, how you would rationally cope with them and make yourself feel appropriately sad, displeased, and annoyed but not
inappropriately panicked and destroyed.
Read}'?
Questwn; Suppose you find, after a long search, a job that is
ideal for you and suppose you foolishly come late to work, are lazy, act nastily to your boss, and get fired. What can you rationally and emotionally tell yourself?
RET Answer; You can cell yourself; "Too bad! I certainly behaved poorly this time. But that hardly makes me a stupid or in- competent person. Just someone who needlessly did myself in. Now what can I do to find another job like this one, work hard at it, and please my boss? But even if I never get as
good a job again, I am determined to do the best I can, and to be as effective and as happy as I can be with a worse position."
Question: Suppose you have a serious accident and lose an arm or a leg--or even your vision-how can you manage to live with
those kinds of
handicaps?
Yes, You Can
173
RET Answer: Not so welll You certainly would feel greatly deprived and frustrated. But not necessarily depressed! If you tell yourself, "Although my abilities and pleasures are seriously lim- ited, I can still do many interesting and enjoyable things and can find ways to compensate for my disabilities.
Instead of focusing dis- mally on what I can not do, I can concentrate on the many interests and pleasures I can still have and thereby almost guarantee myself a reasonably happy existence."
Question: Suppose you bought a stock at a low price, felt anxious about how high it might go, and sold it only at a small profit, instead of the large amount you could have made if you had held on to it a while longer. Can you still refuse to make yourself miserable about that?
RET Answer: You damned well can! Even if you stupidly sold at exactly the wrong time and lost money on the stock, while every-body else held on until they made a mint, you could make yourself feel disappointed-but not self-hating-about your loss.
You could convince yourself, "If I choose to gamble at anything, I had better acknowledge that it is a gamble, and that there is never a certainty of winning. Second, no one buys and sells stocks and always makes maximum gains. Including mel Third, it was good that I made any thing on the deal. What luck!
Fourth, this gives me a chance to see what I am doing to foolishly make myself anxious about this deal, and what I can do in the future to make myself less anxious. Fifth, making a pile of money is good and will make me happier. But I can also be distinctly happy with less money. Ifi stop berating my- self for making less!"
Question: Suppose your beloved mate or one of your close friends for whom you really care dies. How can you rationally deal with that great
loss?
RET Answer: By steadfastly
accepting, without at all
liking, what
you can't change. Firmly tell yourself: "Death, so far, is inevitable for all of us. Nor could I have prevented this death. I shall miss this person considerably and feel truly deprived of companionship and pleasure. But I can still think of the fine times we did have. And I
can realize that he or she gave me great joy, though the feeling I had was my feeling and I can have similar feelings and pleasure with others. What can I now do to increase my ability to love and to find suitable partners to care for?"
Question: Suppose you no longer can enjoy the main things you
174 Insight
No. 14
used to enjoy-such as sports, or work, or romantic love, or sex. Isn't that good reason to feel depressed?
RET Answer: Definitely not! You would then clearly have
less
satisfaction, less pleasure in life. But hardly none. Unless you fool- ishly depress yourself by telling yourself, "I must still have these former enjoyments." Then you will ruin your life and enjoy virtu- ally nothing. But if you no longer can thrill to sports, work, sex, or anything else, you can almost certainly, as long as you are truly alive, find something that you really like.
What? Seek, experiment and find out. Just thinking can be enjoyable. Or even television! As long as you stop convincing yourself that life without certain plea- sures is totally
unsatisfying!
Question: Suppose you are in constant physical pain (for exam- ple, from advanced cancer), you really don't enjoy anything, and you are pretty certain that this painful existence will continue until you die. What can you then do to avoid real misery?
RET Answer: Very little, physically. And emotionally you would hardly be happy! If I were in that sad condition and had no important goal to keep fulfilling-such as to help my loved ones or to finish a major project-1 might rationally, calmly, decide to pain- lessly kill myself. For though I definitely find life good, it is hardly
sacred, and, is not good under all conditions. So if my pain blocked all satisfactions, I would see little sense in living. But I wouldn't desperately depart. I would feel thankful for the life I had had, feel sorry that it was now so painful, and feel glad that I could think of some quick way of ending it. My other choice might well be to fo- cus on some important thing I could d(}-
such as finish a major book I was writing-and bear my pain until I at least finished this project. In either case, I would use rational thinking to show my- self that even the "worst"
conditions are not "horrible."
Question: Suppose you find a most unusual love partner with whom you are very happy and you then act so meanly with this person that he or she leaves you and goes off with someone else. How can you stubbornly refuse to make yourself depressed?
RET Answer: By doing exactly that: stubbornly refusing to make yourself depressed. You can tell yourself, "That was mean behaviorbut that never makes me a mean and rotten
person! I'd better admit that I made myself unlovable this time and ruined a fine relationship. But again, this foolish conduct
doesn't by any means make me a totally unlovable individual.
If I recognize my
Yes. You Can
175
great loss and truly regret it, I can work hard at being less mean and more caring in the future and do my best to win back my part- ner's love. Or. if that is impossible, I can push myself to look for another mate, act much better next time, and work to establish a fine relationship.''
Question; Suppose that you know for sure that you're soon to die in an atomic holocaust and that, in fact, the whole human race wil perish with you and completely die out. How would you feel, and what would you do?
RET Answer: Let me, once again, give my own answer. For a few minutes, I would make myself feel damned sad and frustrated. "What fools these mortals bel How foolish and unnecessary!'· I would tell myself. "But if that's the way humans are, that's the way they are! Tough!" Then I would try my best to have a damned good time-eating, loving, and having sex while listening to great
musicl-during the last minutes or days of my one and only earthly
exist
ence.
What do all these questions and answers show? That much of your discomfort, pain, failure, rejection, and loss cannot be avoided or eliminated. Life, as we say in RET, is frequently spelled
H-A-S-S-L-E. A good deal of it, with thought and effort, you can greatly improve. Not ali Not completely!
Tough. But not awful, not horrible, not terrible. Just tough. Now-how are you going to arrange for greater
enjoyment?
Notes
177
CHAPI'ER 1
1. The main other self.help RET books that I have published, which partially but
not completely cover some of the material in the present book, include: Ellis, 1972a, 1972b, 1976a, 1977, 1979; Ellis & Becker, 1982; Ellis & Harper, 1961, 1975; Ellis & Knaus, 1977; Ellis, Wolfe & Moseley, 1966.
CHAPI'ER 2
1. Bandura, 1977; Beck, 1976; Bernard, 1986; El is, 1957, 1962, 1971, 1973, 1977a; El is & Abrahms, 1978; El is & Bernard, 1983, 1985; El is & Dryden, 1987; Ellis & Grieger, 1986; Ellis & Harper, 1961, 1975; Ellis & Whiteley, 1979;
Goldfried & DaviSon, 1976; Glasser, 1965; Guidano & Uotti, 1983; Mahoney, 1974; Mahoney & Freeman, 1985; Martin, 1987; Meichenbaum, 1977; Raimy,
1976; Wolfe & Brand,
1977.
2. Same references as in No 1, Chapter
2. 3. Elis, 1962, 1973; 1977a, 1985a, 1985b, 1987a, 1987b; Horney, 1945.
4. DiGiuseppe, Miller & Trexler, 1979; Ellis, 1979; Engels & Diekstra, 1987; Haaga & Davison, in press; McGovern & Silverman, 1984; Miller & Berman, 1983; Smith & Glass, 1977.
CHAPI'E
R 3
1. Bartley, 1962: Popper, 1962; Russel ,
1965.
CHAPI'ER $
1. Freud,
1965.
2. El is, 1962,
1968.
CHAPTER 6
1. Beck, 1976; Lazarui, 1966; Lazarus & Folkman, 1984; Meichenbaum, 1971;
Wolpe, 1984.
1. Horney, 1945.
2. Ellis, 1976b.
a. Ellis, 1958.
CHAPI'ER 8
4. See reference in Note 4, Chapter 2.
5. Baisden, 1980; Beck, 1967, 1976; Smith, in press.
CHAPTER 9
1. Bard, 1980; Bernard, 1986; El is, 1957, 1962, 1971, 1973, 1985a; El is ('!(
Dryden, 1987; Ellis & Grieger, 1986; Ellis & Whiteley, 1979; Grieger & Boyd, 1980; Grieger & Grieger, 1982; Martin, 1987; Maultsby, 1984; Walen, DiCiwseppe & Wessler, 1980; Wessler & Wessler, 1980: Wolfe & Brand, 1977.
179
180
Notes
CHAPTER 11
1. Bernard, 1986; Ellis, 1962, 1985a, 1987a; Ellis & Becker, 1982; Ellis & Bernard, 1985; Ellis & Dryden, 1987; Ellis & Harper, 1975.
CHAPTER 12
1. El is, 1962, 1971, 1976a, 1979a; El is & Abrahms, 1978; El is & Becker, 1982; El is & Dryden, 1987; El is & Knaus, 1977.
CHAPTER 13
1. Ellis, 1958, 1962, 1973, 1985a; Ellis & Dryden, 1987; Ellis & Grieger, 1986; Ellis & Whiteley, 1979.
2. El is, 1962, 1985a, 1987a; El is & Abrahms, 1978; El is & Becker, 1982; El is & Dryden, 1987; El is & Whiteley, 1979..
3. Ellis, 1954.
4. Jones, 1924a, 1924b; Watson & Rayner,
1920. 5. El is, 1954, 1962.
CHAPTER 14.
1. Ellis,
1962.
2. Adler, 1927, 1964; Coue, 1923; El enberger, 1970; Dubois, 1907.
3. Ellis, 1979-80; 1985a; Ellis & Dryden, 1987.
4. Ellis, 1977b, 1977c, 1987c,
CHAPTER 15
1. Abelson, 1963; Zajonc,
1980. 2. Elis, 1977, 1985a, 1987a, 1987b; Elis & Harper, 1975; Elis & Dryden, 1987.
CHAPTER 16
1. El is, 1984.
2. Ellis, 1973; Ellis & Becker, 1982; Ellis & Harper, 1975; Ellis & Knaus, 1977a; Hauck, 1973; Young, 1974.
References
181
Included in the fol owing list of references are items preceded by an asterisk
(*). These are
materials in the
area of rational-
emotive therapy
(RET), many of
which
are
published
or
distributed by
the Institute for
Rational-
Emotive
Therapy,
East
45
65th
Street,
New York, New
York
10021-
6593, (212) 535-
0822.
The
Institute
will
continue
to
make available
these and other
materials
on
rational-
emotive
therapy, as wel
as to present
talks, seminars,
workshops, and
other
presentations in
the area of
human growth
and
rational
living. you are
H
interested, send
for its current
catalogue
of
publi- cations,
events,
recordings, and
other materials.
Abelson,
R.
P.
(1963).
Computer
stimulation of
"hot" cognition.
In S. Tompkins
S.
&
S.
Messick
(Eds.), Computer stimulation of personality.
New
York:
Wiley.
New
UndA
ersta d
nding ler,
huma
n A.
na
tur(
e. 1927).
Yo
A r New York:
The d
scien lk:
ce er
of livin, G
g.
re
A. en
( b
1 er
92 g
9).
GAreen
Yo
Ri rbk:
b
Ne
on Boo B
ksl w
.u
W d
hat l
li er
fe
s ,b
houl
er
d
A.g
mean .
to ( y19
ou.
31).
e
Adler, A. (1964).
(Ed.) by
Superiority and social interest.
H. L. Ansbacher &
R. Ansbacher.
R.
Evanston,
IL:
Northwestern
University Press.
AYo
ricrk
o :r
New
n.
Cap-
Socd
ial l
int er
erest: ,
A chal A.
lenge t
o
( ma1 nkind. 964).
*Alberti, E.,
R.
&
Emmons, M. L.
(1986).
5th
Your perfect right.
Ed.
S
C an
A: ILu
m ipsa Ob
ct. ispo,
Anderson, C.
(1966). Depression
and suicide
reassessed. Rational Living,
1(2), 31-36.
Ansbacher, L.,
H.
&
Ansbacher,
R.
(1956). The individual psychology of Alfred
New York:
Adler.
Basic Books.
*Ard, B. N., Jr., & Ard,
C.
Palo
Handb
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of Ed
marrias.
ge
) c oun ( se1 ling. 969).
Alto, CA: Science
and
Behavior
Books.
*Baisden, H. E.
(1980). Irrational beliefs: A construct validation study.
Unpublished
do
di cto
sse rral
ta tion.
University of
Minnesota.
B(a1nd
97ur
7)a. , Social learning A.
theory.
En
Cl g
P i le
r ffs w
en , ood
tice-Hall. NJ
:
*B
Rationa a
lemor
tiv d
e
, tJ. herap y (19 in 80 pr) act. ice.
Ch
R a
esmp
earacig
h nP,r e IL
ss. :
183
184
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*Barrish, H. H., & Barrish, I. J. (1985). Managing parental anger: The
coping parent series. Kansas: Overland Press.
Bartley, W. W. (1962). The retreat to commitment. New York: Knopf.
Beck, A. T. (1967). Depression. New York: Hoeber-Harper.
Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders.
New York: International Universities
Press.
Beck, A. T., & Emery, G. (1985). Anxiety disorders and phobias.
New York: Basic
Books.
Beck, A. T., Rush, A. J., Shaw, B. F. & Emery, G. (1979). Cognitive
therapy of depression. New York:
Guilford.
*Bernard, M. E., & DiGiuseppe, R. (Eds.) (in press). Inside
rational
emotive therapy. Orlando, FL: Academic Press.
*Bernard, M. E., & Joyce, M. R. (1984). Rationalemotive therapy
with children and adolescents. New York: Wiley.
*Bernard, M. E. (1986). Staying alive in an irrational world: Albert Ellis
and rationalemotive therapy. South Melbourne, Australia: Carlson/ Macmil an.
Bone, H. (1968). Two proposed alternatives to psychoanalytic interpreta- tion. In E. Hammer (Ed.), Use of interpretation in
treatmenl: (PI. 169-196). New York: Grune and Stratton.
Burns, D. D. (1980). Feeling good: The new mood therutJ ·. New York: Morrow.
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Corey, G. (1986). Case approach to counseling and psychotherapy.
2nd ed. Monterey, CA:
Brooks/Cole.
Coue, E. (1923). My method. New York: Doubleday, Page.
*Crawford, T., & Ellis, A. (in press). A dictionary of rational-emotive feelings and behaviors. journal of RationalEmotive and Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy.
Danysh, J. (1974). Stop without quitting. San Francisco: International So- ciety for General Semantics.
*DiGiuseppe, R. (1975). A developmental study of the efficacy
of rationalemotive education. Ph.D. thesis, Hofstra University.
*DiGiuseppe, R. (1986). The implication of the philosophy of science for rational-emotive theory and therapy. Psychotherapy, 23, 634-639.
*DiGiuseppe, R. A., Mil er, N.J., & Trexler, L. D. (1979). A review of rational-emotive psychotherapy outcome studies. In A. Elis & J.
M. Whiteley (Eds.), Theoretical and empirical foundations of
rational emotive therapy (pp. 218-235) Monterey, CA: Brooks/Cole.
*DiMattia, D. J. (Producer). (1987). Mind over myths: Handling difficult
situations in the workplace. New York: Institute for RationalEmotive
Ther
apy.
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(1984).
Dryden, W.
Rationalemotive therapy:
Fundamentals and innova tions. Beckenham, Kent: Croom-Helm.
(1984).
*Dryden, W.
Rational-emotive therapy. In
W. Dryden (Ed.), In
London: Harper & Row.
235-263).
dividual therapy in Britain (pp.
Problems in living: The Fri- day n (
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workshop. In W. Dry.
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*Dryden, W., Backx, W., & Ellis, A.
n,
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therapy (pp.
London and New
York: Croom Helm.
(1986).
*Dryden, W. & Ellis, A.
Rational-emotive
therapy (RET). In W.
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129-168).
psychotherapy (pp.
London: Harper & Row.
Cognitivebehavioural ap pro (
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*Dryden, W. & Golden, W. L.
n:
Harper & Row.
Rationalemotive therapy: Re c(
ent1986)
developments in the .
ory
*Dryden, W. & Trower, P. (Eds.).
and
practice. Bristol, England: Institute for RET (UK).
(1907).
Dubois, P.
The psychic treatment of
neroous disorders. New York: Funk & Wagnal s.
(1970).
El enberger, H. F.
The discovery of the
unconscious. New York:
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(1951).
Ellis, A.
The folklore of sex. New York:
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(1954).
*Ellis, A.
196 Th1 e Am. eri
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can sexual tragedy. New
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*Ellis, 1962.
A.
How to live with a neurotic: At
home and at work. New York: Crown. Revised edition, Hol ywood, 1975.
CA: Wilshire Books,
(1958).
*Ellis, A.
Rational psychotherapy. journal
35-49.
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*El is, A.
Sex without guilt. New York:
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*Ellis, A. (1960). The art and science of love. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart.
(1962).
*El is, A.
Reason and emotion in
psychotherapy. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart.
*El is, A. (1963). The intel igent woman's guide to manhunting. New York: Lyle Stuart. Rev. ed., The intel igent woman's guide to
dating and mating. Secaucus, NJ: Lyle Stuart,
* 1
Ellis, 9
A. (1 7
965). 9
Supp .
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sed: Seven key essays publishers dared not
print. Chicago: New Classics House.
Ellis, A. (1968). Is psychoanalysis harmful? Psychiatric Opinion, 5(1), 16-25. Reprinted: New York: Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy.
(1969).
*Ellis, A.
A weekend of rational encounter.
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References
*Ellis, A. (1971). Growth through reason. North Holywood, CA: Wil- shire Books.
*Ellis, A. (1972). The civilized couple's guide to extramarital
adventure.
New York: Wyden and Pinnacle Books.
*El is, A. (1972). Conquering lowfrustration tolerance. Cassette record- ing. New York: Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy.
*Ellis, A. (1972). Executive leadership: The rationalemotive
approach.
New York: Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy.
*El is, A. (1972). Helping people get better: Rather than merely feel beter. t R- atio nal Living, 7(2), 2-9.
*El is, A. (1972). How to master your fear of.flying. New York: Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy.
*El is, A. (1972). Psychotherapy and the value of a human being.
New York: Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy.
1<El is, A. (1972). Psychotherapy without tears. In A. Burton (Ed.), Twelve therapists (pp. 103-126). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
*Ellis, A. (1972). The sensuous person. New York: Lyle Stuart and New American Library.
*Ellis, A. (Speaker). (1972). Solving emotional problems. (Cassette recording). New York: Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy.
*El is, A. (Speaker). (1972). The theory and practice of rationalemotive therapy. Videotape. New York: Institute for RationalEmotive Ther-
apy.
*El is, A. (Speaker). (1973). A demonstration with an elementary
school child. Film and videotape. Arlington, VA: American Association for Counseling and Development.
*Ellis, A. (Speaker). (1973). A derrwnstration with a woman fearful of
ex pressing emotions. Film and videotape. Arlington, VA: American Association for Counseling and Development.
*El is, A. (Speaker). (1973). A demonstration with a young divorced
woman. Film and videotape. Arlington, VA: American Association for Counseling and Development.
*El is, A. (Speaker). (1973). How to stubbornly refuse to be ashamed
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1
*McGovern, T. E., & Silverman, R
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Appendix
Sample ERT Homework Report
2
03
-
...._for SAMPL• HOM.WORK R.PORT
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DISPU n N G OR IDATIJIIG YOOR IRRATIONAL JIEUEPS
(SIIe ihis in Ute form of questioni)
I. Wloor - u s tr o w{ o l f t w, ., t o a t : lrl r tr t - y. •
2. Wl.r l'dll't l Sloltltlw ir 11111/flirM I
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S. Howdo lh o wf iWI' k wi ll oi -.Y Ji fY fii ,.I UI/ Di r/1
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EFfEC TS OF DISftJTJNG OR DElATING YOUR IRRATIONAL BELIEFS
,..
-
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eV --
_... . .. ,- (desin oble behaviors)
l....,...,n efeelinl•l
.
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7
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y
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IINNN'.Y·
IH'CIIU
lfr/tMt m ll i w <>filf d t ll ll u ""''o f
wt
ro/sirt riM - ,.
t"rtill-'
I. FOLLOW·UP. What new GOALS would 1now like to work on? . . . ............................................................. .
Wb8t apecir : ACTIONS would 1Dow like to take? ......................................................................................... ..
2.
How soon after feeling or noting your undesirable emotional CONSEQUENCES (ueC's) or your undesirable behavoril CONSEQUENCES (ubC's) of your irrational BELIEFS (iB's) did y011look for these iB's and DISPUTE them? .................
.............................................. ,.............................................. ,............................................................... .
How viaorously did you dispute them?
........................................................................................................ ..
.·......................................................................................................................................................... .
If you didn't dispute them, why did you not do
so?. ....................................................................................... ..
3. Specirte: HOME WO RK ASSIGNM E NT(S ) pven you by your therapi st, your poup or yoursel f; . . ..........................
4. What did you actually do to carry out the assi&JlmeDI(s)?
. . ......................................................................... .
S. How many times have you actually worked at your homework assignments during the put week?
. . ...................... ..
6. How many times have you actually worked at DISPUTING your iaational BELIEFS during the put week? ................
7. Things you would DOW like to discuss with your therapist or poop
. . ............................................................ ..
1976 by the Institute for Rational Uvfna, lnc.,4S East 65th Street, N1w York, N.Y. 10021
Index
209
A
backsliding, at RET, 151, 153-54,
159
ABCs of RET, 52-54, 69, 75, 76,
93,
100,154,165
Abelson, Robert, 131
Activating Events (A), 10, 52,
69, 70, 76, 93, 95,117,143,154,158
active reconditioning, 110
Alfr A
ed, 11 d
8
ler,
American Psychological
Associa- tion,60
American Sexual Tragedy,
(Ellis), 110
analysis,
existential, 85
anger,47,58,121-24
anti-anger program, 124-25
8lDde
,16,17,19,22,47,119,132,
143
arrogant thinking, 23
Aurelius, Marcus, 14
awareness, 45
and insight, 45
-oriented psychotherapies, 118
awfulizing, 17,19, 55, 61, 63,
64, 65, 79, 148, 149, 162
B
Bandura, Albert, 109
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy
(CBT), 10,12,110
basic irrational Beliefs, of RET, 60
cognitive therapy, 118
Beck, Aaron, 46
Consequences(C),53,69, 77, 78,89,
Beck Depression Inventory, 60
95,117,154,158
behaviortherapy,85,110
contingency management, 151
Belief System (B), 10,
69,95 Bronx Botanical
conventional insight, 39
Gardens, 110
"cool" thoughts, 55, 131
Burns, Dr. D.O. (Feeling Good),
Coue, Emile, 118
41
D
c
depression,
catastrophizing, 162
16,49,132,143,165,
Catch-22 (ofLFT), 120
childhood experiences, fal acy
166
of, 69-70
211
212
falsifYing, 30, 31-32, 34
Feeling Good (Burns), 41
feelings, appropriate and
DE
s (Disputing exercises), 166. See
inappro-
also Disputing.
priate, 45-48, 49-50
desensitation technique
(Wolpe), 111
deservingness, 20, 31, 33, 34
despair, 16
Dewey, John, 14, 55
discomfort disturbance, 118-
19 Disputing (D), 11, 56, 77, 78, 80-
83,
87-88,98-
99,111,122,124,132,
135,149-50,154,166
Disputing Irrational Beliefs
(DffiS), 125-26
questions used in, 126-
29 downing,19,58
dread, 17
Dubois, Paul, 118
Dyer, Wayne W. (Your
Erroneous
Zones), 9
E
Effective New Philosophy (E),
11,
77, 87,155
ego disturbance, 118
emotional destiny, and
RET, 50
emotional (neurotic)
problems, 94-
95,101,162
Epictetus, 14, 17,53
exercises
(RET), 18-
20,26-27,35-
37, 42-43, 48-50, 65-67, 72-73,
79-83, 89-91, 96-101, 112-15,
125- 29, 135-39, 147-52, 157-60,
167- 69
existential ana1ysis, 85
Eysenck, Hann, 109
F
Index
insight:
and awareness, 45
conventional,
39
guilt,49
hysterical,
108 insight
into, 46, 49
negative, 47
positive, 49
4RE
6Freu,dia 4T,
8, 108
and
n therapists, 110
G
general semantics, 17
Goals (G), 52-55, 93
Guide to Personal Happiness
(Ellis), 145
gullt feelings, 49
H
Hamlet, 53 A.
Harper, Robert
(:4. New Guide to Rational
Living), 9
Hauck, Paul (Overcoming
Depres sion), 145
Horney, Karen, 17, 59
horribleizing, 61, 79
hostility, 16
"hot" thoughts, 131,132
"How to Deal With
Backsliding,"
153
How to Maintain and
Enhance Your RationalEmotive
Therapy
Gains, 142, 153
Humanistic Psychotherapy
(Ellis), 145
hysterical feelings, 108
I
1-can't-stand-it-itis, 19, 79,
97,149, 163,166
Index
213
m
into feelings, 46, 49
usts. See musturbation and
psychoanalytic, 40
must- ing.
in RET, 40-42, 117, 144
musturbation and musting, 17, 20,
insistences, 41
21, 24, 26, 27, 42, 55, 56, 58, 59,
Institute of Rational-Emotive
60-61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 75, 76, 77,
Ther- apy,71,125,141,157
78, 80-83,91, 97, 109, 118,
intellectual therapies, 118
143,
irrational Beliefs (iBs), 11,18,
148,149,161
31-351
hidden, 66-67
37, 43, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59-60, 62,
three major, 66-67
70,72-73, 75,87 ,95,99,109,
110,122,124,125-
N
27, 132,133,
134,135,137,142,146,156,
negativefeelings,15,4
15
7 nervousness,17,19
162,163,164,167,168
neurosis, source of, 23
Disputing. See Disputing.
neurotic (emotional) problems, 94-
three main, 60
95,101,162
New Guide to Rational Living, A
J
(Ellis and Harper), 9, 17, 85, 125,
145,157
Janet, Pierre, 118
"No-Cop-Out-Therapy," 51
Journal of General Psychology,
107
0
K
operantconditioning,15
1 origination of RET, 9
Kant, Immanuel, 14
oughts,19-20,55,58,59,62,63,14
Kelly, George, 23
sK
Overcoming Depression (Hauck),
145
Overcoming Procrastination (Ellis),
k o
i,rz
Alfredy, 17 b
145
overgeneralization,19
L
p
Lazarus, Arnold, 111
Lazarus, Richard, 46
panic, 16, 17, 19,47, 90, 143
low frustration tolerance (LFT)
positive feelings, 49
1
118,119,120,126,164
practical (reality) problems, 93-95,
96, 97,100
M
preferences, 41, 42, 57, 58
principles of RET, 24
maintenance, of emotional
principles of work and
impro- vement, 142-45, 147
practice (RET),121
maintenance practices (RET),
147 Mark, Isaac, 109
Meichenbaum, Donald, 46
methods of RET, 35, 121
as self-treatment, 76
214
studies of, 18
pnxrastination,160,161
as "systems theory," 95
theory of, 17
p
inunderstanding early life, 71-
choanalyms,51,69,85,110
72
psychoanalytic insight, 40
Psychology Today, 51
psychotherapy, 141
awareness-oriented, 118
Q
questions used inoms, 126-
29
R
Rachman,
Stanley, 109
rage,16,22
rational Beliefs (rBs), 54, 57, 58,
72-
73,76-77,146,158
Rational Counseling Primer, A
(Young), 145
rational emotive imagery (RET),
157,159-60
Rational-Emotive Therapy
(RET): ABCs of, 52-54, 69, 75, 76, 93,
100, 154,165
bamc irrational Beliefs of,
60 and emotional destiny,
50 exercises, 18-20, 26-27, 35-37,
42- 43,48-50,65-67,72-73, 79-
83,89-
91, 96-101, 112-15, 125-29,
135-
39,147-52,157-60,167,69
and feelings,
46, 48, 108
andinmght, 40-42,117,144
Institute of, 71, 125, 141, 157
maintenance practices, 147
methods of, 35, 121
"No-Cop-Out Therapy," 51
origination of, 9
principles of, 24
principles of work and practice,
121 Self-Help Form, 101-103
Index
T
rational humorous songs,
122-25 reality (practical)
tenibleizing, 63, 64, 65, 79,162
problems, 93-95,
"Techniques for Disputing
96,97,100
Irration-
Reason and Emotion in Psychoal Beliefs," 125
therapy (Ellis),
theory ofRET, 17
85,109,117,144
therapy group, 75-
reconditioning, active, 110-
76,78,89,155
11 reinforcement,
151,152,159,160
Rogerian terapists, 110
Russell, Bertrand, 14
s
scientific analyms, 31-35
scientific method, 24-25, 29-
30, 37
self-awareness, 15
self-change, 15
self-consciousness, 15
self-dialogue, 135-37
self-downing, 19, 58, 69, 90,
142 self-hatred, 21, 39, 143
Self-Help Form (RET), 101-103
&elf-honesty, exercise in, 89-
91 &elf-pity, 21, 143
&elf-treatment, RET as, 76
sex therapy, 110
Shakespeare, William, 53
shame-attacking exercise,
91, 122
8houlds,19,20,49,55,62,63,6
5, 118, 143, 148, 149, 150
tyranny of, 59
Skinner, B.F., 151
songs, rational humorous,
122-25
Spinoza, Baruch, 14
stoics, 53
supernatural, the, 30
studies ofRET, 18
"system theory," RET as, 95
215
Index
therapies:
Watson, John B., 110
cognitive,
WIGO (what is going on), 29
118
Wolpe, Joseph, 46, 109
Freudian, 110
Workahop in Problema of
intellectual, 118
Daily
Rogerian, 110
Living, 121
Twain, Mark, 141
tyranny of shoulds,
y
59
Young, Howard (A Rational Coun
1J
seling Primer), 145
Your Erroneous Zones (Dyer), 9
understanding early life, in RET,
71·72 w
z
"warm"
Zajone, Robert, 131
thoughts, 55
About the Author
Albert Ellis, hom in Pittsburgh and raised in New York City, holds a bachelor's degree from the City College of New York, and M.A. and PhD. degrees in clinical psychology from Columbia University. He has been Adjunct Professor of Psychology at Rutgers University, at United States International University, and at Pittsburgh State College and has been Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the Professional School of Psychological Studies. He served as Chief Psychologist of the New Jersey State Diagnostic Center and Chief Psychologist of the New Jersey Department of Institutions and Agencies. He has been a Consultant in Clinical Psychology to the New York City Board of Education and to the Veterans
Administration. He currently holds the position of Executive Director of the Institute for Rational-Emotive Therapy. He has practiced psychotherapy, marriage and family coun- seling, as well as sex therapy for over forty years, and continues this practice at the Psychological Clinic of the Institute in New York City. A Fellow of the American Psychological Association, Dr. Ellis has served as President of its Division of Consulting Psychology and as a member of its Council of Representatives. He is a Fellow (and past President) of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex, as well as a Fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Thera- pists, the American Orthopsychiatric Association, the American Socio- logical Association, the American Association for Applied Anthropology, and the American Association for the Advancement of Science. The American Association of Sex
Educators, Counselors, and Therapists
has qualified him as a Certified Sex Educator and a Certified Sex Therapist. The American Association of Marriage and Family has appointed him an Approved Supervisor. He is a Diplomate in Clinical Psychology of the American Board of Professional Psychology, a Diplo- mate in Clinical Hypnosis of the American Board of Psychological Hypnosis, and a Diplomate of the American Board of Psychotherapy.
Dr. Ellis has also served as Vice-President of the American Academy of Psychotherapists, as Chairman of the Marriage Counseling Section of the National Council of Family Relations, and as an Executive Com- mittee Member of the Divisions of Psychotherapy and of Humanistic
Psychology of the American Psychological Association, and of the New York Society of Clinical Psychologists. Several professional societies have honored him: He holds the Humanist of the Year Award of the American Humanist Association, the Distinguished Practitioner Award of the Academy of Psychologists in Marital and Family Therapy, and the Distinguished Psychologist Award of the.Division of Psychotherapy of the American Psychological Association. He is a Member of the National Academy of Practice in Psychology.
Dr. Ellis has served as Consulting or Associate Editor of the Journal
of Marriage and the Famay, the International Journal of Sexology,
Existential Psychiatry, the Journal of Marriage and Famay Counseling
the Journal of Contemporary Ps1jchoth61'apy, the Journal of
of
Individual Psychology, the Journal
Sex Research, Vokes:
The Art and Science of Psychothet'apy, Cognitive Thet'apy and
Research, and The Psycho thet'apy Patient. He has published over five hundred papers in psy- chological, psychiatric, and sociological journals and anthologies. He has authored or edited forty-nine books and monographs, including Sex Without Guilt, How to Live with a
.Neurotic," The Art and Science of Love, Reason and Emotion in
Psychothet'apy, ExecutWe Leadership: A Rational Approach.
Humanistic Psychothet'apy: The RationalEmotive Approach, A New
Guide to Rational Living. Ot1er caming Procrastination, A Handbook
of RationalEmotive Thet'apy, Brief Psychothet'apy in Medical and
Health Practice, A Guide to Per Ianal Happiness, and Rational
Emotive Approaches to the Problem. of Chadhood.
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HOW TO STUBBORNLY REFUSE TO
MAKE YOURSELF MISERABLE
ABOUT ANYTHING- YES, ANYTHING!
by Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
Most emotional
misery and
psychological
disturbances
are u
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depr ty
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unth
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al ow
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br i m el
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and unjust-to yourself
Dr. Albert El is,
th
R e
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we
for hsios
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oursel
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p ti is
leosn
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RETe.
Given the stress
and strain of
modern day-to-
day living, the last
a th
c rriep ing
th s
plien iwe
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pr b
o iti
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g,
em s
we b
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Dr. Albert El is is
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R h e
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U
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ote
He u d
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Sex Without GuiP t
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Sex , p
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Guide cl
to Rat u
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Livin i k
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d the Liberated Man.
A LYLE STUART BOOK
Carol Publishing Group
design by Mike
Stromberg
Document Outline
II
3. uthor of A NEW GUIDE TO RATIONAL LIVING
t
Index